(no subject)
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK fuck
I thought I was done with this shit. But no, I'm still living my empty life all by myself in my little nowhere land with no hope for the future. I pay a woman with a clipboard $125 a week to be my friend. I thought ok, I'm taking the right pills, I'm less afraid of people, I've got a positive attitude about life...I should be ready to start living my life. But what does it amount to? I'm still the same goddamned person and I don't think it's ever going to change.
I seriously think I might have Asperger's. I am an absolute hole of a human being, with no passions, interests, or opinions of my own. Any time I'm trying to fit in I only realize how much of a square peg I really am. It's great that I blew away some of my old mental blocks, but every time one of them disappears I begin to realize that there was a reason I had them there in the first place. I am a complete failure in every aspect of my life and to see someone try to help is saddening because they won't be able to and they'll only come to realize as well just how much of a failure I really am.
Jesus christ, is there really a reason to continue to be alive? I am so frustrated and so unable to express myself and so ready to just blow away the rest of the world altogether. Fucking fucking fuck, I have probably wasted tens of thousands of dollars on therapy that only works on normal people.
I had a nice little fantasy life where I could believe I was awesome and that it's a shame more people don't know me, but then I had to go and hope that there was something better for myself and that's when some higher power came along and smacked me in the back of the head and told me not to be such an idiot. I am trying to live in the real world but the real world has absolutely no place for someone like me.
Japanese, holy shit let me tell you about Japanese. There is absolutely no reason to learn Japanese. If anyone is actually reading this, Japanese is useless. It is harder than almost any language to learn and there are almost zero job opportunities available to a white guy who speaks it. If you still want to learn Japanese, congratulations. You have committed yourself to wasting ten years of your life trying to get to the point where you can read an instruction manual for a rice cooker.
I've isolated myself for years and seriously have no life. All of my friends are long gone, as it always is. My family and my job are really the only thing that gets me out of the house. Attempting to make friends or start new activities now just reeks of trying too hard and once people do get to know me all they will find out is that my life is absolutely empty. They will pity me. And maybe pity is all that I deserve. They will be nice to me, sure, but internally they are thinking, "god this guy is so boring, he never likes to have fun, he doesn't have any friends."
It's never going to change, is it? My entire life is going to be spent slaving away at some bullshit job so that I can keep living my pointless life just long enough for me to die.
I thought I was done with this shit. But no, I'm still living my empty life all by myself in my little nowhere land with no hope for the future. I pay a woman with a clipboard $125 a week to be my friend. I thought ok, I'm taking the right pills, I'm less afraid of people, I've got a positive attitude about life...I should be ready to start living my life. But what does it amount to? I'm still the same goddamned person and I don't think it's ever going to change.
I seriously think I might have Asperger's. I am an absolute hole of a human being, with no passions, interests, or opinions of my own. Any time I'm trying to fit in I only realize how much of a square peg I really am. It's great that I blew away some of my old mental blocks, but every time one of them disappears I begin to realize that there was a reason I had them there in the first place. I am a complete failure in every aspect of my life and to see someone try to help is saddening because they won't be able to and they'll only come to realize as well just how much of a failure I really am.
Jesus christ, is there really a reason to continue to be alive? I am so frustrated and so unable to express myself and so ready to just blow away the rest of the world altogether. Fucking fucking fuck, I have probably wasted tens of thousands of dollars on therapy that only works on normal people.
I had a nice little fantasy life where I could believe I was awesome and that it's a shame more people don't know me, but then I had to go and hope that there was something better for myself and that's when some higher power came along and smacked me in the back of the head and told me not to be such an idiot. I am trying to live in the real world but the real world has absolutely no place for someone like me.
Japanese, holy shit let me tell you about Japanese. There is absolutely no reason to learn Japanese. If anyone is actually reading this, Japanese is useless. It is harder than almost any language to learn and there are almost zero job opportunities available to a white guy who speaks it. If you still want to learn Japanese, congratulations. You have committed yourself to wasting ten years of your life trying to get to the point where you can read an instruction manual for a rice cooker.
I've isolated myself for years and seriously have no life. All of my friends are long gone, as it always is. My family and my job are really the only thing that gets me out of the house. Attempting to make friends or start new activities now just reeks of trying too hard and once people do get to know me all they will find out is that my life is absolutely empty. They will pity me. And maybe pity is all that I deserve. They will be nice to me, sure, but internally they are thinking, "god this guy is so boring, he never likes to have fun, he doesn't have any friends."
It's never going to change, is it? My entire life is going to be spent slaving away at some bullshit job so that I can keep living my pointless life just long enough for me to die.