I'm Tired of Politics and of Being "Married" (Note the " " Before You Get All Worried)
By which I don't mean regular world politics. (though I'm more than a little tired of that too) No, I mean personal politics. The kind that makes one person take an issue that does not, never has and never should concern them, and MAKE it their concern, when the actual parties involved have already dealt with the issue and moved past it.
I'm tired of how just the WORD marriage seems to be in and of itself cause for religious and unrelenting blindness; how people are so hypocritical that they don't care if two people do something, just as long as they aren't "married" when they do it.
I'm beginning to think that I should call our marriage something else. Find or make up some other word that describes what our marriage is to US so I don't have to deal with people pushing what THEY describe as a marriage onto us because they can't and/or won't see that marriage is something that is defined by the two people who make the commitment to each other.
Our marriage is not the same as our friends' marriage, or my brother-in-law's marriage, nor is it the same as my parents' marriage or even his parents' marriage.
Every happy, lasting married couple defines to themselves and to their partner what their marriage is. Whether it is between themselves only, between themselves and a god of some sort or whatever, it is the couple that makes that decision.
It is the couple that defines the nature and boundaries of their relationship, in ALL aspects, including and especially where their sex life is concerned.
As I grow older, the more I see of this forsaken world, the more I am coming to realize that there is no such thing as separation of church and state. Our lives were not joined because of some god or religious ceremony. We did not enter into any pact with any diety, we did not enter into any institution or club with formal rules and regulations. We merely joined our lives together in the eyes of our friends, family, and the government.
Had I known then the trouble one word would cause, I would have insisted the formal ceremony be called a union of lives cermony, not a marriage ceremony; that our union, our joining of our lives officially in the eyes of the government for the legal benefits provided therein (NOT any church or religion) be called a partnership, not a marriage.
Because truly that is what our "marriage" really is. It is a partnership that we both work hard to keep healthy. If our union is a marriage, it is only in the strictest of definitions- the formal joining of two lives, two different components, into one.
At no time does any actual DEFINITION of the WORD marriage include the SOCIETAL context of "to only sleep/have sex with the person with whom you have joined your life". THAT is a tennant put in place by the church, which has thus been accepted by the sheep that make up society. THAT is a tennant that should be discussed between the two people who have decided to officially join their lives together in the eyes of the legal system, NOT by society. If THEY decide that is part and parcel of being "married" then it is- FOR THEM.
That does NOT mean it is for us.
Now, don't misunderstand me. I don't stand for affairs and cheating, "married" or not. Those to me are plain wrong, because they involve lack of communication, lack of trust, and most importantly, they inolve lying, sneaking around and keeping secrets.
To have even a semi-open relationship requires constant communication on how both parties really feel, a level of trust most people can not comprehend, and knowledge of what is going on or about to happen. There is no lying, no sneaking around behind the other person's back, no covering things up.
So, I'm sorry, but to ME, if a married couple is able to have this kind of openness and honesty in their communications and feelings, and decide that this is something they want to do or try, then the fact that they are married at the time shouldn't mean jack shit to anyone because both people involved know what is going on, have discussed it at length, and have made it a part of their union whether permenantly or on a trial basis.
Because heaven forbid their definition of THEIR marriage be different than YOUR definition of YOUR marriage.
So telling me that an open relationship is fine so long as we aren't married.. saying that if we decide that that is what we both want, we should at least have the respect for each other to get a divorce to do it, is hypocricy in one of its highest forms.
Our marriage is not yours, nor our lives yours and your husband's. Do not treat it as if it is. Do not force your views, your opinions, down my throat. I imagine you wouldn't take too kindly to anyone doing that to you, so don't expect me to take it lying down either.
You don't have to like or agree with the decisions we make, but they are OURS to make plain and simple, whether they turn out to be mistakes or not, and you do need to respect that.
And if things seem more dire, in terms of stress and everything else, than they ever have, it is NOT because our "marriage" isn't fitting YOUR definition of what "marriage" is, it is because we are going through something that WE as a COUPLE have never gone through before, something that reletive to US, is the hardest times OUR relationship have ever faced before.
So if we, or either one of us, seems more depressed, stressed, upset or whatever than we ever have, THAT is why.
NEVER before in OUR lives together have we been trying to have a child. NEVER before in OUR lives have we been this financially strapped. Never before in OUR lives have we been facing the things we have been lately. And ALL of these NEW things to US at ONCE.
I don't give a rats ass if YOU have faced worse times. WE haven't, and so WE are reacting to things the best way WE know how, because to US, what WE are going through IS the hardest times WE have ever faced.
And you have never seen us face anything like the stuff we are facing right now either. Which means you've never seen us this stressed either.
And amazingly, just like you don't tell YOUR parents everything you are going through with your significant other, guess what, we aren't telling YOU everything we are going through either, and for the exact same reasons- because we don't feel it's any of your business anymore than you feel your stuff is any of your parents' business.
I'm also willing to bet there is any number of things you've done your parents don't know anything about, and would be shocked to learn. Ideas they have of you that would be shattered if they knew the truths you kept hidden. Don't think for a second your offspring are going to be any different than that, sweetheart.
Kindly keep that in mind before you go deciding that YOU know better than WE do what WE are feeling and going through.
Kindly keep that in mind before you go trying ram your definitions and opinions down OUR throats, especially concerning something that a- doesn't concern you, and b- we resolved and moved past MONTHS ago and is in fact no longer an issue. (Never mind the fact that is was never even an issue to begin with!)
I know most of this won't mean much to most (if any) of you, and a good portion of it sounds directed at someone in particular (because it is, even though they will never read it), but it was something I needed to get off my chest anyway. Especially after having to deal with burying my grandmother last week.
I'm tired of how just the WORD marriage seems to be in and of itself cause for religious and unrelenting blindness; how people are so hypocritical that they don't care if two people do something, just as long as they aren't "married" when they do it.
I'm beginning to think that I should call our marriage something else. Find or make up some other word that describes what our marriage is to US so I don't have to deal with people pushing what THEY describe as a marriage onto us because they can't and/or won't see that marriage is something that is defined by the two people who make the commitment to each other.
Our marriage is not the same as our friends' marriage, or my brother-in-law's marriage, nor is it the same as my parents' marriage or even his parents' marriage.
Every happy, lasting married couple defines to themselves and to their partner what their marriage is. Whether it is between themselves only, between themselves and a god of some sort or whatever, it is the couple that makes that decision.
It is the couple that defines the nature and boundaries of their relationship, in ALL aspects, including and especially where their sex life is concerned.
As I grow older, the more I see of this forsaken world, the more I am coming to realize that there is no such thing as separation of church and state. Our lives were not joined because of some god or religious ceremony. We did not enter into any pact with any diety, we did not enter into any institution or club with formal rules and regulations. We merely joined our lives together in the eyes of our friends, family, and the government.
Had I known then the trouble one word would cause, I would have insisted the formal ceremony be called a union of lives cermony, not a marriage ceremony; that our union, our joining of our lives officially in the eyes of the government for the legal benefits provided therein (NOT any church or religion) be called a partnership, not a marriage.
Because truly that is what our "marriage" really is. It is a partnership that we both work hard to keep healthy. If our union is a marriage, it is only in the strictest of definitions- the formal joining of two lives, two different components, into one.
At no time does any actual DEFINITION of the WORD marriage include the SOCIETAL context of "to only sleep/have sex with the person with whom you have joined your life". THAT is a tennant put in place by the church, which has thus been accepted by the sheep that make up society. THAT is a tennant that should be discussed between the two people who have decided to officially join their lives together in the eyes of the legal system, NOT by society. If THEY decide that is part and parcel of being "married" then it is- FOR THEM.
That does NOT mean it is for us.
Now, don't misunderstand me. I don't stand for affairs and cheating, "married" or not. Those to me are plain wrong, because they involve lack of communication, lack of trust, and most importantly, they inolve lying, sneaking around and keeping secrets.
To have even a semi-open relationship requires constant communication on how both parties really feel, a level of trust most people can not comprehend, and knowledge of what is going on or about to happen. There is no lying, no sneaking around behind the other person's back, no covering things up.
So, I'm sorry, but to ME, if a married couple is able to have this kind of openness and honesty in their communications and feelings, and decide that this is something they want to do or try, then the fact that they are married at the time shouldn't mean jack shit to anyone because both people involved know what is going on, have discussed it at length, and have made it a part of their union whether permenantly or on a trial basis.
Because heaven forbid their definition of THEIR marriage be different than YOUR definition of YOUR marriage.
So telling me that an open relationship is fine so long as we aren't married.. saying that if we decide that that is what we both want, we should at least have the respect for each other to get a divorce to do it, is hypocricy in one of its highest forms.
Our marriage is not yours, nor our lives yours and your husband's. Do not treat it as if it is. Do not force your views, your opinions, down my throat. I imagine you wouldn't take too kindly to anyone doing that to you, so don't expect me to take it lying down either.
You don't have to like or agree with the decisions we make, but they are OURS to make plain and simple, whether they turn out to be mistakes or not, and you do need to respect that.
And if things seem more dire, in terms of stress and everything else, than they ever have, it is NOT because our "marriage" isn't fitting YOUR definition of what "marriage" is, it is because we are going through something that WE as a COUPLE have never gone through before, something that reletive to US, is the hardest times OUR relationship have ever faced before.
So if we, or either one of us, seems more depressed, stressed, upset or whatever than we ever have, THAT is why.
NEVER before in OUR lives together have we been trying to have a child. NEVER before in OUR lives have we been this financially strapped. Never before in OUR lives have we been facing the things we have been lately. And ALL of these NEW things to US at ONCE.
I don't give a rats ass if YOU have faced worse times. WE haven't, and so WE are reacting to things the best way WE know how, because to US, what WE are going through IS the hardest times WE have ever faced.
And you have never seen us face anything like the stuff we are facing right now either. Which means you've never seen us this stressed either.
And amazingly, just like you don't tell YOUR parents everything you are going through with your significant other, guess what, we aren't telling YOU everything we are going through either, and for the exact same reasons- because we don't feel it's any of your business anymore than you feel your stuff is any of your parents' business.
I'm also willing to bet there is any number of things you've done your parents don't know anything about, and would be shocked to learn. Ideas they have of you that would be shattered if they knew the truths you kept hidden. Don't think for a second your offspring are going to be any different than that, sweetheart.
Kindly keep that in mind before you go deciding that YOU know better than WE do what WE are feeling and going through.
Kindly keep that in mind before you go trying ram your definitions and opinions down OUR throats, especially concerning something that a- doesn't concern you, and b- we resolved and moved past MONTHS ago and is in fact no longer an issue. (Never mind the fact that is was never even an issue to begin with!)
I know most of this won't mean much to most (if any) of you, and a good portion of it sounds directed at someone in particular (because it is, even though they will never read it), but it was something I needed to get off my chest anyway. Especially after having to deal with burying my grandmother last week.