Adulthood?
When I was little I always dreamed what it would be like growing up to be some kind of glamourous adult. When I was twelve, I would fantasize what high school was going to be like, knowing full well nothing was going to happen in the small town I was from but still holding onto a dream borne from movie scenes and magazine clippings. What would it be like to go to prom? Would I get a boyfriend? What would college parties be like? What was it going to be like living all on my own without anyone to tell me what to do? I wanted to move to the big city with a best friend like in a teen romance novel or a chick flick. Make my way in the big shiny city with the constant laughter and company of a girlfriend. We would go out on the weekends, go to clubs, bring home guys. It would be fun, glamourous, everything a little farming town was not. There would be bright lights and life everywhere. We would be lost in the vastness of it and never look back to our small town roots.
That about a decade ago. Times changed. I changed. I started living.
But when exactly did I start living? It wasn't where this journal started when I was full of fifteen year old angst or the scattered college excerpts. Life is one big adventure but it's only been recently that I've actually started to feel alive, like I was actually meant to be here and those dreams I had before are slowly making their way into reality. Don't get me wrong, my dreams have changed. Life never quite pans out like you would expect it to. I had a less conventional high school experience. Going to college was so career driver and with a stifling boyfriend and mouselike roommate, there was little opportunity to develop any form of social experience. I didn't really party. I smoked a lot at Sarah's house during my experimental phase without my boyfriend's knowledge. I was too scared to be me really. There was so much I didn't trust, was too afraid to try so I didn't. But life's too short to let every opportunity pass you by.
A year ago I was so excited about having my own place. I'd just moved to a tourist spot by lakeshore. I literally live right next to the dock. It's gorgeous. A year ago I was consumed by work at Sephora. That's all I did. Work and run home to call my absentee boyfriend/fiance. My entire world revolved around his schedule which was getting more and more difficult to accomedate. I was talking to him only a couple times a week and when we did talk we would just rent movies to watch together so there wasn't much conversation.
Here I am a year later. I start working at Sephora Bloor St. tomorrow. Bloor St. Downtown. The Fifth Ave of Toronto. I pay my own bills my mother can't access my stuff. I'm going to be moving to that big city of bright lights and nightlife soon with the guy I've been living with since Halloween. I'm an adult now. When did that happen? When did I become that girl I so desperately longed to be? We went to Woj's best friend Patrick's house for a BBQ last night. When did we become the grown ups having dinner parties? Or who just go driving around at night just because we can and the night air just feels good?
That about a decade ago. Times changed. I changed. I started living.
But when exactly did I start living? It wasn't where this journal started when I was full of fifteen year old angst or the scattered college excerpts. Life is one big adventure but it's only been recently that I've actually started to feel alive, like I was actually meant to be here and those dreams I had before are slowly making their way into reality. Don't get me wrong, my dreams have changed. Life never quite pans out like you would expect it to. I had a less conventional high school experience. Going to college was so career driver and with a stifling boyfriend and mouselike roommate, there was little opportunity to develop any form of social experience. I didn't really party. I smoked a lot at Sarah's house during my experimental phase without my boyfriend's knowledge. I was too scared to be me really. There was so much I didn't trust, was too afraid to try so I didn't. But life's too short to let every opportunity pass you by.
A year ago I was so excited about having my own place. I'd just moved to a tourist spot by lakeshore. I literally live right next to the dock. It's gorgeous. A year ago I was consumed by work at Sephora. That's all I did. Work and run home to call my absentee boyfriend/fiance. My entire world revolved around his schedule which was getting more and more difficult to accomedate. I was talking to him only a couple times a week and when we did talk we would just rent movies to watch together so there wasn't much conversation.
Here I am a year later. I start working at Sephora Bloor St. tomorrow. Bloor St. Downtown. The Fifth Ave of Toronto. I pay my own bills my mother can't access my stuff. I'm going to be moving to that big city of bright lights and nightlife soon with the guy I've been living with since Halloween. I'm an adult now. When did that happen? When did I become that girl I so desperately longed to be? We went to Woj's best friend Patrick's house for a BBQ last night. When did we become the grown ups having dinner parties? Or who just go driving around at night just because we can and the night air just feels good?