parting is such
I watch him walk away. And part of me wants him to stay, while the other wants him to stay away. So easy to get wrapped up and entangled. Easy to forget my tasks, to forget what it's like to be free. I don't want to have a weighed-down feeling when I'm with someone. I don't want to have the weight on my shoulders almost all the time. I want someone to enhance, embrace, encourage who I am. All of these things are obvious, everyone wants them. I guess I just need to voice it to voice it for myself. And sometimes, it's like everything will really work out. And other times, I know it's hopeless. The transition is so strange because it's not much of one. Just kind of flips from one to the other. So I figure I'm on my own quest to lose a guy. And when I miss him, I will learn to get used to it. There is no comfort with change. There's no change without discomfort. He is comfortable and comfort such as this is not so grand an idea. I'm learning that I cannot force things. Lessons I learn better from girls than boys, apparently.
Still, how much I loathe that feeling of lonliness. So what will I do about it? Hobbies, studying, hanging out with animals of all sorts. Nothing is impossible to get through. Even those damn experiences that everyone knows because while they're going through them they think they're going to do. Well, I do anyway. Not quite so dramatic in this reflection, but hard times and heartbroken times are never quite so sweet. But, the sweet is never as sweet without the bitter, yes? I think we all agree with Kahil (forgot spelling and pardon the misuse of good writing). Even the flakes agree on that one. (Damn flake). I keep thinking this period is over, and it's strange because each time I'm just as sure, and it's not callousing. I wish there were more for us. I wish that he were what I needed. And I wish that he did know me as much as I want him to and as he seems to think he does. He told me that we have power struggles, and that he thinks himself the submissive one, while I assume the dominant role. I cannot understand this for two reasons; 1. I have no idea where I stand, nor that it was possible I be there with him because I am on the inside, 2. because I'm his bitch. I've followed him, I still cannot write him off. We do what works with Chris's mood. Because none of us want to deal with the bad. I'm still around, as angry and hurt and bitter as I have become and lost and become again. There are no clean breaks. And I don't want to say hello, yet I'm not ready to say goodbye. So, I'll make him sick of me. Today was off to a good start, though I'm not even sure if I have the energy for this. You know what's funny? People, (if anyone) that does read this, will have difficulty for the lack of spacing. One huge block of text is really not inviting. So congradulations, you skimmer you. Moreso is in order if you actually read, oh, and by the way, you need to find better uses with your time ;)
Goodnight
Still, how much I loathe that feeling of lonliness. So what will I do about it? Hobbies, studying, hanging out with animals of all sorts. Nothing is impossible to get through. Even those damn experiences that everyone knows because while they're going through them they think they're going to do. Well, I do anyway. Not quite so dramatic in this reflection, but hard times and heartbroken times are never quite so sweet. But, the sweet is never as sweet without the bitter, yes? I think we all agree with Kahil (forgot spelling and pardon the misuse of good writing). Even the flakes agree on that one. (Damn flake). I keep thinking this period is over, and it's strange because each time I'm just as sure, and it's not callousing. I wish there were more for us. I wish that he were what I needed. And I wish that he did know me as much as I want him to and as he seems to think he does. He told me that we have power struggles, and that he thinks himself the submissive one, while I assume the dominant role. I cannot understand this for two reasons; 1. I have no idea where I stand, nor that it was possible I be there with him because I am on the inside, 2. because I'm his bitch. I've followed him, I still cannot write him off. We do what works with Chris's mood. Because none of us want to deal with the bad. I'm still around, as angry and hurt and bitter as I have become and lost and become again. There are no clean breaks. And I don't want to say hello, yet I'm not ready to say goodbye. So, I'll make him sick of me. Today was off to a good start, though I'm not even sure if I have the energy for this. You know what's funny? People, (if anyone) that does read this, will have difficulty for the lack of spacing. One huge block of text is really not inviting. So congradulations, you skimmer you. Moreso is in order if you actually read, oh, and by the way, you need to find better uses with your time ;)
Goodnight