Jul 25, 2009 09:01
The anger and antagonism I feel towards Nathaniel seems to be ebbing away. Of course I am still feeling the lingering effects of losing him as a lover and a romantic partner but ultimately, he was unhappy in the relationship as it stood and I didn't want him to feel trapped and stifled. He deserves to be with someone who can make him feel good in all possible ways. I could not. This isn't totally as a result of personal failings on my behalf but there certainly were a few. I am loathe to admit them but as part of recovering from this breakup, I need to do it. I guess the biggest failings were not disclosing my disability to him as soon as I should have and forcing him to come visit me as a closeted person. It was unfair for me to expect him to come into my house as merely a friend when we both knew he was so much more. If I am unable to be out, I guess I should refrain from relationships. T
he process of coming out fills me with dread to be honest. I don't feel it is fair to pile my sexuality on top of my disability for my parents. They don't need to blame themselves any more. On the other hand, I have even less hope of love and closeness in my life if I don't come out. The disability will make it hard enough to find a partner, let alone the closet. I feel trapped right now with no hope of independence. *sigh* I had placed so many of my dreams on being with Nathaniel and that was a mistake, given the obstacles (distance, age gap, two different countries). I still feel a deep love for him but I will have to get on with making some sort of life for myself.