I hate it.
this has been the worst week of my life.
my last post refers to one part of a fucked up week, and now this will add to it.
last night while i was on my way to volleyball i got a call on my cell from my mom. i figured it was about me not making my bed, or my room being messy. not so. she told me that my closest cousin has got ovarian cancer and has 4 to 6 months to live. she's 17 going on 18 on april 4th. 4 months puts her at graduation time. she may not live to graduate.
ovarian cancer runs in our family. my grandmother had a hysterectomy to remove all the cancerous cells. my aunt is still battling it, she's been doing so for over 8 years. at the moment, i've got symptoms that are specific to ovarian cancer. i went to the doctor last week and should be getting my results in a weeks time.
i don't want to die. i don't want my cousin to die. i've often thought of what it would be like to die, and what goes on in the after life, or if there is one. well here goes. i'm not an intellectual, so i'm not going to make this sound extremely smart, like alex, or nesa. i'm just me. this part of this entry is going to be scattered, because at the moment, that is how my brain is.
i don't know if there is a God. my mother was raised christian and believes that is a higher power, of which some people call "god". i don't know everything there is to know about the bible, in fact, i know virtually nothing of the bible, but i've got the general idea. if god is supposed to be all merciful, and loves us all, then how can he do this? how does he create a disease that is now the second highest killer in north america? how can he create something like aids and hiv? if he truly loves us, why does he give newborns aids? what about africa? or all those other third world countries that have over 1000 people dieing each day because of starvation. why in fucks name would a divine being punish those people with shit ass land that can't produce its own food, at least not enough to support its own fucking country?
you know what, people are fucking selfish assholes. canada, the usa, britain, everyone, sits on their fucking high horses looking down at those countries for not having enough food and having fucked up health, ect. you know what we do? we send rice to eat, but we send the cheapest type of rice there. and the seeds we send? well, number one, these third world countries don't have the climate to grow most types of seeds we send, and the ones we do send, are again, of the cheapest quality, just so we, as a nation, aren't losing any money. i thought it said somewhere in the bible that we are all brothers and sisters? if we are, then why do we treat these countries with such disrespect.
but thats getting off topic. basically, what i want to say is that if there is a God, i don't think he loves us. true, he (i refer to God as he because its easier) may be trying to teach us a lesson, but by giving a newborn baby leukemia or aids is not teaching a lesson, it teaches resentment. thats what its taught me. i resent myself, i resent everything thats happening to dana.
and i resent God.
no, i hate God.
my last post refers to one part of a fucked up week, and now this will add to it.
last night while i was on my way to volleyball i got a call on my cell from my mom. i figured it was about me not making my bed, or my room being messy. not so. she told me that my closest cousin has got ovarian cancer and has 4 to 6 months to live. she's 17 going on 18 on april 4th. 4 months puts her at graduation time. she may not live to graduate.
ovarian cancer runs in our family. my grandmother had a hysterectomy to remove all the cancerous cells. my aunt is still battling it, she's been doing so for over 8 years. at the moment, i've got symptoms that are specific to ovarian cancer. i went to the doctor last week and should be getting my results in a weeks time.
i don't want to die. i don't want my cousin to die. i've often thought of what it would be like to die, and what goes on in the after life, or if there is one. well here goes. i'm not an intellectual, so i'm not going to make this sound extremely smart, like alex, or nesa. i'm just me. this part of this entry is going to be scattered, because at the moment, that is how my brain is.
i don't know if there is a God. my mother was raised christian and believes that is a higher power, of which some people call "god". i don't know everything there is to know about the bible, in fact, i know virtually nothing of the bible, but i've got the general idea. if god is supposed to be all merciful, and loves us all, then how can he do this? how does he create a disease that is now the second highest killer in north america? how can he create something like aids and hiv? if he truly loves us, why does he give newborns aids? what about africa? or all those other third world countries that have over 1000 people dieing each day because of starvation. why in fucks name would a divine being punish those people with shit ass land that can't produce its own food, at least not enough to support its own fucking country?
you know what, people are fucking selfish assholes. canada, the usa, britain, everyone, sits on their fucking high horses looking down at those countries for not having enough food and having fucked up health, ect. you know what we do? we send rice to eat, but we send the cheapest type of rice there. and the seeds we send? well, number one, these third world countries don't have the climate to grow most types of seeds we send, and the ones we do send, are again, of the cheapest quality, just so we, as a nation, aren't losing any money. i thought it said somewhere in the bible that we are all brothers and sisters? if we are, then why do we treat these countries with such disrespect.
but thats getting off topic. basically, what i want to say is that if there is a God, i don't think he loves us. true, he (i refer to God as he because its easier) may be trying to teach us a lesson, but by giving a newborn baby leukemia or aids is not teaching a lesson, it teaches resentment. thats what its taught me. i resent myself, i resent everything thats happening to dana.
and i resent God.
no, i hate God.