Making up for lost time...
Wow, I really need to make up for lost time.
Nick and I broke up.
It would be 22 days till our one year :-(
Here's everything...
Well, I had my major break down within the last two days. I wrote to Nick, telling him why I was so crushed. I felt a little better. Plus the fact that my little April bitched at me through my myspace making me realize I just can't give up! I'll admit, this is really hard on me and the fact that I'm not as strong as everyone thinks I am. But hey, I'm trying. That's the best I can do.
Yesterday, I stayed in my room the majority of the day. I just was thinking mostly. Not sleeping like everyone thought. I guess I pretend that I'm sleeping so it doesn't seem like I'm blowing everyone off. I just wanted to be alone. That's all I asked. Was for sometime for me to think. I really needed that. No, I didn't go psychopathic on myself or anything. Dispite previous actions/beliefs. I was just thinking. That's all, plain and simple.
My mother thought I was dead. Lol, cause I didn't come down stairs at all. She came up stairs as I was going towards the bathroom. Mind you, it was around sixish and that was the first time that I walked out of my room. I was awake since two. My mother just looked at me and gave me the "OMFG you're still alive" look. I thought it was rather funny ^_^
I talked to someone yesterday that reminds me of Nick. He told me that I should never be willing to change myself just to make someone else happy, and that there are people who like me for me. If I want someone who doesn't like one little thing about me, then fuck them. Which, I agree. I know a lot of people of told me that in the past. But, it was an inspiration to hear more than a few of my close friends say it.
I'm actually happy being single. Cause it give me time to figure out what I truly want. I honestly don't want another boyfriend for a while unless it's you know you. *Hears bitching from some of my friends and most of my family.* But, you cannot control how you feel about someone. No matter how hard you try. "If you try to hate someone, you end up loving them more." That's what my father said to me today. He's right too. For once.
Everyone knows my father as the "Randomly falls asleep in the middle of the door way, or dinning room" guy. But, my father and I are alike in so many ways. Just like my mother and I. We both are scary when pissed off. Lol!! Everyone knows my mom's famous..."Shut the FUCK up." Haha but hardly anyone is afraid of my mother anymore. Cause they passed through me all the time Haha!!
Ohh shizer. I've also realized, that the ignorance of people make me stronger. Aka, Mark. He has to be the most ignorant and arrogant son of a bitch I know. But he, has actually made me stronger. He brought up that I wine over Nick all the time. Which, I know I do. People get sick of it. I do too. So, I'll keep my emotions to myself and let them out in a creative sort of way. Writing, singing, oh hell just being really dumb. Lol, the April and Justine kind of way. Hahaha
As for me quiting smoking, I've prooved to myself that I can go a day without one. When I'm in a really good mood that is. But if I decided to quit smoking the same day I'd been hurt. HA! Not gonna happen. I'll quit sooner than anyone thinks. I just need some "Justine" time again.
I've tried not to talk to Nick. But that just makes me worse. You never know what could happen to him. Just like when he almost sliced off his damn hand in the tractor. Ugh, that was pretty bad. I always have to be social with him. Even if I ever disliked him. Cause I still care...
In the past two days I've reminded me of my "8th grade self". My lower self. It's not a pretty side of me and I hope never to reach that point again. I'm happy for Nick and his new girl Tiea, I have nothing against her at all. She's a good girl. She won't fuck Nick over. But, I'd rather her be with someone else, Not Nick. Selfish as that may seem, that's how I feel. I can't stop it! No matter how hard I try to forget about Nick and all.
As I continue to ramble on about my life...Lol. Better to write then sit there with drool falling out of my mouth. Who knows how much I'll write, or when I'll stop. Lol. Nooobody knowsss. Hahahaa ohh man. I think that's a sign that I, need a life. Hahahahaha!!! I think I'm done.
Laters
Nick and I broke up.
It would be 22 days till our one year :-(
Here's everything...
Well, I had my major break down within the last two days. I wrote to Nick, telling him why I was so crushed. I felt a little better. Plus the fact that my little April bitched at me through my myspace making me realize I just can't give up! I'll admit, this is really hard on me and the fact that I'm not as strong as everyone thinks I am. But hey, I'm trying. That's the best I can do.
Yesterday, I stayed in my room the majority of the day. I just was thinking mostly. Not sleeping like everyone thought. I guess I pretend that I'm sleeping so it doesn't seem like I'm blowing everyone off. I just wanted to be alone. That's all I asked. Was for sometime for me to think. I really needed that. No, I didn't go psychopathic on myself or anything. Dispite previous actions/beliefs. I was just thinking. That's all, plain and simple.
My mother thought I was dead. Lol, cause I didn't come down stairs at all. She came up stairs as I was going towards the bathroom. Mind you, it was around sixish and that was the first time that I walked out of my room. I was awake since two. My mother just looked at me and gave me the "OMFG you're still alive" look. I thought it was rather funny ^_^
I talked to someone yesterday that reminds me of Nick. He told me that I should never be willing to change myself just to make someone else happy, and that there are people who like me for me. If I want someone who doesn't like one little thing about me, then fuck them. Which, I agree. I know a lot of people of told me that in the past. But, it was an inspiration to hear more than a few of my close friends say it.
I'm actually happy being single. Cause it give me time to figure out what I truly want. I honestly don't want another boyfriend for a while unless it's you know you. *Hears bitching from some of my friends and most of my family.* But, you cannot control how you feel about someone. No matter how hard you try. "If you try to hate someone, you end up loving them more." That's what my father said to me today. He's right too. For once.
Everyone knows my father as the "Randomly falls asleep in the middle of the door way, or dinning room" guy. But, my father and I are alike in so many ways. Just like my mother and I. We both are scary when pissed off. Lol!! Everyone knows my mom's famous..."Shut the FUCK up." Haha but hardly anyone is afraid of my mother anymore. Cause they passed through me all the time Haha!!
Ohh shizer. I've also realized, that the ignorance of people make me stronger. Aka, Mark. He has to be the most ignorant and arrogant son of a bitch I know. But he, has actually made me stronger. He brought up that I wine over Nick all the time. Which, I know I do. People get sick of it. I do too. So, I'll keep my emotions to myself and let them out in a creative sort of way. Writing, singing, oh hell just being really dumb. Lol, the April and Justine kind of way. Hahaha
As for me quiting smoking, I've prooved to myself that I can go a day without one. When I'm in a really good mood that is. But if I decided to quit smoking the same day I'd been hurt. HA! Not gonna happen. I'll quit sooner than anyone thinks. I just need some "Justine" time again.
I've tried not to talk to Nick. But that just makes me worse. You never know what could happen to him. Just like when he almost sliced off his damn hand in the tractor. Ugh, that was pretty bad. I always have to be social with him. Even if I ever disliked him. Cause I still care...
In the past two days I've reminded me of my "8th grade self". My lower self. It's not a pretty side of me and I hope never to reach that point again. I'm happy for Nick and his new girl Tiea, I have nothing against her at all. She's a good girl. She won't fuck Nick over. But, I'd rather her be with someone else, Not Nick. Selfish as that may seem, that's how I feel. I can't stop it! No matter how hard I try to forget about Nick and all.
As I continue to ramble on about my life...Lol. Better to write then sit there with drool falling out of my mouth. Who knows how much I'll write, or when I'll stop. Lol. Nooobody knowsss. Hahahaa ohh man. I think that's a sign that I, need a life. Hahahahaha!!! I think I'm done.
Laters