[Dong Bang Shin Ki] Intent
Xiah Junsu wants to go home.
In a foreign country, flashing the world their style and beat, Junsu could not understand why it all felt so wrong. The few months they spent back in Korea to promote their third album seemed like a dream now, piled under their recent Japanese workload and promotion for the new concert tour. Normally Junsu liked the attention, loved the fact that the group, practically his second family, came so far. Normally Junsu loved to laugh, loved to talk, loved to just be with the others and enjoy the fruit of all their hard labor.
He didn't know exactly when he stopped doing all those normal things.
Instead, nowadays Junsu sat slightly apart from the others, smile only half genuine, infectious laughter nearly nonexistent. Nowadays the second youngest spend most of his time alone, thinking, brooding, and wondering just where it all went wrong.
He didn't know exactly when he stopped laughing, and started resenting.
Junsu never realized how much he loved the attention when they were in Korea. In their home country, the second youngest was one of the most popular of the five, having an almost pure and innocent charm different from any of the others. His voice, his dance moves, and his personality, it was a heady combination for the fans. And Junsu basked in their affection and adoration, glowed under the spotlight.
At some point, he realized that he liked having people's attention, not just from the fans but also the other members. He liked to know that he is an integral part of the group, of their little Dong Bang family. He liked being the one who can laugh as much as Changmin, the one who can make Jaejoong and Yunho smile, even back when the two oldest members were not talking to each other. Junsu liked the fact that no matter where he went, eyes were on him.
But here in Japan, Junsu found himself suddenly pushed to the backdrop. He found himself suddenly staring at the back of the oldest member, who while was not unpopular in Korea, instantly became the newest fan favorite in Japan. The treatment changed drastically, but their workload was so high that Junsu only gradually realized the difference, and by then it was too late.
Now the one who glowed was Jaejoong, the one who talked the most was Jaejoong, and the one who laughed the most was also Jaejoong. Suddenly the eyes of the world were only on the oldest member of the band, who not only had physical beauty, but also the voice of an angel. Now interviewers talk to Jaejoong the most, focusing on his voice, his looks, his charms. Now Changmin practically drape himself all over the older member, choosing the always-laughing Jaejoong over the quiet, brooding Junsu.
Junsu found himself alone, because even while Yunho avoided Jaejoong, his eyes always invariably find themselves searching the room for the other man. He suddenly found himself silent and empty, because no one has any reason to look at him anymore.
Finding himself so ignored, Junsu had plenty of spare time to consider his feelings, and after careful examination he could safely conclude that he was jealous. He didn't hate Jaejoong; it is physically impossible for him to truly hate any of the other members. Dong Bang Shin Ki was, is, and always will be his second family, supporting him perhaps even more than his real family. But the envy that twisted inside him could not be ignored, despite the careful smiling mask he presented to the world.
He was jealous of Jaejoong's new popularity in this foreign country, jealous of the change in the older member who went from a dark, brooding beauty to rays of sunshine to the other members. He resented knowing that at one point he was the sunshine, and somewhere along the way he had burnt out and was replaced. He hated the fact that fans no longer scream his name as much, that they no longer lay their eyes on him.
He hated the fact that the other members of Dong Bang Shin Ki never look at him anymore.
It wasn't until recently that Junsu realized how much the other members' opinion meant to him. It was only a few short weeks ago when he realized that the dark feelings that coiled and twisted in his heart was not just homesickness, but something worse. It was only during that short little photoshoot, that it occurred to him that the restlessness was not just a fluke.
They were standing in the standard formation for the photoshoot, Begin playing softly in the background while they stood. Junsu wasn't sure what made him start singing the song, but the next thing he knew, he heard Jaejoong sing. When he turned his head, he saw Yoochun turn to look at Jaejoong, leaning forward, and he saw Jaejoong with a calculating look in his eyes, learning up to place a kiss on Yoochun's cheek.
At that moment, Junsu felt so many emotions that he was surprised the only thing he did was a small nudge at Yoochun. What he wanted to do was scream, yell at Jaejoong and demand to know why he did that. He wanted to stomp his feet like a child, he wanted to scream and cry and demand answers. He wanted to hurt Jaejoong, hurt him like how he hurt Yunho, hurt him like how he hurt Junsu, and make the older man feel the sudden restrictive pain that flashed through Junsu's body.
But he did nothing, and looked toward the camera with that fake, composed look, ignoring Changmin's comment and the silliness that followed. After the photoshoot and the interview, Junsu had found himself a secluded spot and thought, running every little detail through his head until he thought his brain would explode. And then he discovered that he wanted his popularity back, that he's jealous of Jaejoong, that more than anything, he wants the other members to pay attention to him again.
Yet despite knowing all these things, he realized that he couldn't do anything after all. In this country, Jaejoong is more popular, and Junsu himself is already too set in his image of being more serious and cool to suddenly try to act differently.
So he wanted to go home, back to Korea where the fans looked at him, screamed his name, adored him. He wanted to go back to the place where he was loved. He wanted the others to see him, to talk to him, to laugh with him again.
~ * ~
Throughout the entire time Junsu sat and analyzed his feelings, he carefully avoided examining any thoughts involving the middle member of the group. He did not think that it wasn't the entire group that he wanted to pay attention to him, but rather a single person in the group. He avoided the fact that the real reason he wanted popularity wasn't for the sake of popularity, but rather that if interviewers talk to him more, then naturally the eyes of the members are on him. He ignored the little whisper that the only real reason he resents Jaejoong so much, the true reason he wanted to be in Jaejoong's shoes was that Jaejoong is so much closer to one of the members than Junsu is. He examined many things, but he cleverly skipped over the pain that blossomed, the burning in his chest and behind his eyes, when Jaejoong gave his little kiss in front of the camera; he cleverly skipped just why he wanted to scream and demand for answers, who he wanted to cry over.
He did not think about that person, because he didn't want to realize how important that person had become, didn't want to realize how hopeless it was, how much pain knowing can bring. He did not think in that direction, because ignorance is far better than acknowledging what is impossible. He did not want to admit that the answer he gave, the name he revealed during a radio show, the question being which of the members he would date if he were a girl, was the truth.
For that reason, during the entire afternoon that Junsu spent pouring over his resentment for being pushed to the background, examining his jealousy for the oldest member, only the name Park Yoochun did not appear in his mind.
~ * ~
For that same reason, Junsu did not notice Yoochun recoiling away from Jaejoong after the kiss, did not notice the look Jaejoong shot at Yunho and Yunho's returned uncertain gaze. He was too distracted to recognize Jaejoong's satisfied smirk the next morning, or Yunho's own content expression.
Junsu certainly did not see Yoochun watching him, wondering why they had drifted so far apart.
END
Notes: the only point I didn't bring across: Junsu is jealous of Jaejoong for being such good friend with Yoochun, which is what Junsu thinks the reason that Yoochun never have eyes for Junsu. WHICH IS basically the reason Junsu wants to become popular, since if Yoochun won't look at him on their offtime, at least he'll look at Junsu on shows and interviews if Junsu's popular enough to command all of the interviewer's attention. I coudln't really bring that point across properly because Junsu is actively attempting to NOT think about these things, so it's hard for me to do it in a way that he doesn't realize I said it at all... XD
Also this was SUPPOSED to be really short drabble but Junsu is complicated, his situation is complicated, and I ended up spending 2 and half pages on him. I kept feeling like I was running around in circles when I wrote it, but I guess it works since Junsu is the one who's really running around in circles in his head, admittance and denial both screaming at him, so I guess it's okay. XD
In a foreign country, flashing the world their style and beat, Junsu could not understand why it all felt so wrong. The few months they spent back in Korea to promote their third album seemed like a dream now, piled under their recent Japanese workload and promotion for the new concert tour. Normally Junsu liked the attention, loved the fact that the group, practically his second family, came so far. Normally Junsu loved to laugh, loved to talk, loved to just be with the others and enjoy the fruit of all their hard labor.
He didn't know exactly when he stopped doing all those normal things.
Instead, nowadays Junsu sat slightly apart from the others, smile only half genuine, infectious laughter nearly nonexistent. Nowadays the second youngest spend most of his time alone, thinking, brooding, and wondering just where it all went wrong.
He didn't know exactly when he stopped laughing, and started resenting.
Junsu never realized how much he loved the attention when they were in Korea. In their home country, the second youngest was one of the most popular of the five, having an almost pure and innocent charm different from any of the others. His voice, his dance moves, and his personality, it was a heady combination for the fans. And Junsu basked in their affection and adoration, glowed under the spotlight.
At some point, he realized that he liked having people's attention, not just from the fans but also the other members. He liked to know that he is an integral part of the group, of their little Dong Bang family. He liked being the one who can laugh as much as Changmin, the one who can make Jaejoong and Yunho smile, even back when the two oldest members were not talking to each other. Junsu liked the fact that no matter where he went, eyes were on him.
But here in Japan, Junsu found himself suddenly pushed to the backdrop. He found himself suddenly staring at the back of the oldest member, who while was not unpopular in Korea, instantly became the newest fan favorite in Japan. The treatment changed drastically, but their workload was so high that Junsu only gradually realized the difference, and by then it was too late.
Now the one who glowed was Jaejoong, the one who talked the most was Jaejoong, and the one who laughed the most was also Jaejoong. Suddenly the eyes of the world were only on the oldest member of the band, who not only had physical beauty, but also the voice of an angel. Now interviewers talk to Jaejoong the most, focusing on his voice, his looks, his charms. Now Changmin practically drape himself all over the older member, choosing the always-laughing Jaejoong over the quiet, brooding Junsu.
Junsu found himself alone, because even while Yunho avoided Jaejoong, his eyes always invariably find themselves searching the room for the other man. He suddenly found himself silent and empty, because no one has any reason to look at him anymore.
Finding himself so ignored, Junsu had plenty of spare time to consider his feelings, and after careful examination he could safely conclude that he was jealous. He didn't hate Jaejoong; it is physically impossible for him to truly hate any of the other members. Dong Bang Shin Ki was, is, and always will be his second family, supporting him perhaps even more than his real family. But the envy that twisted inside him could not be ignored, despite the careful smiling mask he presented to the world.
He was jealous of Jaejoong's new popularity in this foreign country, jealous of the change in the older member who went from a dark, brooding beauty to rays of sunshine to the other members. He resented knowing that at one point he was the sunshine, and somewhere along the way he had burnt out and was replaced. He hated the fact that fans no longer scream his name as much, that they no longer lay their eyes on him.
He hated the fact that the other members of Dong Bang Shin Ki never look at him anymore.
It wasn't until recently that Junsu realized how much the other members' opinion meant to him. It was only a few short weeks ago when he realized that the dark feelings that coiled and twisted in his heart was not just homesickness, but something worse. It was only during that short little photoshoot, that it occurred to him that the restlessness was not just a fluke.
They were standing in the standard formation for the photoshoot, Begin playing softly in the background while they stood. Junsu wasn't sure what made him start singing the song, but the next thing he knew, he heard Jaejoong sing. When he turned his head, he saw Yoochun turn to look at Jaejoong, leaning forward, and he saw Jaejoong with a calculating look in his eyes, learning up to place a kiss on Yoochun's cheek.
At that moment, Junsu felt so many emotions that he was surprised the only thing he did was a small nudge at Yoochun. What he wanted to do was scream, yell at Jaejoong and demand to know why he did that. He wanted to stomp his feet like a child, he wanted to scream and cry and demand answers. He wanted to hurt Jaejoong, hurt him like how he hurt Yunho, hurt him like how he hurt Junsu, and make the older man feel the sudden restrictive pain that flashed through Junsu's body.
But he did nothing, and looked toward the camera with that fake, composed look, ignoring Changmin's comment and the silliness that followed. After the photoshoot and the interview, Junsu had found himself a secluded spot and thought, running every little detail through his head until he thought his brain would explode. And then he discovered that he wanted his popularity back, that he's jealous of Jaejoong, that more than anything, he wants the other members to pay attention to him again.
Yet despite knowing all these things, he realized that he couldn't do anything after all. In this country, Jaejoong is more popular, and Junsu himself is already too set in his image of being more serious and cool to suddenly try to act differently.
So he wanted to go home, back to Korea where the fans looked at him, screamed his name, adored him. He wanted to go back to the place where he was loved. He wanted the others to see him, to talk to him, to laugh with him again.
~ * ~
Throughout the entire time Junsu sat and analyzed his feelings, he carefully avoided examining any thoughts involving the middle member of the group. He did not think that it wasn't the entire group that he wanted to pay attention to him, but rather a single person in the group. He avoided the fact that the real reason he wanted popularity wasn't for the sake of popularity, but rather that if interviewers talk to him more, then naturally the eyes of the members are on him. He ignored the little whisper that the only real reason he resents Jaejoong so much, the true reason he wanted to be in Jaejoong's shoes was that Jaejoong is so much closer to one of the members than Junsu is. He examined many things, but he cleverly skipped over the pain that blossomed, the burning in his chest and behind his eyes, when Jaejoong gave his little kiss in front of the camera; he cleverly skipped just why he wanted to scream and demand for answers, who he wanted to cry over.
He did not think about that person, because he didn't want to realize how important that person had become, didn't want to realize how hopeless it was, how much pain knowing can bring. He did not think in that direction, because ignorance is far better than acknowledging what is impossible. He did not want to admit that the answer he gave, the name he revealed during a radio show, the question being which of the members he would date if he were a girl, was the truth.
For that reason, during the entire afternoon that Junsu spent pouring over his resentment for being pushed to the background, examining his jealousy for the oldest member, only the name Park Yoochun did not appear in his mind.
~ * ~
For that same reason, Junsu did not notice Yoochun recoiling away from Jaejoong after the kiss, did not notice the look Jaejoong shot at Yunho and Yunho's returned uncertain gaze. He was too distracted to recognize Jaejoong's satisfied smirk the next morning, or Yunho's own content expression.
Junsu certainly did not see Yoochun watching him, wondering why they had drifted so far apart.
END
Notes: the only point I didn't bring across: Junsu is jealous of Jaejoong for being such good friend with Yoochun, which is what Junsu thinks the reason that Yoochun never have eyes for Junsu. WHICH IS basically the reason Junsu wants to become popular, since if Yoochun won't look at him on their offtime, at least he'll look at Junsu on shows and interviews if Junsu's popular enough to command all of the interviewer's attention. I coudln't really bring that point across properly because Junsu is actively attempting to NOT think about these things, so it's hard for me to do it in a way that he doesn't realize I said it at all... XD
Also this was SUPPOSED to be really short drabble but Junsu is complicated, his situation is complicated, and I ended up spending 2 and half pages on him. I kept feeling like I was running around in circles when I wrote it, but I guess it works since Junsu is the one who's really running around in circles in his head, admittance and denial both screaming at him, so I guess it's okay. XD