recent revelations on life and other things
i've been thinking a lot...
There have been so many things going through my head lately, and I don't even know where to begin with everything. I suppose the best/worst place to start is with relationships.
This entire time i've been searching and hunting for someone to "complete me" or just to help fill what i felt all along had been an empty void, when in actuality it only seemed that way because of everything and everyone that i had merely looked past and thrown away. At first I guess i thought that it was funny when Martini would joke around with me and question "So who's the new flavor?", but after a while i realized that joke gets old and the reason it does it b/c it isn't funny. So it made me question myself "why do you have the need to want to be with someone?". And i suppose that is a feeling felt by many or all, but I just don't see the meaning behind it all. All of my relationships after the big one weren't wastes of time, but I feel like i cheated those people i dated out of time they could have well spent with someone else.
Secondly: my fear. Believe it or not, I have a few fears, and they aren't very happy. But my biggest fear is of death. I don't understand it, but it's there. And it has been for as long as I can remember. I was soooo scared of it when i was little that I would just cry myself to sleep everynight b/c of that irrational fear that I would somehow just die in my sleep. And although I got older, eventually started going to church and heard myself say for the first time "there's nothing to be afraid of because after death, there is Heaven". But even then, I didn't believe the words I spoke. To this day I start to feel nauseated when I think of death and what it will bring. I cry when I think of my friends and family members passing on and even more so when i think of my own death. I have never fully understood it, but it's always been there. And somehow i know that it links to the fear of not being able to do everything i want or to fulfill my ambitions, and also to the fear of being alone. But i've decided that sometimes being alone helps you to fulfill ambitions. But at the same time, somehow i keep feeling that some ambitions are too high for me to reach and i just might need a boost.
Love: I can't put into comprehendible words what exactly it is. All i know is that I had it and I want it back. There's a fear in the back of my mind that this could be it. You could be the one and I just may never know. It's like a paradox. My life has turned into one jumbled mess of questions with multiple-choice answers and no answer key provided. I never know what to do. I think i worry too much. All i know is that we had love and when we were together i kept thinking how i could be missing out on something that was more. So far, i haven't come across anything i couldn't stand to live without. that is, i haven't come across anything other than the thought of us. No matter what, you're always there. And i'm so grateful for that I can't even make sense of it at times. But I keep questioning whether we should be together or if being apart is for the best. It's almost been a year and I still don't know. I don't know that I ever will. All i know is that I want to make us happy. I want to be in love.
School: Everyone's ready and willing to skip this paragraph, so I plan on doing so as well. High school has too much drama and too much emphasis placed on it. None of this will matter in a year and 3 months. I'm not worried enough to have it overrule my life.
Family: So far, so good. Nothing to complain.
Friends: amazing as usual. I love you all. And i'm sorry for being so dumb. Thanks for dealing with me and my crap. I appreciate it.
In general as a closing remark: Life is here and i don't always understand it. But that doesn't make me like it any less. as a matter of fact, i think i like the idea that most people don't have correct answers. I like thinking that this is all just one big game of clue and everyone has their suspect in mind. I like the predictions people make on how life will turn out or even their philosophical two cents, but I like even more remaining with the idea that they're(we're) probably all wrong.
Sometimes I think we're living the greatest lie of all time, together. Sometimes i think it's the only thing that unifies us. And i think i'm okay with that; even if it is all fake. We're all wearing happy faces and party hats for the common good of others. That has to mean something.