In Limbo
I have decided to move back to the North of the country, into the area where I have been born and raised, the region where I really feel at home. But this step is a step into the Unknown. With this decision, I am entirely dependent on faith and gut feeling because from a purely rational point of view, it is utter madness, even frighteningly so:
I don't know yet how I will be able to support myself and Desiree and the two cats up there.
I don't know yet where I will live.
I don't have the money yet to pay for the move.
I don't have the money yet to pay for the training in Baby Sign Language which I am going to do in April.
But I know that everything about this decision is right. I cannot stay in Germersheim any longer. It's neither good for me nor for Desiree. This town has allowed me to calm down and settle down after the frantic years in Amsterdam, to grow roots and to find my center. But with the settling-down came complacency, came boredom and laziness and consumerism. I am a much different person from the one I have been in Amsterdam and I don't really like that person. I need a change of scenery for me to be able to become who I am supposed to be, finally. This is important not only for me but for Desiree, too. She deserves to have a mother who is brimming with life, creativity, compassion and social competence. That's who I want to become. Germersheim is not the place where I want to invest this kind of energy, nor take this kind of responsibility for the community I live in. Honestly, I could not care less.
So, when I say that moving is stepping into the unknown, that is not completely true. I know a lot of things about this move, only: those are "soft factors". The hard factors, as mentioned above, will have to be filled in over the coming months. But nevertheless, even without those corner stones, I have set the period for the move around the middle of July. The rest will have to arrange accordingly! Meaning: the new appartment will have to be available in exactly that kind of time frame. Funny enough, I feel pretty at ease about this wild card life style, at least most of the times. It's like walking a tightrope: if you are able to do it, you need to trust your skill, if you think about what could go wrong, you will instantly start to wobble and possibly even fall off.
That is one of the reasons why I don't talk with my parents about these plans, because they will hammer on the hard factors and will demand that I start to think. But I need to trust that everything will go exactly as I planned and that there will be a solution for every occuring problem. So far, this frame of mind has brought me not only to where and who I am today, it has brought me Desiree and what greater joy could there be!
Trust.
Walking the tightrope.
Stepping into the Unknown.
These are themes that were actualised already way back during my dance study in Amsterdam. I can still hear Katie Duck telling me to "trust the not-knowing". No second-guessing. It's a life lesson that I am still working on. Some things take time. But I am doing it right now and it feels very empowering. "Selbstmächtigkeit", that word lingers constantly in the back of my mind these days.
And solutions are presenting themselves. Especially moneywise. Yesterday, my Dutch pupil Rita Schwab sent an e-mail asking whether we could resume our lessons any time soon. Money! And the other Dutch pupil, Sylvana Bauer, who has become a mother herself lately, wants me to take care of her daughter two days a week while she is going back to her job. Money again!
These are the kind of things that you cannot "make happen" or plan, they have to fall into your lap. And being able to live in the trust that they will happen - that's the hard part. But also the exciting part. And at the far, far end of the things I plan on having happening to me, is meeting the man who will be a partner for me and a dad for Desiree. Some time in the not too distant future. And that's really exciting!!!
I don't know yet how I will be able to support myself and Desiree and the two cats up there.
I don't know yet where I will live.
I don't have the money yet to pay for the move.
I don't have the money yet to pay for the training in Baby Sign Language which I am going to do in April.
But I know that everything about this decision is right. I cannot stay in Germersheim any longer. It's neither good for me nor for Desiree. This town has allowed me to calm down and settle down after the frantic years in Amsterdam, to grow roots and to find my center. But with the settling-down came complacency, came boredom and laziness and consumerism. I am a much different person from the one I have been in Amsterdam and I don't really like that person. I need a change of scenery for me to be able to become who I am supposed to be, finally. This is important not only for me but for Desiree, too. She deserves to have a mother who is brimming with life, creativity, compassion and social competence. That's who I want to become. Germersheim is not the place where I want to invest this kind of energy, nor take this kind of responsibility for the community I live in. Honestly, I could not care less.
So, when I say that moving is stepping into the unknown, that is not completely true. I know a lot of things about this move, only: those are "soft factors". The hard factors, as mentioned above, will have to be filled in over the coming months. But nevertheless, even without those corner stones, I have set the period for the move around the middle of July. The rest will have to arrange accordingly! Meaning: the new appartment will have to be available in exactly that kind of time frame. Funny enough, I feel pretty at ease about this wild card life style, at least most of the times. It's like walking a tightrope: if you are able to do it, you need to trust your skill, if you think about what could go wrong, you will instantly start to wobble and possibly even fall off.
That is one of the reasons why I don't talk with my parents about these plans, because they will hammer on the hard factors and will demand that I start to think. But I need to trust that everything will go exactly as I planned and that there will be a solution for every occuring problem. So far, this frame of mind has brought me not only to where and who I am today, it has brought me Desiree and what greater joy could there be!
Trust.
Walking the tightrope.
Stepping into the Unknown.
These are themes that were actualised already way back during my dance study in Amsterdam. I can still hear Katie Duck telling me to "trust the not-knowing". No second-guessing. It's a life lesson that I am still working on. Some things take time. But I am doing it right now and it feels very empowering. "Selbstmächtigkeit", that word lingers constantly in the back of my mind these days.
And solutions are presenting themselves. Especially moneywise. Yesterday, my Dutch pupil Rita Schwab sent an e-mail asking whether we could resume our lessons any time soon. Money! And the other Dutch pupil, Sylvana Bauer, who has become a mother herself lately, wants me to take care of her daughter two days a week while she is going back to her job. Money again!
These are the kind of things that you cannot "make happen" or plan, they have to fall into your lap. And being able to live in the trust that they will happen - that's the hard part. But also the exciting part. And at the far, far end of the things I plan on having happening to me, is meeting the man who will be a partner for me and a dad for Desiree. Some time in the not too distant future. And that's really exciting!!!