an overwhelming explosion of self worth
It's strange, the human condition, same as the human heart. Large enigma's that our curious eye can never seem to stop looking at, rather than looking at the larger picture.
It is with that thought in mind that I type this blog.
In recent times I have looked as humanity as a problem, nearly broken and rotting at the core, waiting for someone or something ( like the coming apocalypse as it seems with all these recent earthquakes) that needed to be fixed, and like anything with a rotting body, you save what you can, keep the head intact and let the brain savor it's last thoughts before it slips into a never ending slumber.
That is to say that I thought humanity can't be cured, and the majority of us were gathering at the steeple and begging for the end, myself included. Waiting, as the unwashed and uneducated masses flooded the gene pool with depravity, disease, and destruction.
However this seems to not be the case, while earlier I found myself questioning my faith in humanity, a familiar voice (or as the case may be text) brought me back to reality. The reality being that humanity is insatiable and tenacious, much like myself I suppose, for the first time in a long time, I felt truly and metaphorically "Human" again.
This is not to say I am ready to accept the world with open and loving arms, I have been riddled with trust issues since I was a youngster. Although that depends on your definition of trust issues, I simply trust everyone in a sense, but I suppose I lack a sense of trust in myself, only allowing myself to open up to some and leave other, for whatever the case maybe a drift in a sea of lies and truths of little importance to anyone.
This is to say humanity is fickle, wanting something one minute, and the other wanting or needing something completley different.
I too am fickle.
But it is because I am fickle, that I find myself remembering the better days of my youth, and realizing that they are far from over. I suppose its the tenacious curiosity about life and where it will lead me or those around me that keeps me grounded and human.
While I type this I realize that the rest of this blog will seem less...how should I say it...Philosophical?
This is because I've decided to type the thinks I have realized recently, in an efforts to explain my current mind set.
I have realized that I am very dependent on other people, not for material goods per say, but for attention, I love being around people, I almost even love drama (occasionally fueling the fire myself).
It is in that realization that I came to a conclusion, I am far to emotionally dependent on others, I've said it before, I need to make myself happy before I can make others happy.
I also realized, I have been damn near questing for a girlfriend. I can list reasons why, they are simple I suppose.
I miss kissing, to this day I think a kiss between lovers or people in love is the simplest but sweetest expression of affection that one can or will find on this earth, the close face, the smiles afterward.
I miss the romantics, back in the day I would do silly things like take a girl under the stars and hold her close, tell her some sorts of cheesy line like "let me take you there one day, we can live among the stars, and shine as bright, so that one day people can look up at us and wish the same thing"
I miss cuddling, it's simple cuddling with friends is okay here and there, but most of my friends these days are dudes (not into that), It's nice to hold and be held by someone
I miss waking up and having someone I care about be the first things my eyes see.
It's these things that made me realize, I've been going about dating all wrong since Ebie and I broke up. I've been going from girl to girl hoping to find something just as good or better, when really each girl I have dated was pretty much the first girl that said yes. Each time this happened the relationship, did not and could not last long because the love which used to fuel me, realistically wasn't there.
It's that that made me decide I'm effectively swearing off dating, at least in the steady sense, I'm going to casually date, and have fun. So for me too consider someone girlfriend material, I'll have to really like her and think it's going somewhere. Right now that's a short list of 4 people, considering I'm usually talking to some sorts of plethora of girls and trying to get one of them to be mine this is different
Each girl has some sort of story, I won't name them cause I suppose it's my business but to put it simply
Girl 1: Isn't dating, probably only mildly interested in me, I'm fine with just being friends, but I do really like her
Girl 2: Is an old friend, I've liked her pretty much from the day we met till now to varying degrees, I was just to dense to take my chance when I had it, that's a regret but I'll live with it. She is kind of in the same position as I am right now, sticking away from committed dating, and I'm more than okay with that, that's what we both need right now. However I am persistent and tenacious, I'll go on dates with her if she likes, and I'll show her the romantic things I never got to back in the day. Either way now that she is back in my life, she is here to stay whether she likes it or not.
Girl 3: Is rather unavailable, at times I truly think I love her, and others I think I'm damned crazy and a fool, to me it seems like she and I grow further apart each day and her interest is waning (as well as her apparent love) but somehow, she always takes me back to feeling giddy and stupid the second I hear from her. Oh yeah, long distance....trying to avoid that.
Girl 4: She's a friend as well, I need to stop being so attracted to those, were very similar on an emotional and intellectual level, she is a wonderful and beautiful person, but she doesn't date really and lives in ohio. She is interesting, I'm not in love with her, but I feel her and I could move in together, Marry (even with out love), and be perfectly happy for along time.
So out of 4 only 2 are really a minute possibility in reality, but I don't feel the need to push, I've been really trying to roll with the punches and live, Love isn't something that can be found I suppose it just happens.
That's really what life has been showing me lately, that while we make our own path, life just happens and you can't stop it.
I recently reconnected with an old friend, her and I go way back. She is a sweet, talented, and beautiful. Plus, she gets me, I don't think a lot of people can really have that said about them these days. I've known her for six years now, she was my first really good friend in high school.
Her and I have been through a lot, and we have both said and done some stupid things in the past in regards to the other.
But in one night it was like, we were back in theater class laughing and having a good time, talking about silly things and such.
It was nice, really nice, to catch up with her.
I do worry she will take the wrong message from how much attention I am paying to her, she is one of the girl mentioned above, I'll admit. I like her, I always have, but I'm not paying all this attention to her because I like her romantically, its because she's my friend and I can't even count the times I was upset and wished she had still been around to cheer me up, she did it with out even knowing the other night.
Some of you may know I had a falling out with a "Friend" of mine, on april first. I was still rather brooding and upset, some of the lewder things he said about me had me really questioning if I was this good person I make myself out to be, or if I was some mooching asshole who doesn't deserve the attention he gets.
but she brought me back to where I had been before that, relighting the fire in my heart. I know I'm a good person, I just needed the right people to help remind me, who I am.
Who am I? I'm loud, I'm proud, I'm a dreamer, my name is David Edward Arnow, I like anime, I listen to my music loud and sing along no matter where I am, I cosplay, I draw (and I'm not the best but I am damned good), I love to cook, if it wasn't apparent I love to write, I'm extroverted, I'm friendly, I'm a good person with good attentions, I love to talk, but I love to listen as well, I'll be there for you if you need me but I can be pretty dense so you might have to let me know, I'm a slob and I don't mind it so much, I may not be hot but I am attractive in my own way, I love dressing nice, I think a full suit is terribly comfortable and makes anyone look better, I'm a Pirate, I'm a prince, I'm a gentlemen and chivalry isn't dead (I'm taking it back one open door at a time), I love my family blood and not, and for the first time in two years I can say I am confident, I am alive, and I am me.
I want to say thanks to Girl 2 for being the one that really made that all sink in, she is and will always be one of my best and closest friends regardless of if we date (and stay together or break up) or if she finds someone who is better and we just stay friends, she is staying in my life this time, like it or not. She is one of the humans that remind me humanity can surprise you, and that there is good left in the world.
I want to thank Ami, she is my cousin and will always be my closest friend and confidant. She is always there when times are tough to cheer me up, even if it's just with a silly drawing
I want to thank Mike, This kid is the closest thing I have had to a little brother my entire life, I care about this kid just about as Ami and she is my blood relative. I would do anything to protect him and I respect him greatly, he has it rough but I'm sure one day soon things will turn, karma has a lot in store for him and it's nothing but good, hang in there kid, I'll always be by your side to help you up when you have fallen down.
I want to thank Richie, he puts up with my stupid emotional shit more than he should sometimes, he is one of the truest people I have ever known. I admire and respect him incredibly, it's safe to say that I find him to be an inspiration, he like me is a romantic and a dreamer, and he is being very successful in achieving his dreams, I see nothing but possibilities for him in the future, and it makes me happy to say I will always be at his side, nakama have to stick together and he is a true bro.
I want to thank Adam, although I may constantly question his intelligence and his intentions, he has proved to me over and over again that he is a friend and a brother in the truest of forms. He and I have been through the stupidest and greatest of things and we will always be the best of friends, it's a title he has more than earned in my eyes. My back may be broken but he is always there to lend a hand and help me up, he has a lot of growing to do, and I'll be right there with him growing upward and reaching to the sky.
I want to thank Kalex (Kale and Alex) they can both be incredibly stupid and dense, but I love them. They really have the best of intentions and genuinely care for the people they call family. I'm proud and happy to be apart of that ever growing mess of a family. Despite the drama that arises between the three of us and other, I have every intention of sticking with these to chowder heads. Follow your dreams boys, and I'll follow mine, we can take on this world together.
To some this may seem odd, but I want to thank Lexi, he and I have our history, as mirky and odd as it might be now, I think she helped shape me in a lot of ways, I can't thank her enough for being there when she has, and being there now. She is the most eccentric person I know and I'm glad to be on good and friendly terms with her, if we weren't I'd genuinely be sad, she's a good balance to any equation, she's one of those people that I'm stuck with like it or not, good thing I like it.
I'd like to thank Ebie, god I kinda can't believe I am. In so many ways you broke me into pieces, but its because of you that I realized a lot of truths about myself, and the time we had together I truly treasure, I wish you and I were still in greater contact, but I understand we lead separate lives these days and they a different, I'd like to take the time to catch up, and here about the adventures of one of the most passionate people I ever had the fortune of falling in love with. I hope your doing well procer.
I'd like to thank Sam, your new in my life, but you are one of the sweetest girls I have ever met, and Adam is a damned lucky kid, I hope you know that no matter what happens between you and Adam you will always be my friend, in fact you'll always have a place here as it turns out, my mom said if things ever came down to it and you and Adam split, you could live here, she loves you Sam-a-lam. Don't ever change hun, your perfect the way you are, and one day I'm going to shower you in gifts as revenge for everything you have given me, I love you hun.
I'd also like to thank one last specific person, her name is Stevie. She may be one of the more confusing girls I know, but she genuinely cares about me, and that's a rare find I think, I wish I could apologize to her sometimes for some of the BS I put her through, but she is a good good person, I'd like to keep her by my side in whatever way possible, She may be a little bit to busy for me sometimes, and she may be the queen of mixed intentions and signals, but she is great at making me smile. I'd like to see our friendship be a lasting one, I respect her and her convictions, she is good people.
I suppose the list is longer, there are people I would like to thank, but in comparison to the list above they are unimportant or can go unnoticed in this blog perfectly fine, and if anyone of them read that list above and feels left out, feel free to contact me and I will tell you every damn reason I love you.
So I suppose the point of this all was relatively simple, I'm back, and it feels good.
So thanks to all of you friends, who I care for and love, stay by side, and I'll stay by yours. Together we are unstoppable even the end of days couldn't end us!
I'm ready, I'm going to dream, I'm going to live, and I'm going to carve my own path, let me take you with me, and we can change the world.
It is with that thought in mind that I type this blog.
In recent times I have looked as humanity as a problem, nearly broken and rotting at the core, waiting for someone or something ( like the coming apocalypse as it seems with all these recent earthquakes) that needed to be fixed, and like anything with a rotting body, you save what you can, keep the head intact and let the brain savor it's last thoughts before it slips into a never ending slumber.
That is to say that I thought humanity can't be cured, and the majority of us were gathering at the steeple and begging for the end, myself included. Waiting, as the unwashed and uneducated masses flooded the gene pool with depravity, disease, and destruction.
However this seems to not be the case, while earlier I found myself questioning my faith in humanity, a familiar voice (or as the case may be text) brought me back to reality. The reality being that humanity is insatiable and tenacious, much like myself I suppose, for the first time in a long time, I felt truly and metaphorically "Human" again.
This is not to say I am ready to accept the world with open and loving arms, I have been riddled with trust issues since I was a youngster. Although that depends on your definition of trust issues, I simply trust everyone in a sense, but I suppose I lack a sense of trust in myself, only allowing myself to open up to some and leave other, for whatever the case maybe a drift in a sea of lies and truths of little importance to anyone.
This is to say humanity is fickle, wanting something one minute, and the other wanting or needing something completley different.
I too am fickle.
But it is because I am fickle, that I find myself remembering the better days of my youth, and realizing that they are far from over. I suppose its the tenacious curiosity about life and where it will lead me or those around me that keeps me grounded and human.
While I type this I realize that the rest of this blog will seem less...how should I say it...Philosophical?
This is because I've decided to type the thinks I have realized recently, in an efforts to explain my current mind set.
I have realized that I am very dependent on other people, not for material goods per say, but for attention, I love being around people, I almost even love drama (occasionally fueling the fire myself).
It is in that realization that I came to a conclusion, I am far to emotionally dependent on others, I've said it before, I need to make myself happy before I can make others happy.
I also realized, I have been damn near questing for a girlfriend. I can list reasons why, they are simple I suppose.
I miss kissing, to this day I think a kiss between lovers or people in love is the simplest but sweetest expression of affection that one can or will find on this earth, the close face, the smiles afterward.
I miss the romantics, back in the day I would do silly things like take a girl under the stars and hold her close, tell her some sorts of cheesy line like "let me take you there one day, we can live among the stars, and shine as bright, so that one day people can look up at us and wish the same thing"
I miss cuddling, it's simple cuddling with friends is okay here and there, but most of my friends these days are dudes (not into that), It's nice to hold and be held by someone
I miss waking up and having someone I care about be the first things my eyes see.
It's these things that made me realize, I've been going about dating all wrong since Ebie and I broke up. I've been going from girl to girl hoping to find something just as good or better, when really each girl I have dated was pretty much the first girl that said yes. Each time this happened the relationship, did not and could not last long because the love which used to fuel me, realistically wasn't there.
It's that that made me decide I'm effectively swearing off dating, at least in the steady sense, I'm going to casually date, and have fun. So for me too consider someone girlfriend material, I'll have to really like her and think it's going somewhere. Right now that's a short list of 4 people, considering I'm usually talking to some sorts of plethora of girls and trying to get one of them to be mine this is different
Each girl has some sort of story, I won't name them cause I suppose it's my business but to put it simply
Girl 1: Isn't dating, probably only mildly interested in me, I'm fine with just being friends, but I do really like her
Girl 2: Is an old friend, I've liked her pretty much from the day we met till now to varying degrees, I was just to dense to take my chance when I had it, that's a regret but I'll live with it. She is kind of in the same position as I am right now, sticking away from committed dating, and I'm more than okay with that, that's what we both need right now. However I am persistent and tenacious, I'll go on dates with her if she likes, and I'll show her the romantic things I never got to back in the day. Either way now that she is back in my life, she is here to stay whether she likes it or not.
Girl 3: Is rather unavailable, at times I truly think I love her, and others I think I'm damned crazy and a fool, to me it seems like she and I grow further apart each day and her interest is waning (as well as her apparent love) but somehow, she always takes me back to feeling giddy and stupid the second I hear from her. Oh yeah, long distance....trying to avoid that.
Girl 4: She's a friend as well, I need to stop being so attracted to those, were very similar on an emotional and intellectual level, she is a wonderful and beautiful person, but she doesn't date really and lives in ohio. She is interesting, I'm not in love with her, but I feel her and I could move in together, Marry (even with out love), and be perfectly happy for along time.
So out of 4 only 2 are really a minute possibility in reality, but I don't feel the need to push, I've been really trying to roll with the punches and live, Love isn't something that can be found I suppose it just happens.
That's really what life has been showing me lately, that while we make our own path, life just happens and you can't stop it.
I recently reconnected with an old friend, her and I go way back. She is a sweet, talented, and beautiful. Plus, she gets me, I don't think a lot of people can really have that said about them these days. I've known her for six years now, she was my first really good friend in high school.
Her and I have been through a lot, and we have both said and done some stupid things in the past in regards to the other.
But in one night it was like, we were back in theater class laughing and having a good time, talking about silly things and such.
It was nice, really nice, to catch up with her.
I do worry she will take the wrong message from how much attention I am paying to her, she is one of the girl mentioned above, I'll admit. I like her, I always have, but I'm not paying all this attention to her because I like her romantically, its because she's my friend and I can't even count the times I was upset and wished she had still been around to cheer me up, she did it with out even knowing the other night.
Some of you may know I had a falling out with a "Friend" of mine, on april first. I was still rather brooding and upset, some of the lewder things he said about me had me really questioning if I was this good person I make myself out to be, or if I was some mooching asshole who doesn't deserve the attention he gets.
but she brought me back to where I had been before that, relighting the fire in my heart. I know I'm a good person, I just needed the right people to help remind me, who I am.
Who am I? I'm loud, I'm proud, I'm a dreamer, my name is David Edward Arnow, I like anime, I listen to my music loud and sing along no matter where I am, I cosplay, I draw (and I'm not the best but I am damned good), I love to cook, if it wasn't apparent I love to write, I'm extroverted, I'm friendly, I'm a good person with good attentions, I love to talk, but I love to listen as well, I'll be there for you if you need me but I can be pretty dense so you might have to let me know, I'm a slob and I don't mind it so much, I may not be hot but I am attractive in my own way, I love dressing nice, I think a full suit is terribly comfortable and makes anyone look better, I'm a Pirate, I'm a prince, I'm a gentlemen and chivalry isn't dead (I'm taking it back one open door at a time), I love my family blood and not, and for the first time in two years I can say I am confident, I am alive, and I am me.
I want to say thanks to Girl 2 for being the one that really made that all sink in, she is and will always be one of my best and closest friends regardless of if we date (and stay together or break up) or if she finds someone who is better and we just stay friends, she is staying in my life this time, like it or not. She is one of the humans that remind me humanity can surprise you, and that there is good left in the world.
I want to thank Ami, she is my cousin and will always be my closest friend and confidant. She is always there when times are tough to cheer me up, even if it's just with a silly drawing
I want to thank Mike, This kid is the closest thing I have had to a little brother my entire life, I care about this kid just about as Ami and she is my blood relative. I would do anything to protect him and I respect him greatly, he has it rough but I'm sure one day soon things will turn, karma has a lot in store for him and it's nothing but good, hang in there kid, I'll always be by your side to help you up when you have fallen down.
I want to thank Richie, he puts up with my stupid emotional shit more than he should sometimes, he is one of the truest people I have ever known. I admire and respect him incredibly, it's safe to say that I find him to be an inspiration, he like me is a romantic and a dreamer, and he is being very successful in achieving his dreams, I see nothing but possibilities for him in the future, and it makes me happy to say I will always be at his side, nakama have to stick together and he is a true bro.
I want to thank Adam, although I may constantly question his intelligence and his intentions, he has proved to me over and over again that he is a friend and a brother in the truest of forms. He and I have been through the stupidest and greatest of things and we will always be the best of friends, it's a title he has more than earned in my eyes. My back may be broken but he is always there to lend a hand and help me up, he has a lot of growing to do, and I'll be right there with him growing upward and reaching to the sky.
I want to thank Kalex (Kale and Alex) they can both be incredibly stupid and dense, but I love them. They really have the best of intentions and genuinely care for the people they call family. I'm proud and happy to be apart of that ever growing mess of a family. Despite the drama that arises between the three of us and other, I have every intention of sticking with these to chowder heads. Follow your dreams boys, and I'll follow mine, we can take on this world together.
To some this may seem odd, but I want to thank Lexi, he and I have our history, as mirky and odd as it might be now, I think she helped shape me in a lot of ways, I can't thank her enough for being there when she has, and being there now. She is the most eccentric person I know and I'm glad to be on good and friendly terms with her, if we weren't I'd genuinely be sad, she's a good balance to any equation, she's one of those people that I'm stuck with like it or not, good thing I like it.
I'd like to thank Ebie, god I kinda can't believe I am. In so many ways you broke me into pieces, but its because of you that I realized a lot of truths about myself, and the time we had together I truly treasure, I wish you and I were still in greater contact, but I understand we lead separate lives these days and they a different, I'd like to take the time to catch up, and here about the adventures of one of the most passionate people I ever had the fortune of falling in love with. I hope your doing well procer.
I'd like to thank Sam, your new in my life, but you are one of the sweetest girls I have ever met, and Adam is a damned lucky kid, I hope you know that no matter what happens between you and Adam you will always be my friend, in fact you'll always have a place here as it turns out, my mom said if things ever came down to it and you and Adam split, you could live here, she loves you Sam-a-lam. Don't ever change hun, your perfect the way you are, and one day I'm going to shower you in gifts as revenge for everything you have given me, I love you hun.
I'd also like to thank one last specific person, her name is Stevie. She may be one of the more confusing girls I know, but she genuinely cares about me, and that's a rare find I think, I wish I could apologize to her sometimes for some of the BS I put her through, but she is a good good person, I'd like to keep her by my side in whatever way possible, She may be a little bit to busy for me sometimes, and she may be the queen of mixed intentions and signals, but she is great at making me smile. I'd like to see our friendship be a lasting one, I respect her and her convictions, she is good people.
I suppose the list is longer, there are people I would like to thank, but in comparison to the list above they are unimportant or can go unnoticed in this blog perfectly fine, and if anyone of them read that list above and feels left out, feel free to contact me and I will tell you every damn reason I love you.
So I suppose the point of this all was relatively simple, I'm back, and it feels good.
So thanks to all of you friends, who I care for and love, stay by side, and I'll stay by yours. Together we are unstoppable even the end of days couldn't end us!
I'm ready, I'm going to dream, I'm going to live, and I'm going to carve my own path, let me take you with me, and we can change the world.