Too long for Facebook....
I guess I'm really not sure how to start this, so we'll go with the old school Stream of Consciousness. So, this is your fair warning that I'm not going to say anything really important, I will likely ramble, and this will be long(probably). I won't be pissed if you skip over, as this is mostly for me to get it off my chest.
This year has been... so strange... for me. I began the year with what amounts to a betrayal. Nothing for my I'll-beat-it-up-for-you friends to get worked up over, but it is what it is. Well, I guess I didn't technically -start- the year that way... I started the year sick as a dog with that terrible flu/cold that ran through us all this winter. That shit knocked me on my ass. It was just after I got better that the other thing happened.
Both of those things, coupled with the end of Unemployment(which I counted up, I was on 14 weeks...thanks GA) basically set this year off on bad footing.
Since I was already frayed around the edges pretty badly from not having gotten the soul refreshing break the previous autumn, I just hermitted pretty solidly. Which had the nice side effect of not costing me money(via gas or elsewise) since I never left the house(except for games you people were gracious enough to pay my way to... I am still really very thankful <3).
I occupied myself to the point of being busy with anything I could get my hands on, but there were days I just couldn't muster up the will to do more than poke the internet and stare blankly into the aether.
I had good days, and in general, was upbeat and happy. *shrug* Like I usually am. By not-talking-about-it, me and Pup even managed a trip to Helen on one of the most beautiful and mild days I've seen in a while. It was practically perfect. Though even the little tourist town is looking frail in this sad economy.
But, that same day, I got called in for an interview the following Monday, and for the next 2-3 weeks I would be caught up in the craziness that was my getting hired on to a new security job.
It bring with it the security of a steady paycheck, and a sense of purpose... but at the same time it robs me of my weekends, which are the only time anything social happens, including games.
Because, as is normal for me every spring, the pendulum that shifts between introvert and extrovert each year has now swapped over. And in the classic catch-22, I now have (some)time, money and desire to see people and do things, but I am most certainly not on anyone else's schedule.
I guess I should get to what this post was started about. In short? I'm lonely. Not in that I need social interaction kind of lonely.... but in that I need social Connections kind of lonely. Hanging out is all well and good, and plenty of fun. But I have been lonely like this for many years. Lonely with the need to really connect with someone on a one-on-one level, to be friends in that way that goes beyond 'friend' but doesn't have to be a relationship. I've had glimpses here and there, people who flit in and out of my life that I make these connections to... but I don't think I've had a (local, lasting)best friend in years(my Beasleybub is the closest, but we're both busy).
Don't get me wrong, I love my friends dearly, and would be heartbroken to lose any of you. But there's a level of connection I'm just not getting, and it leaves this loneliness in the back of my heart to crop up at various times throughout the year. It crops up in my nightmares more often than I would like, leaving me hurting and disoriented in my waking life.
But I don't talk about it much. It's one of those things that I feel silly for bringing up, afraid that someone-including myself-will think I sound like an emo teenager whining about what they don't have while ignoring how blessed they are.
I just feel like there's this disconnect between myself and the rest of the world.
This year has been... so strange... for me. I began the year with what amounts to a betrayal. Nothing for my I'll-beat-it-up-for-you friends to get worked up over, but it is what it is. Well, I guess I didn't technically -start- the year that way... I started the year sick as a dog with that terrible flu/cold that ran through us all this winter. That shit knocked me on my ass. It was just after I got better that the other thing happened.
Both of those things, coupled with the end of Unemployment(which I counted up, I was on 14 weeks...thanks GA) basically set this year off on bad footing.
Since I was already frayed around the edges pretty badly from not having gotten the soul refreshing break the previous autumn, I just hermitted pretty solidly. Which had the nice side effect of not costing me money(via gas or elsewise) since I never left the house(except for games you people were gracious enough to pay my way to... I am still really very thankful <3).
I occupied myself to the point of being busy with anything I could get my hands on, but there were days I just couldn't muster up the will to do more than poke the internet and stare blankly into the aether.
I had good days, and in general, was upbeat and happy. *shrug* Like I usually am. By not-talking-about-it, me and Pup even managed a trip to Helen on one of the most beautiful and mild days I've seen in a while. It was practically perfect. Though even the little tourist town is looking frail in this sad economy.
But, that same day, I got called in for an interview the following Monday, and for the next 2-3 weeks I would be caught up in the craziness that was my getting hired on to a new security job.
It bring with it the security of a steady paycheck, and a sense of purpose... but at the same time it robs me of my weekends, which are the only time anything social happens, including games.
Because, as is normal for me every spring, the pendulum that shifts between introvert and extrovert each year has now swapped over. And in the classic catch-22, I now have (some)time, money and desire to see people and do things, but I am most certainly not on anyone else's schedule.
I guess I should get to what this post was started about. In short? I'm lonely. Not in that I need social interaction kind of lonely.... but in that I need social Connections kind of lonely. Hanging out is all well and good, and plenty of fun. But I have been lonely like this for many years. Lonely with the need to really connect with someone on a one-on-one level, to be friends in that way that goes beyond 'friend' but doesn't have to be a relationship. I've had glimpses here and there, people who flit in and out of my life that I make these connections to... but I don't think I've had a (local, lasting)best friend in years(my Beasleybub is the closest, but we're both busy).
Don't get me wrong, I love my friends dearly, and would be heartbroken to lose any of you. But there's a level of connection I'm just not getting, and it leaves this loneliness in the back of my heart to crop up at various times throughout the year. It crops up in my nightmares more often than I would like, leaving me hurting and disoriented in my waking life.
But I don't talk about it much. It's one of those things that I feel silly for bringing up, afraid that someone-including myself-will think I sound like an emo teenager whining about what they don't have while ignoring how blessed they are.
I just feel like there's this disconnect between myself and the rest of the world.