a question of trust

Jul 15, 2007 17:40

My horoscope on Facebook today reads...

Capricorn: Someone you used to be able to trust has changed quite a lot lately. Have a heart-to-heart and find out if they deserve to earn your trust back.

sadly i know who it is talking about, and i think i know the answer... The person i thought i loved without end, the person i believed in the most.. is not who i thought he was, and lately it has been so WRONG on so many levels that i wonder if he ever was....

i think he was pretending to me, and to himself that he could be what he was projecting, but he was unable to sustain it for any length of time. I am not surprised because this has been going on for YEARS and YEARS, and i always am free with the do-overs... Simply because I WANT TO BELIEVE.

But i do not think i can anymore so that is it... that door is closed to me, i had been avoiding the whole thing, not wanting to talk about it, not wanting to deal with it, just let it go on and on in this uncomfortable limbo state.

But i think the horoscope was a catalyst, i cannot ignore anymore, i just hope that the fates allow that our friendship can be salvaged... i do not know that we ever had a 'relationship' that was worth salvaging or sustaining, i thought there was, but maybe, i was the one sustaining it all along, and we were both living my dream.  I think this must be the true explaination, because it was like one day i woke up .. and the basis of our life together was gone, i looked around and realised how alone i was, and how alone i have been.  This is sad, and i am devestated because i stand to lose my closest friend... But the truth is i am glad i am awake, i miss the dream, but i know that the only dream that can truly make me happy is a dream where both dreamers are aware of the dream, and sustaining it together... i am tired of being the leader... Douglas Coupland wrote, in Life After God, that once people have been broken in certain ways they cannot be fixed-- i have been broken beyond mending by two men, both made me promises they could not keep... once shattered those promises, my heart and my hope, the other draining it away slowly after 15 years of friendship and sometimes love.

i would like to think that i will not be fooled again. i mourn the loss of love, but i promise this, i will not EVER surrender my HOPE... my friends, my loved ones, my children, the people i care about in this world, Dreamers like me, they need my hope and i must have it to give them, so that they are never alone...

love, hope, pain

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