Snip, Trim, CUT
I should be very blessed to have never really worried about money before, well, never like this. I always worried, product of watching my parents deal with bankruptcy, my mother's inability to balance a checkbook, my own teenage contributions to the electric bill to keep the lights on. It all plays in to my adult attitudes toward money. There were weeks where I had to do yogurt for breakfast and Ramen for lunch, but usually for short periods and I could dig out in a paycheck or two. For most of my life from college on, I've been supporting myself carefully and successfully. I took pride in it and felt accomplished. Then work began to dry up and belts were tightened until they snapped, and it still isn't enough. This translates to failure for me.
We shouldn't have had a cookout. That was dumb. I rationalized it as pot luck which it was, and people were awesome, but we still spent lots we didn't have. Oops. And now it seems every time I go out for one thing, I spend $30. That must be what the Whole 30 really stands for--need one ingredient? Go and spend $30! $30 at Target for Foodsaver bags so I can cook food sous vide without butter and other forbidden items. $30 at Aldi for some more fruit and veggies, going through though so fast.
The hardest budget cut has been for gifts. I love gift shopping! But this month alone we've had 6 kid birthday parties. I am having to be super frugal and I hate it. I love shopping for gifts and want to delight kids. Yesterday I found a couple add-on gifts for the next round and was so tempted but in the end put them back. Right now, I am noticing every cent. I have to. I haven't had a paycheck since February. So when the ticket machine at the garage was broken, and so I had to wait in line, and when I finally got to the dude he was like, "Oh, you went over by 1 minute! $2!" I was tired and late, so I just paid it, but back in the car I was nearly in tears. If the damn machine was working, no line, I would have saved the $2! I could use $2! Damn it. I remember when I could just let it be $2.
Money has gotten more emotional, and I hate that.