(no subject)
have you ever had that one moment where you feel older? not in any real sense, but the most abstract way possible...and sometimes i feel like it's not necessarily a good thing either. it really hit me when i saw my family a couple of weeks ago. everything was the exactly as i remembered, but still completely different.
i felt like such a little kid sometimes. i saw my uncle in hospital after he had what they called a progressive stroke. i hated myself for it, but the whole hospital situation made me feel uncomfortable. and i've been thinking about it, and the saddest thing about seeing him like that is...i can only remember him like that. i have no memory of him being any different.. except for one.
when i was little and we stayed at my aunt and uncle's house in ashtead. i got so bored, listening to the parents talk...but he used to always help me upstairs to set up this computer game. it was called pipe dream or something. i can remember that vividly; it's funny what stays with you.
and it was strange. this year was really the first time that i sort of understood the subtleties of all the relationships.. there were some people i had gotten almost completely wrong. it's weird to see them in a different light after so many years.
hm as much as it would frustrate me to have my family so close, i'm kind of jealous that they have the chance to be so involved in each other's lives. i mean if i lived there i would have no privacy, but they just have this amazing support net that i don't think they truly appreciate.
it makes me sad to think about graduation or anything like that. my family lives so far away, i don't see how i would ever have any of them be there..i've thought about going to school in england but, at the same time, i sort of feel like an outsider in my own family. i've never been a real part of any of their lives.
and it's weird to think that far ahead into the future, because by that time, a lot of my family isn't going to be there. it makes me wonder about my own mortality, in a depressing sort of way...
..i think sometimes about what many of them used to be like. when i've seen wedding albums or videos of them on holiday..back then they were entirely different people. mm sometimes i wish i could remember them like that.
i felt like such a little kid sometimes. i saw my uncle in hospital after he had what they called a progressive stroke. i hated myself for it, but the whole hospital situation made me feel uncomfortable. and i've been thinking about it, and the saddest thing about seeing him like that is...i can only remember him like that. i have no memory of him being any different.. except for one.
when i was little and we stayed at my aunt and uncle's house in ashtead. i got so bored, listening to the parents talk...but he used to always help me upstairs to set up this computer game. it was called pipe dream or something. i can remember that vividly; it's funny what stays with you.
and it was strange. this year was really the first time that i sort of understood the subtleties of all the relationships.. there were some people i had gotten almost completely wrong. it's weird to see them in a different light after so many years.
hm as much as it would frustrate me to have my family so close, i'm kind of jealous that they have the chance to be so involved in each other's lives. i mean if i lived there i would have no privacy, but they just have this amazing support net that i don't think they truly appreciate.
it makes me sad to think about graduation or anything like that. my family lives so far away, i don't see how i would ever have any of them be there..i've thought about going to school in england but, at the same time, i sort of feel like an outsider in my own family. i've never been a real part of any of their lives.
and it's weird to think that far ahead into the future, because by that time, a lot of my family isn't going to be there. it makes me wonder about my own mortality, in a depressing sort of way...
..i think sometimes about what many of them used to be like. when i've seen wedding albums or videos of them on holiday..back then they were entirely different people. mm sometimes i wish i could remember them like that.