My little "A-ha" moment...
So recently, I've been pretty depressed. Long story short, there has been a great deal going on with a close group of friends I have down in New Jersey. Sadly, with me up in Toronto, it meant that I couldn't participate in the activities, and what turned out to be a very exciting and funfilled time. On top of it all, I've been feeling incredibly distanced from this same group, which only fueled the depression. I tried so many different ways to address the situation, but in the end, I only felt like I made matters worse. I even tried to pry a little, which makes me feel probably even worse... especially when it never improved my mood at all.
Today, I guess it all surfaced... and while I was alone, at work, I felt the overwhelming urge to cry. I hadn't felt that depressed... that low... in a very long time. I was sad, very miserable and in a very dark place, mentally. I started pondering my own life... how and why I got there and what were the possible ways out from it. It was then, when it hit me... and at that very moment, everything lined up perfectly so that EVERYTHING made sense.
I wasn't having fun anymore.
I know, it sounds incredibly general, but it explained everything. My friends in New Jersey have been the ones I've been visiting and having a great deal of fun with each visit. We always had a good time hanging out, playing video games... all kinds of stuff. The distancing feeling was a huge threat to me, which is why I guarded it so badly... because the loss of it would be the loss of one of my main sources of fun. When they had a great time over the weekend, I became envious because they were having fun and I wasn't... and that I wanted to have fun too, to the point of being jealous of their situation. I realized that, as life settled into it's routine, things became drab, boring and dull. I literally gave up trying to have fun, and spent most of my days trying to rest.
It was such a revelation... which instantly changed my mood completely. Not only was I able to find out what was causing my depression, my jealousy and my mood... but I could actually DO something about it. My entire trip home, I started to formulate and devise plans of things I've been wanting to do, but never got around to doing. They went from small things, like walks with Candice and Abby, to grand scale vacations to all kinds of places. Then I thought about what I'd tell Candice... and what this means for our relationship. She's different than I am... so this might be a challenge. But we'll see.. only time will tell what we have in store and what will happen once we get started on this. All I can say is this - I haven't been this excited over... pretty much nothing, really... in a long, long time...
Today, I guess it all surfaced... and while I was alone, at work, I felt the overwhelming urge to cry. I hadn't felt that depressed... that low... in a very long time. I was sad, very miserable and in a very dark place, mentally. I started pondering my own life... how and why I got there and what were the possible ways out from it. It was then, when it hit me... and at that very moment, everything lined up perfectly so that EVERYTHING made sense.
I wasn't having fun anymore.
I know, it sounds incredibly general, but it explained everything. My friends in New Jersey have been the ones I've been visiting and having a great deal of fun with each visit. We always had a good time hanging out, playing video games... all kinds of stuff. The distancing feeling was a huge threat to me, which is why I guarded it so badly... because the loss of it would be the loss of one of my main sources of fun. When they had a great time over the weekend, I became envious because they were having fun and I wasn't... and that I wanted to have fun too, to the point of being jealous of their situation. I realized that, as life settled into it's routine, things became drab, boring and dull. I literally gave up trying to have fun, and spent most of my days trying to rest.
It was such a revelation... which instantly changed my mood completely. Not only was I able to find out what was causing my depression, my jealousy and my mood... but I could actually DO something about it. My entire trip home, I started to formulate and devise plans of things I've been wanting to do, but never got around to doing. They went from small things, like walks with Candice and Abby, to grand scale vacations to all kinds of places. Then I thought about what I'd tell Candice... and what this means for our relationship. She's different than I am... so this might be a challenge. But we'll see.. only time will tell what we have in store and what will happen once we get started on this. All I can say is this - I haven't been this excited over... pretty much nothing, really... in a long, long time...