Why is it always 2 years?
Here I am again... the wee hours of the morning already fading into true morning... and I'm awake still.
Those things I can push aside but never truly get over enough to put away tend to find me at these times.
What haunts me tonight isn't unwelcome, even though my face is streaked with tears. Without knowing it before it was far, far too late... a couple of years ago I fell in love with a dear friend of mine. At the time, it terrified me... I had been a confidant and sounding board while he fell in love with his woman at the same time I was falling--unknowingly--for him. With their relationship so very new, I didn't want to stir things up, so I kept my feelings quiet.
See, I knew he would never be mine, love or no love... I'm polyamorous, a person capable of loving many at once. He, I knew from our many conversations, was monogamous and longed to settle down traditionally. So I had long ago put him in the 'no' box because I do not push my lifestlye at others... they come willingly accepting all of my life or they remain outside the intricate web that is my love life. Looking back, having him in the 'no' category is probably what let the love sneak up on me the way it did.
But I guess that was freeing in some way. *chuckles* We flirted and hung out so much that our friends were thinking something was going on long before the idea even occurred to me. Everyone gets 'friend crushes' and they fade in a relatively short time. I was sure that's what this was. It made sense with us having spent so much time together expanding out friendship beyond the casual acquaintances we had been. But oh, how much more that supposed crush turned out to be.
There's so much to this story... and I swear I couldn't make it sound more like a movie or novel if I tried. The truth is just so...heh... it played out as if driven by the hand of an author. From the secret love, to the unintentional reveal, to the tearful first/last kiss goodbye on my favorite holiday.
In the end I was left with that most tenuous and precious and terrible thing... Hope.
Realistically I know that hope is a ghost. But its gossamer threads are draped about my heart... and I love him still--I would even if that hope evaporated. My heart has stirred, and faded, for another since he left... but nights like tonight happen, a chink in my armor appears and memories flood me. Each illustrating just how little time, distance and lack of contact have done to soften the edges of my attraction.
I smile, even as I cry, to remember those times on his couch, stairs or bedroom where we'd spend hours talking and generally enjoying each other's company. Love aside, I miss that. I miss him as a near and dear friend down to the toes of my soul. The sadness of my love is also sweet with memories. My tears aren't for lost love... as they are truly for a lost companion. I knew he could never be mine, but he was more than a mere friend, and I miss that dearly.
We still talk, and I see him and his love from time to time(they're adorable ^_^). To this day, I turn into a blushing mess around him, but it's not like the both of them don't know how I feel. *stray thought* I might need to point him at this post, as a matter of fact. The last time I tried to keep my feelings from him I got thoroughly dressed down for keeping secrets. *chuckles* *end stray thought* But its not the same as those quiet nights, or serious talks, or joking ourselves silly over the assembly of a desk with a terribly suggestive manual.
It has become another one of my firefly summers... full of memories and magic... and something that changed my life forever.
Those things I can push aside but never truly get over enough to put away tend to find me at these times.
What haunts me tonight isn't unwelcome, even though my face is streaked with tears. Without knowing it before it was far, far too late... a couple of years ago I fell in love with a dear friend of mine. At the time, it terrified me... I had been a confidant and sounding board while he fell in love with his woman at the same time I was falling--unknowingly--for him. With their relationship so very new, I didn't want to stir things up, so I kept my feelings quiet.
See, I knew he would never be mine, love or no love... I'm polyamorous, a person capable of loving many at once. He, I knew from our many conversations, was monogamous and longed to settle down traditionally. So I had long ago put him in the 'no' box because I do not push my lifestlye at others... they come willingly accepting all of my life or they remain outside the intricate web that is my love life. Looking back, having him in the 'no' category is probably what let the love sneak up on me the way it did.
But I guess that was freeing in some way. *chuckles* We flirted and hung out so much that our friends were thinking something was going on long before the idea even occurred to me. Everyone gets 'friend crushes' and they fade in a relatively short time. I was sure that's what this was. It made sense with us having spent so much time together expanding out friendship beyond the casual acquaintances we had been. But oh, how much more that supposed crush turned out to be.
There's so much to this story... and I swear I couldn't make it sound more like a movie or novel if I tried. The truth is just so...heh... it played out as if driven by the hand of an author. From the secret love, to the unintentional reveal, to the tearful first/last kiss goodbye on my favorite holiday.
In the end I was left with that most tenuous and precious and terrible thing... Hope.
Realistically I know that hope is a ghost. But its gossamer threads are draped about my heart... and I love him still--I would even if that hope evaporated. My heart has stirred, and faded, for another since he left... but nights like tonight happen, a chink in my armor appears and memories flood me. Each illustrating just how little time, distance and lack of contact have done to soften the edges of my attraction.
I smile, even as I cry, to remember those times on his couch, stairs or bedroom where we'd spend hours talking and generally enjoying each other's company. Love aside, I miss that. I miss him as a near and dear friend down to the toes of my soul. The sadness of my love is also sweet with memories. My tears aren't for lost love... as they are truly for a lost companion. I knew he could never be mine, but he was more than a mere friend, and I miss that dearly.
We still talk, and I see him and his love from time to time(they're adorable ^_^). To this day, I turn into a blushing mess around him, but it's not like the both of them don't know how I feel. *stray thought* I might need to point him at this post, as a matter of fact. The last time I tried to keep my feelings from him I got thoroughly dressed down for keeping secrets. *chuckles* *end stray thought* But its not the same as those quiet nights, or serious talks, or joking ourselves silly over the assembly of a desk with a terribly suggestive manual.
It has become another one of my firefly summers... full of memories and magic... and something that changed my life forever.