Pieces of Her, 20/?
Title: Pieces of Her, 20/?
Author: Kagekamay
Rating: R
Length: 2,236
Spoilers: AU after Special Education
Summary: Contrary to popular belief, Rachel Berry wasn't unbreakable. Now she's broken and the only person who can put her back together is Quinn Fabray. WARNING deals with self harm.
AN: Shorter chapter, but more drama coming in the next one...along with a scene I've been dying to write ;)
Even though the shopping day had ended several hours ago, Quinn had opted to keep Rachel company since she had nothing else she had to do. During that time, Rachel had decided that there was nothing as completely perfect and torturous as curling up into Quinn's side, the blonde playing with strands of her hair as they both watched whatever was playing on the television at that moment.
Rachel squeezed her eyes closed, willing her heart to stop racing and her body temperature to return to somewhere close to normal as Quinn shifted slightly next her.It shouldn't feel this…natural. Again, Rachel had to remind herself that she was the one who wanted to forget about the kiss. She was the one who was too scared about what it could mean for them if they actually talked about it, and yet here she was, almost wishing that Quinn would just lean down and kiss her again.
She was taken out of her thoughts by the sound of the phone ringing insistently. Sighing, in resignation, she gently disentangled herself from Quinn and reached over to grab her cell phone from the coffee table.
"Hello?"
"Hi, Rae, it's Daddy."
She unconsciously gripped her phone tighter, and turned slightly away from Quinn to avoid the questioning looks she was undoubtedly shooting her way, "Oh, hey, Daddy. Is something wrong?"
"No, pumpkin, everything's fine."
His voice sounded too cheerful, too fake, " - I just wanted to check in on you. How are you doing?"
"Fine," she answered neutrally, eyes narrowing as she waited for him to get to the point.
"Ah, well that's good," he laughed, and she could immediately tell it was strained, "I'm sorry we've been gone so much lately. It's just - "
"Work. Yes I'm aware," she cut in, unable to hear him finish the sentence, "and I understand."
"I know you do, and I'm sorry to surprise you like this - "
Rachel braced herself for it, waiting for the worst, " - but Dad got invited to another conference in Columbus last minute, and I was planning on going with him."
"Oh."
Her voice was controlled, completely devoid of emotion. It wasn't like she wasn't used to it, after all. Her daddy was still talking, but Rachel was shutting out his words, wishing like she had so many times before that she didn't care.
"How long?" she asked, stopping her daddy mid sentence.
"Not too long this time. Only about a week, and we'll be leaving tomorrow," he paused for a moment, waiting for her to respond. When she didn't, he sighed heavily into the phone, "I know this is tough on you, honey, but I'll make it up to you when we get back, okay?"
"Okay."
"Great," Rachel could practically see him smiling on the other side of the phone, "I'll talk to you later then. Love you."
Rachel focused on keeping her breath controlled and her face an expressionless mask, as she ended the call. They were leaving again. Her daddy hadn't even sounded that sorry about it.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Quinn asked quietly, sensing that something was wrong.
"No," Rachel said a little too quickly, her blank expression momentarily slipping, "I mean…I'm fine, Quinn," she assured.
Lies. Already her hands had started to shake, and the need for comfort, for distraction, was setting in.
"Are you sure?" the blonde pressed, not completely buying her act.
"Yes!" Rachel flew up from the couch, surprised by just how desperate she sounded. She wanted - no - needed Quinn to stop. She didn't want to talk about it. She just wanted to forget.
Her feet seemed to move of their own accord, and she wasn't surprised at all that she ended up in the bathroom. Frantically, Rachel started looking through the cabinets, searching for the thing that would make it all go away.
"Rachel…"
The diva jumped and slammed the drawer closed, before turning to look at Quinn. The blonde must have followed her, but she had been too focused to hear her. She stood still, warily watching Quinn as she moved forward until she was standing right in front of her.
"That isn't going to help you."
"Yes it will," she insisted, her eyes blurring with tears as Quinn just shook her head.
Quinn took her hands in hers and looked her calmly in the eye, "No, it won't."
A part of her knew Quinn was right. The relief was temporary, and yet she wanted to feel it so badly. She wanted to feel that rush of letting everything that was building inside of her go, to see all the anger and pain leave her as the blood dripped down her wrists.
Angrily, she tore her hands from Quinn's grasp and resumed her frantic search for the razor, no longer caring that Quinn was watching her.
"Rachel!" Again, Quinn grabbed her hands and forced her to stop, "just stop and think for a second, please!"
"You think I haven't tried?" Rachel whispered lowly, struggling against the cheerio's icy grip, "You think I take pleasure from the fact that I have to resort to this whenever it gets to be too much?"
"I wasn't suggesting that," Quinn grunted from the effort of holding onto Rachel, "I just want you to talk to me before you do anything?!"
"Why?" Rachel shouted, "It's not going to make a difference! I'll still end up cutting once we're done. Now let go of me!"
"I can't do that," Quinn's voice was soft, but determined, "not until you promise to talk about this."
"No! Just let me go, Quinn, let me do this," her voice cracked and the fight was leaving her the harder she fought against Quinn, "please," she begged.
Rachel felt her knees give way, and she slumped against Quinn, her small sobs muffled by her shirt. Quinn wrapped her arms around the smaller girl, waiting for her to calm down.
Rachel couldn't help but relax into her, taking comfort in the safety Quinn's arms afforded her.
"Do you want to cut because of what your dad said?" Quinn asked softly, catching Rachel off guard.
She raised her head to look at Quinn with wide eyes, "H-how - "
"I was sitting next to you, Rach. I'm not stupid."
The younger girl sniffed and wiped away some of her tears, "My fathers have decided to leave for another weeklong conference tomorrow, and only informed me of it today."
"Oh, sweetie," Quinn murmured, pulling her close and stroking her hair.
"I just want it to stop hurting," the brunette whimpered, burrowing herself farther into Quinn, "and this is the only way that it will."
"No, it isn't," Quinn disagreed, pulling away from Rachel and looking her in the eye, "there are other ways, Rachel."
"Like what?" the diva asked disbelievingly.
Quinn looked momentarily perplexed, but then her eyes lit up, "Do you know where any rubber bands are?"
"In a drawer in my desk, but I don't see how - "
"Wait here," Quinn ordered, backing out of the bathroom and running before Rachel could finish her sentence.
A minute later she was back, holding a rubber band triumphantly in her hand.
"What am I supposed to do with this?" Rachel wondered aloud, as Quinn slipped it onto her wrist.
"Snap it," Quinn said simply, "I looked up some alternatives to cutting, and this is supposed to help," she elaborated when Rachel looked at her skeptically.
Rachel shrugged, pulling back on the band and letting it go, wincing slightly at the sharp pain. The dull ache in her chest eased slightly, but the pain was already receding.
"It's not enough," she confessed, trying to not feel so guilty as Quinn's face fell.
"There are other things you can do," Quinn babbled on, and the diva could tell she was starting to get desperate, "like squeezing ice, or drawing lines on your arms with red markers - "
"Quinn," the blonde stopped talking, shoulders sagging, "you're not going to stop cutting, are you."
Rachel hesitated for a moment before shaking her head, "It's not something I can stop overnight, no matter how badly I want to sometimes," she sighed, handing the rubber band back to Quinn.
"Keep it," the cheerio said, slipping it back onto her wrist, "Just try snapping it before you cut. Even if it only makes a little bit of a difference, I'd rather that than nothing at all."
Rachel nodded, trying to not look Quinn in the eye, "I just don't want to feel so alone all the time," she confessed, hating how weak she sounded.
"Well maybe there's something I can do about that," Quinn replied hesitantly.
"W-what?" Heart constricting in her chest, Rachel looked up at Quinn, wondering what she was talking about.
The blonde's eyes were shining with sincerity and something else that made her feel secure.
"Stay with me," Quinn breathed, stepping forward and reaching for Rachel's hands, "I mean it. I don't want you staying here by yourself, and there's a spare bedroom at home you can use."
Rachel was actually considering it, but then she shook her head, "No, I would hate to intrude - "
"It's not an intrusion if I'm inviting you," Quinn interrupted, wrapping an arm around Rachel and guiding her out of the bathroom and up the stairs, "Actually, it's not like you have a choice," she teased.
Twenty minutes later, and the pair of them had managed to pack all the clothes that Rachel would need for the week in two small duffel bags. Quinn was lugging them out the door to load them into her car, but Rachel had stayed behind to make sure she hadn't forgotten anything. She was about to follow Quinn, when it caught her eye. The razor was staring innocently at her from the bathroom sink. Rachel looked around quickly to make sure she was alone, before moving towards it. She picked up the shiny metal and held it in her hand, turning it over. The urge had died down considerably, but that didn't mean she still didn't want to do it.
"So you got everything?" Quinn asked as Rachel closed the car door and started buckling her seat belt.
"Yes," Rachel smiled brightly, trying to ignore the small object in her pocket that suddenly seemed to weigh a ton. She really was weak.
-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-
Judy didn't mind Rachel staying over at all. In fact, she seemed excited by the prospect, bustling around and helping the diva unpack and get her room straightened out.
" - and if there's anything at all that you need, don't hesitate to let me know," she insisted, putting a comforting hand on Rachel's shoulder and smiling at her.
"Thank you, Mrs. Fabray," the diva replied, smiling a little at the woman's enthusiasm.
Judy started, "Oh my goodness, you must be starving! I'll start cooking dinner," she hurried from the room, and Quinn couldn't help rolling her eyes at her mom's behavior.
"Sorry, she's just happy that I have a friend over," she explained, before moving to the door and shouting down the hall, "No meat, mom! Rachel's vegan!"
Quinn turned back to look at Rachel who was holding back a giggle, "I like her."
Dinner wasn't as awkward as Quinn would have thought it would be. Rachel seemed genuinely happy, and didn't mind answering all of Judy's questions. It was the most that she had talked in a while, but the blonde couldn't help but notice she avoided talking about her dads and her singing. Sure, they talked about glee, but Rachel only talked about the songs they were doing, and praised everyone else's contributions to the team.
Even then, Rachel didn't talk that much about it. Broadway wasn't mentioned once. It saddened Quinn, seeing this slight change, and she couldn't help but reach for Rachel's hand under the table. Rachel jumped a little, and her eyes darted to Quinn, questions dancing in her eyes, but the blonde simply smiled at her plate, squeezed the diva's hand lightly, and continued to eat.
Author: Kagekamay
Rating: R
Length: 2,236
Spoilers: AU after Special Education
Summary: Contrary to popular belief, Rachel Berry wasn't unbreakable. Now she's broken and the only person who can put her back together is Quinn Fabray. WARNING deals with self harm.
AN: Shorter chapter, but more drama coming in the next one...along with a scene I've been dying to write ;)
Even though the shopping day had ended several hours ago, Quinn had opted to keep Rachel company since she had nothing else she had to do. During that time, Rachel had decided that there was nothing as completely perfect and torturous as curling up into Quinn's side, the blonde playing with strands of her hair as they both watched whatever was playing on the television at that moment.
Rachel squeezed her eyes closed, willing her heart to stop racing and her body temperature to return to somewhere close to normal as Quinn shifted slightly next her.It shouldn't feel this…natural. Again, Rachel had to remind herself that she was the one who wanted to forget about the kiss. She was the one who was too scared about what it could mean for them if they actually talked about it, and yet here she was, almost wishing that Quinn would just lean down and kiss her again.
She was taken out of her thoughts by the sound of the phone ringing insistently. Sighing, in resignation, she gently disentangled herself from Quinn and reached over to grab her cell phone from the coffee table.
"Hello?"
"Hi, Rae, it's Daddy."
She unconsciously gripped her phone tighter, and turned slightly away from Quinn to avoid the questioning looks she was undoubtedly shooting her way, "Oh, hey, Daddy. Is something wrong?"
"No, pumpkin, everything's fine."
His voice sounded too cheerful, too fake, " - I just wanted to check in on you. How are you doing?"
"Fine," she answered neutrally, eyes narrowing as she waited for him to get to the point.
"Ah, well that's good," he laughed, and she could immediately tell it was strained, "I'm sorry we've been gone so much lately. It's just - "
"Work. Yes I'm aware," she cut in, unable to hear him finish the sentence, "and I understand."
"I know you do, and I'm sorry to surprise you like this - "
Rachel braced herself for it, waiting for the worst, " - but Dad got invited to another conference in Columbus last minute, and I was planning on going with him."
"Oh."
Her voice was controlled, completely devoid of emotion. It wasn't like she wasn't used to it, after all. Her daddy was still talking, but Rachel was shutting out his words, wishing like she had so many times before that she didn't care.
"How long?" she asked, stopping her daddy mid sentence.
"Not too long this time. Only about a week, and we'll be leaving tomorrow," he paused for a moment, waiting for her to respond. When she didn't, he sighed heavily into the phone, "I know this is tough on you, honey, but I'll make it up to you when we get back, okay?"
"Okay."
"Great," Rachel could practically see him smiling on the other side of the phone, "I'll talk to you later then. Love you."
Rachel focused on keeping her breath controlled and her face an expressionless mask, as she ended the call. They were leaving again. Her daddy hadn't even sounded that sorry about it.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Quinn asked quietly, sensing that something was wrong.
"No," Rachel said a little too quickly, her blank expression momentarily slipping, "I mean…I'm fine, Quinn," she assured.
Lies. Already her hands had started to shake, and the need for comfort, for distraction, was setting in.
"Are you sure?" the blonde pressed, not completely buying her act.
"Yes!" Rachel flew up from the couch, surprised by just how desperate she sounded. She wanted - no - needed Quinn to stop. She didn't want to talk about it. She just wanted to forget.
Her feet seemed to move of their own accord, and she wasn't surprised at all that she ended up in the bathroom. Frantically, Rachel started looking through the cabinets, searching for the thing that would make it all go away.
"Rachel…"
The diva jumped and slammed the drawer closed, before turning to look at Quinn. The blonde must have followed her, but she had been too focused to hear her. She stood still, warily watching Quinn as she moved forward until she was standing right in front of her.
"That isn't going to help you."
"Yes it will," she insisted, her eyes blurring with tears as Quinn just shook her head.
Quinn took her hands in hers and looked her calmly in the eye, "No, it won't."
A part of her knew Quinn was right. The relief was temporary, and yet she wanted to feel it so badly. She wanted to feel that rush of letting everything that was building inside of her go, to see all the anger and pain leave her as the blood dripped down her wrists.
Angrily, she tore her hands from Quinn's grasp and resumed her frantic search for the razor, no longer caring that Quinn was watching her.
"Rachel!" Again, Quinn grabbed her hands and forced her to stop, "just stop and think for a second, please!"
"You think I haven't tried?" Rachel whispered lowly, struggling against the cheerio's icy grip, "You think I take pleasure from the fact that I have to resort to this whenever it gets to be too much?"
"I wasn't suggesting that," Quinn grunted from the effort of holding onto Rachel, "I just want you to talk to me before you do anything?!"
"Why?" Rachel shouted, "It's not going to make a difference! I'll still end up cutting once we're done. Now let go of me!"
"I can't do that," Quinn's voice was soft, but determined, "not until you promise to talk about this."
"No! Just let me go, Quinn, let me do this," her voice cracked and the fight was leaving her the harder she fought against Quinn, "please," she begged.
Rachel felt her knees give way, and she slumped against Quinn, her small sobs muffled by her shirt. Quinn wrapped her arms around the smaller girl, waiting for her to calm down.
Rachel couldn't help but relax into her, taking comfort in the safety Quinn's arms afforded her.
"Do you want to cut because of what your dad said?" Quinn asked softly, catching Rachel off guard.
She raised her head to look at Quinn with wide eyes, "H-how - "
"I was sitting next to you, Rach. I'm not stupid."
The younger girl sniffed and wiped away some of her tears, "My fathers have decided to leave for another weeklong conference tomorrow, and only informed me of it today."
"Oh, sweetie," Quinn murmured, pulling her close and stroking her hair.
"I just want it to stop hurting," the brunette whimpered, burrowing herself farther into Quinn, "and this is the only way that it will."
"No, it isn't," Quinn disagreed, pulling away from Rachel and looking her in the eye, "there are other ways, Rachel."
"Like what?" the diva asked disbelievingly.
Quinn looked momentarily perplexed, but then her eyes lit up, "Do you know where any rubber bands are?"
"In a drawer in my desk, but I don't see how - "
"Wait here," Quinn ordered, backing out of the bathroom and running before Rachel could finish her sentence.
A minute later she was back, holding a rubber band triumphantly in her hand.
"What am I supposed to do with this?" Rachel wondered aloud, as Quinn slipped it onto her wrist.
"Snap it," Quinn said simply, "I looked up some alternatives to cutting, and this is supposed to help," she elaborated when Rachel looked at her skeptically.
Rachel shrugged, pulling back on the band and letting it go, wincing slightly at the sharp pain. The dull ache in her chest eased slightly, but the pain was already receding.
"It's not enough," she confessed, trying to not feel so guilty as Quinn's face fell.
"There are other things you can do," Quinn babbled on, and the diva could tell she was starting to get desperate, "like squeezing ice, or drawing lines on your arms with red markers - "
"Quinn," the blonde stopped talking, shoulders sagging, "you're not going to stop cutting, are you."
Rachel hesitated for a moment before shaking her head, "It's not something I can stop overnight, no matter how badly I want to sometimes," she sighed, handing the rubber band back to Quinn.
"Keep it," the cheerio said, slipping it back onto her wrist, "Just try snapping it before you cut. Even if it only makes a little bit of a difference, I'd rather that than nothing at all."
Rachel nodded, trying to not look Quinn in the eye, "I just don't want to feel so alone all the time," she confessed, hating how weak she sounded.
"Well maybe there's something I can do about that," Quinn replied hesitantly.
"W-what?" Heart constricting in her chest, Rachel looked up at Quinn, wondering what she was talking about.
The blonde's eyes were shining with sincerity and something else that made her feel secure.
"Stay with me," Quinn breathed, stepping forward and reaching for Rachel's hands, "I mean it. I don't want you staying here by yourself, and there's a spare bedroom at home you can use."
Rachel was actually considering it, but then she shook her head, "No, I would hate to intrude - "
"It's not an intrusion if I'm inviting you," Quinn interrupted, wrapping an arm around Rachel and guiding her out of the bathroom and up the stairs, "Actually, it's not like you have a choice," she teased.
Twenty minutes later, and the pair of them had managed to pack all the clothes that Rachel would need for the week in two small duffel bags. Quinn was lugging them out the door to load them into her car, but Rachel had stayed behind to make sure she hadn't forgotten anything. She was about to follow Quinn, when it caught her eye. The razor was staring innocently at her from the bathroom sink. Rachel looked around quickly to make sure she was alone, before moving towards it. She picked up the shiny metal and held it in her hand, turning it over. The urge had died down considerably, but that didn't mean she still didn't want to do it.
"So you got everything?" Quinn asked as Rachel closed the car door and started buckling her seat belt.
"Yes," Rachel smiled brightly, trying to ignore the small object in her pocket that suddenly seemed to weigh a ton. She really was weak.
-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-
Judy didn't mind Rachel staying over at all. In fact, she seemed excited by the prospect, bustling around and helping the diva unpack and get her room straightened out.
" - and if there's anything at all that you need, don't hesitate to let me know," she insisted, putting a comforting hand on Rachel's shoulder and smiling at her.
"Thank you, Mrs. Fabray," the diva replied, smiling a little at the woman's enthusiasm.
Judy started, "Oh my goodness, you must be starving! I'll start cooking dinner," she hurried from the room, and Quinn couldn't help rolling her eyes at her mom's behavior.
"Sorry, she's just happy that I have a friend over," she explained, before moving to the door and shouting down the hall, "No meat, mom! Rachel's vegan!"
Quinn turned back to look at Rachel who was holding back a giggle, "I like her."
Dinner wasn't as awkward as Quinn would have thought it would be. Rachel seemed genuinely happy, and didn't mind answering all of Judy's questions. It was the most that she had talked in a while, but the blonde couldn't help but notice she avoided talking about her dads and her singing. Sure, they talked about glee, but Rachel only talked about the songs they were doing, and praised everyone else's contributions to the team.
Even then, Rachel didn't talk that much about it. Broadway wasn't mentioned once. It saddened Quinn, seeing this slight change, and she couldn't help but reach for Rachel's hand under the table. Rachel jumped a little, and her eyes darted to Quinn, questions dancing in her eyes, but the blonde simply smiled at her plate, squeezed the diva's hand lightly, and continued to eat.