the accident
well, it's been a month, and i think it's about time i wrote about the accident. it's been an event that has changed my life quite a bit. and for the better. there have been many questions i've had about the crash since it happened, and in order to understand it i've meditated on the matter quite a bit. the following is part of a dream i had one day.
Choice
the cab entered the intersection too soon, and my field of vision was filled with metallic light blue, headlights, and a toyota symbol pushing forward, inexorably, unceasingly. sound followed, a vaguely familiar one. it was the sound a soda can makes when you step on it, a sickening crunch of collapsing metal. from out of nowhere, a realisation: are cars nowadays this flimsy? i see a delicate pattern form on the window, like a spider on steroids making a web. it stays frozen for a few moments, and a shower of crystal was headed my way. i close my eyes, reflexively. this is it. then a light, then a darkness.
i open them again in this darkness, followed by light, followed by a vague sense of community. and then, like one of those graphic displays you'd see in a science fiction movie, there it was before me, the moment of the accident. then a tracery of lines, showing me everyone who would be affected by it; everyone who saw it, both drivers, the people in the other vehicle. then all around me and that moment, an endless mosaic of scenarios flashed by... one where the cab flips twice, falls onto another car, rolls off, only to get hit by another car... one, where i didn't wear my seat belt, and i flew through the front windshield. but i swore i bucked my seat belt.... each scenario examining the consequences of a little change in the many variables that made up that moment. i stood there, morbidly fascinated with some of the possibilities. then a voice broke my contemplation. a strangely familiar sounding voice.
"are you done?"
"what?"
"your thoughts and feelings have brought you to this moment, and it seems to me that you wanted a way out of your current situation. this is it."
i thought for a moment. captain picard? what the heck? then back to the issue at hand.
"but wait, this is an accident. why ask me this question?"
"you should know by now that there are no 'accidents'. i know for a fact that this is what you are feeling right now. you called for this, so, decide."
"decide what?"
"do you want to continue living your life?"
"of course i do."
"then why do you carry on as if you wanted to leave? to die."
"hey, wait a second... i'm not suicidal! and how can you possibly... this is an accident!"
"you're funny. and to think you consider yourself a fan of neale and the time i talked to him."
i stop. surprised. so i wasn't talking to myself. and yet i am. oh shit.
"ah, you're getting it."
"funny, i thought you'd sound more like..."
"james earl jones?"
laughter rings out in this conference room at the end of time, of comprehension, of well everything that is. whatever "is" maybe to you at the moment.
"so, are you going back 'down there'?"
"yes."
"are you sure?"
"yes."
"you know what to do now with your life?"
"not quite yet, but i know whatever i choose, i'll be back here. again. so i'll just give myself the time to make my choices."
"now, you're really getting it. thy will be done my son."
i hear the sounds of the street. my driver is nudging my shoulder.
"boss, dito na po kayo sa kabila, 'di na pwedeng buksan yung pinto niyo."
i look down, my heart still racing, my lungs craving for air. he was right, that soda can of a door held but i can't open it anymore.
i was alive.
again.
ps: a few days after the accident, i read neale's last book of the CWG series. and i totally freaked. was it a near-death hallucination? who knows? ^_^ oh, and God sounds like Patrick Stewart. to me anyway.
Choice
the cab entered the intersection too soon, and my field of vision was filled with metallic light blue, headlights, and a toyota symbol pushing forward, inexorably, unceasingly. sound followed, a vaguely familiar one. it was the sound a soda can makes when you step on it, a sickening crunch of collapsing metal. from out of nowhere, a realisation: are cars nowadays this flimsy? i see a delicate pattern form on the window, like a spider on steroids making a web. it stays frozen for a few moments, and a shower of crystal was headed my way. i close my eyes, reflexively. this is it. then a light, then a darkness.
i open them again in this darkness, followed by light, followed by a vague sense of community. and then, like one of those graphic displays you'd see in a science fiction movie, there it was before me, the moment of the accident. then a tracery of lines, showing me everyone who would be affected by it; everyone who saw it, both drivers, the people in the other vehicle. then all around me and that moment, an endless mosaic of scenarios flashed by... one where the cab flips twice, falls onto another car, rolls off, only to get hit by another car... one, where i didn't wear my seat belt, and i flew through the front windshield. but i swore i bucked my seat belt.... each scenario examining the consequences of a little change in the many variables that made up that moment. i stood there, morbidly fascinated with some of the possibilities. then a voice broke my contemplation. a strangely familiar sounding voice.
"are you done?"
"what?"
"your thoughts and feelings have brought you to this moment, and it seems to me that you wanted a way out of your current situation. this is it."
i thought for a moment. captain picard? what the heck? then back to the issue at hand.
"but wait, this is an accident. why ask me this question?"
"you should know by now that there are no 'accidents'. i know for a fact that this is what you are feeling right now. you called for this, so, decide."
"decide what?"
"do you want to continue living your life?"
"of course i do."
"then why do you carry on as if you wanted to leave? to die."
"hey, wait a second... i'm not suicidal! and how can you possibly... this is an accident!"
"you're funny. and to think you consider yourself a fan of neale and the time i talked to him."
i stop. surprised. so i wasn't talking to myself. and yet i am. oh shit.
"ah, you're getting it."
"funny, i thought you'd sound more like..."
"james earl jones?"
laughter rings out in this conference room at the end of time, of comprehension, of well everything that is. whatever "is" maybe to you at the moment.
"so, are you going back 'down there'?"
"yes."
"are you sure?"
"yes."
"you know what to do now with your life?"
"not quite yet, but i know whatever i choose, i'll be back here. again. so i'll just give myself the time to make my choices."
"now, you're really getting it. thy will be done my son."
i hear the sounds of the street. my driver is nudging my shoulder.
"boss, dito na po kayo sa kabila, 'di na pwedeng buksan yung pinto niyo."
i look down, my heart still racing, my lungs craving for air. he was right, that soda can of a door held but i can't open it anymore.
i was alive.
again.
ps: a few days after the accident, i read neale's last book of the CWG series. and i totally freaked. was it a near-death hallucination? who knows? ^_^ oh, and God sounds like Patrick Stewart. to me anyway.