The beginning of the end...
Well. Here I am. Naked...yes, the visuals I know. But for some reason my dumbass parents think it's smart to conserve power and open the windows instead of turning on the air conditioner = a fucking sauna upstairs. But anyway, I suppose thats besides the point.
Last night was one of the most unplesant that I have had in a while. It started out pretty promising, but like all things, maybe it was a little too hyped up. Anyway, it ended alright though. Just sitting in the passenger seat of my favorite, sleek, damn good looking white prelude, (lol) makes me feel a little better. When I sit around all day and contemplate shit...it just goes out the window once we start driving. We don't even have to talk about it. I couldn't even compile my thoughts right now and even record them on this damn thing right now. I'm thinking of just starting over again. In every aspect of my life. Nothings working right now. I miss the old days, with my FRIENDS. (Yeah...hard to believe that I actually HAD a life outside of Arnis at one time in my life. And it was actually a damn good life too!!) I miss seeing my girls, and partying with them...and the guys....and everything. I miss having 30 missed calls on my phone when ever I turn it on...and girls night...and camping at Jiss's....going to Laffy every weekend....Trella... "The Six Pack"....actually having time to date outside of Arnis....sleepovers...canoing at Jiss's...Ben and Zach from Nobelsville.....Kyler "Coldplay" Hyatt...going to concerts...being out ALL NIGHT...driving to Steak N' Shake at four in the morning...skinny dipping...Clay Priebe...drinking until we all puked for hours....Pettits with Jelissa....Momma Colleen...the days when I didn't chainsmoke to calm myself down...Corbin with short hair...duster....Kroger parking lot...PK's, beer pong, and 5 joints = CRAZIEST NIGHT OF MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE....Evan Hanna!!...Hose Playground....Tiffany's Mountaineer...Char's pool...skipping school with the girls...milkshakes...cherry thongs...giving Joe Swaney rides home...summer P.E. 02' and 04'...Michael Demeter/JB....egging wabash...."Page's Fall"...Dave Concert...Jeremy..."Jo and Po".....BAKE BAKE BAKE BAKE BAKE BAKE BAKE....
Oh god I have to stop! I've let soooo many people down since starting Arni's. People I;ve been friends with since 1st grade sho don't even call me anymore. Bake..who has been my best friend forever now, refuses to even call me until I quit "letting Arni's suck me in." What good has come out of all of this?!? I'm just a fucking person. I'm no one to fall in love with, or obsess about. No one but Tom has even taken the time to get to know who I really am. I'm thinking that quitting Arnis would be the best solution. I'm not gonna sit around and bitch about the job, becasue it's not hard work and I can def handle that part of it. I just need to distance myself from that place. It's stressing the fuck out of me. I don't think I can handle it anymore. No one will miss me, and there are pleanty of other new girls to take my spot now. I just can't do anything until I find a new job. So I guess I'll continue to paint a GD smile on my face and go on until I can quit.
Last night was one of those nights, like...everything outwardly is smiling and happy, I put on a pretty damn good show for everyone for a while, but inwardly you just feel like shit...like you're choking everything back. It's all a facade I guess. But it's mentally and physically exhausting at the end of the night.
This has been my life lately.
And ya know what...it doesnt matter who #1 was...or who #2 was...does it? It really doesn't matter. My point never got across to either one. I don't understand.
I guess I'm just giving up. I'm over it all. All the drama, all the bullshit. Just saying "Hey, I wanna be with you" is obviously too much to ask...it has to come with all this mysterious, secritive shit. I'm giving up on 1 and 2 if you wanna get fucking technical. Either way, it doesn't matter now I guess.
I wanna get out of Crawfordsville more than I've ever wanted anything else in the world. And never come back. I'm telling myself repeatedly that this is just a tiny portion of my life right now, it's not the defining moment in my life or anything. There's so much more beyond all of this....yup...there is..
------------------------------------------------------------
" We've tried to wash our hands of all of this
We never talk of our laking relationships"
------------------------------------------------------------
****Don't quote me on any of this though...you know me...****
Last night was one of the most unplesant that I have had in a while. It started out pretty promising, but like all things, maybe it was a little too hyped up. Anyway, it ended alright though. Just sitting in the passenger seat of my favorite, sleek, damn good looking white prelude, (lol) makes me feel a little better. When I sit around all day and contemplate shit...it just goes out the window once we start driving. We don't even have to talk about it. I couldn't even compile my thoughts right now and even record them on this damn thing right now. I'm thinking of just starting over again. In every aspect of my life. Nothings working right now. I miss the old days, with my FRIENDS. (Yeah...hard to believe that I actually HAD a life outside of Arnis at one time in my life. And it was actually a damn good life too!!) I miss seeing my girls, and partying with them...and the guys....and everything. I miss having 30 missed calls on my phone when ever I turn it on...and girls night...and camping at Jiss's....going to Laffy every weekend....Trella... "The Six Pack"....actually having time to date outside of Arnis....sleepovers...canoing at Jiss's...Ben and Zach from Nobelsville.....Kyler "Coldplay" Hyatt...going to concerts...being out ALL NIGHT...driving to Steak N' Shake at four in the morning...skinny dipping...Clay Priebe...drinking until we all puked for hours....Pettits with Jelissa....Momma Colleen...the days when I didn't chainsmoke to calm myself down...Corbin with short hair...duster....Kroger parking lot...PK's, beer pong, and 5 joints = CRAZIEST NIGHT OF MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE....Evan Hanna!!...Hose Playground....Tiffany's Mountaineer...Char's pool...skipping school with the girls...milkshakes...cherry thongs...giving Joe Swaney rides home...summer P.E. 02' and 04'...Michael Demeter/JB....egging wabash...."Page's Fall"...Dave Concert...Jeremy..."Jo and Po".....BAKE BAKE BAKE BAKE BAKE BAKE BAKE....
Oh god I have to stop! I've let soooo many people down since starting Arni's. People I;ve been friends with since 1st grade sho don't even call me anymore. Bake..who has been my best friend forever now, refuses to even call me until I quit "letting Arni's suck me in." What good has come out of all of this?!? I'm just a fucking person. I'm no one to fall in love with, or obsess about. No one but Tom has even taken the time to get to know who I really am. I'm thinking that quitting Arnis would be the best solution. I'm not gonna sit around and bitch about the job, becasue it's not hard work and I can def handle that part of it. I just need to distance myself from that place. It's stressing the fuck out of me. I don't think I can handle it anymore. No one will miss me, and there are pleanty of other new girls to take my spot now. I just can't do anything until I find a new job. So I guess I'll continue to paint a GD smile on my face and go on until I can quit.
Last night was one of those nights, like...everything outwardly is smiling and happy, I put on a pretty damn good show for everyone for a while, but inwardly you just feel like shit...like you're choking everything back. It's all a facade I guess. But it's mentally and physically exhausting at the end of the night.
This has been my life lately.
And ya know what...it doesnt matter who #1 was...or who #2 was...does it? It really doesn't matter. My point never got across to either one. I don't understand.
I guess I'm just giving up. I'm over it all. All the drama, all the bullshit. Just saying "Hey, I wanna be with you" is obviously too much to ask...it has to come with all this mysterious, secritive shit. I'm giving up on 1 and 2 if you wanna get fucking technical. Either way, it doesn't matter now I guess.
I wanna get out of Crawfordsville more than I've ever wanted anything else in the world. And never come back. I'm telling myself repeatedly that this is just a tiny portion of my life right now, it's not the defining moment in my life or anything. There's so much more beyond all of this....yup...there is..
------------------------------------------------------------
" We've tried to wash our hands of all of this
We never talk of our laking relationships"
------------------------------------------------------------
****Don't quote me on any of this though...you know me...****