You Don't See Me
You know, I thought I was okay. I really thought I was getting better and that things were starting to smooth out. But I'm not and things aren't. Everything is still falling apart around me and I don't know how to pick it all back up again.
I'm still taking the xanax, but it really doesn't seem to be helping. I'm pretty sure I had a complete nervous breakdown today. I'm still so hurt and so angry, I just feel so raw.
I try to get through the days for Shane. He needs me right now and he's having enough problems without his mom cracking up. I've tried to talk to people about this shit, but no one's listening, and I only end up screaming. I know, I sound like the proverbial teenager screaming about how no one understands. I can't really talk to my parents; they're having enough problems of their own without mine added to the mix. I sort of talk to Josh and Katie, but I'm just not as comfortable with them as I used to be, so they don't get the whole story, either. And, really, those are the only people in my life right now, so I'm a little stuck.
I don't even know what to say or do anymore. All I seem to do is sit here and cry. I don't think I've cried this much since I was really little. I feel like a complete jackass, but I can't seem to make it stop. I still can't sleep at night. I'm still having nightmares. I'm still having panic attacks. I've started chain smoking. I seem to be drinking a lot too, but I don't know if that's just because it seems like it to me, or if I actually am drinking a lot.
I hate it here. I feel so trapped. Sometimes, I just start shaking and then I start crying for no reason. I don't know what's happening to me. I feel like crap most of the time. My stomach is always upset, I always have a headache, and my whole body hurts a majority of the time. I barely feel like getting out of bed in the morning. I thought I had the flu for a while, but I've felt this way for two months. I'm popping Aleve and Advil like candy.
I just... I don't know anymore.
I'm still taking the xanax, but it really doesn't seem to be helping. I'm pretty sure I had a complete nervous breakdown today. I'm still so hurt and so angry, I just feel so raw.
I try to get through the days for Shane. He needs me right now and he's having enough problems without his mom cracking up. I've tried to talk to people about this shit, but no one's listening, and I only end up screaming. I know, I sound like the proverbial teenager screaming about how no one understands. I can't really talk to my parents; they're having enough problems of their own without mine added to the mix. I sort of talk to Josh and Katie, but I'm just not as comfortable with them as I used to be, so they don't get the whole story, either. And, really, those are the only people in my life right now, so I'm a little stuck.
I don't even know what to say or do anymore. All I seem to do is sit here and cry. I don't think I've cried this much since I was really little. I feel like a complete jackass, but I can't seem to make it stop. I still can't sleep at night. I'm still having nightmares. I'm still having panic attacks. I've started chain smoking. I seem to be drinking a lot too, but I don't know if that's just because it seems like it to me, or if I actually am drinking a lot.
I hate it here. I feel so trapped. Sometimes, I just start shaking and then I start crying for no reason. I don't know what's happening to me. I feel like crap most of the time. My stomach is always upset, I always have a headache, and my whole body hurts a majority of the time. I barely feel like getting out of bed in the morning. I thought I had the flu for a while, but I've felt this way for two months. I'm popping Aleve and Advil like candy.
I just... I don't know anymore.