Rocks and Hard Places

Jul 25, 2009 09:01

The anger and antagonism I feel towards Nathaniel seems to be ebbing away.  Of course I am still feeling the lingering effects of losing him as a lover and a romantic partner but ultimately, he was unhappy in the relationship as it stood and I didn't want him to feel trapped and stifled.  He deserves to be with someone who can make him feel good in all possible ways.  I could not.   This isn't totally as a result of personal failings on my behalf but there certainly were a few.  I am loathe to admit them but  as part of recovering from this breakup, I need to do it.  I guess the biggest failings were not disclosing my disability to him as soon as I should have and forcing him to come visit me as a closeted person.  It was unfair for me to expect him to come into my house as merely a friend when we both knew he was so much more.  If I am unable to be out, I guess I should refrain from relationships.  T

he process of coming out fills me with dread to be honest.  I don't feel it is fair to pile my sexuality on top of my disability for my parents. They don't need to blame themselves any more.  On the other hand, I have even less hope of love and closeness in my life if I don't come out.  The disability will make it hard enough to find a partner, let alone the closet.  I feel trapped right now with no hope of independence.  *sigh*  I had placed so many of my dreams on being with Nathaniel and that was a mistake, given the obstacles (distance, age gap, two different countries).  I still feel a deep love for him but I will have to get on with making some sort of life for myself.
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