Title: Remembrance
Pairing(s)/Characters: KyuSung
Rating: PG-13
Genre: highschool!AU, angst, friendship, romance
Warning(s): character death
Disclaimer: Owns the fic, nothing else.
Summary: It was denial that urged Kyuhyun to talk to his senior, Jongwoon. It was regret that remained in the end.
A/N: So what the hell am I doing, writing an angsty fic for Yesung's birthday? I just couldn't help it. For some reason, I wanted to write Kyuhyun crying. ;A; /bricked But y'all know how crappy I am. xD So, uh... super belated Happy Birthday to Jongwoon! <3 Enjoy reading~
Blue ink scribbled on fresh paper, pen held in a loose grip and ever so swaying slowly, leisurely. The words written were honest, candid and were all thought about out of the blue, while looking out the window during lunch break, one rainy day.
I want to be the first and last person you see. The person of whose memories will be etched in your own, everyday. Of whose warmth will be the last to touch you; of whose voice will be the first to reach you; of whose existence will forever remain within your entirety. I want to be that person. Someday, maybe. I hope.
“Hello, Council President!”
“What are you up to today?”
“Do you need anything? Help, maybe?”
The blue pen stopped, along with the random thoughts and insignificant actions. Crumpling the tiny note and pocketing it, pushing back his chair gently, he made his way to the corridor where his classmates gathered around a particular boy. The noise was too irritating.
“Not really help but I want your cooperation,” he heard the council president say with his ever husky voice. “I’m here to collect your pictures.”
The other students gasped, some laughed and several from the crowd kept their mouths shut, including him.
“No, I’m not collecting your pictures so that I could post them on the internet and sell you off,” the boy joked. “They’re for an important purpose though it’s a rather confidential matter. Or do you guys mind that I’m doing this?”
“Of course not!” one of the girls shouted. “We’ll cooperate with you, President.”
And with that said, the students sang and flocked closer to their school’s leader. He didn’t join though. He walked down the hall and ignored the annoying cheers.
~*~
A month ago, Kim Jongwoon was the student council president. His abandonment of his position one day surely surprised the whole student body. The most curious of the matter was a certain student named Cho Kyuhyun. He wasn’t the least bit affected of Jongwoon - nicknamed Golden Boy of the school - and his sudden leaving from the council. He was simply that - curious, as to why Golden Boy gave up his authority. Kyuhyun was Jongwoon’s junior by a year and both boys weren’t what people usually call ‘friends’ if anything. They had never had a conversation before but on that cloudy Thursday, Kyuhyun didn’t expect to have their first ever.
Jongwoon slid open the door to Kyuhyun’s classroom. It was during their break again and Jongwoon had the exact same reason as a few weeks ago, just to visit the underclassmen.
“Jongwoon oppa!” the girls squealed happily upon seeing their Golden Boy enter the room.
“Hey there. So-“
Without even finishing his sentence, the girls had raced each other to shove their pictures in Jongwoon’s hands. When they were done and had calmed down from their excitement, Jongwoon walked toward the group of boys in the opposite side of the classroom. Kyuhyun watched them talk and laugh, later glimpsing square and rectangular photos being passed to the former council president. Jongwoon moved about in the room, collecting everyone’s pictures with a smile. He approached Kyuhyun for the last photo.
“Kyuhyun-sshi?”
Kyuhyun looked away from the darkening clouds outside the window and stared up at Jongwoon passively.
“Did you bring your picture to-“
“You’ve been asking for our pictures since that day, a few weeks back. You’ve been coming to our classroom during every break for every day, asking students for their pictures without fail,” Kyuhyun said with conviction. “Why is it that you’re in such a hurry to get those pictures? I’m curious.”
Jongwoon blinked idly for a minute. Without uttering a reply, he smiled at Kyuhyun before leaving the room on time after the bell rang. Kyuhyun’s attention stayed at Jongwoon’s retreating back until the door closed then he returned to observe the sky. It began to rain.
~*~
For once, Jongwoon didn’t show up during their morning break. Kyuhyun had gotten used to the squeals and shouts of girls whenever it was time for recess, exactly three minutes after the bell rings and on cue, the door would screech open and the girls would all stampede toward the visitor. But not that day, as only the sounds of deep sighing and monotonous murmurs rang in Kyuhyun’s ears. He sighed too, in relief though. Silence never felt so rewarding before.
For a split second, Kyuhyun remembered his confrontation with Jongwoon a few days back. He felt heavy then, like something was pulling down at his chest.
“Hey, Cho,” one of the boys said now as he sat on Kyuhyun’s desk.
“Yeah?”
“Sonsaengnim wants you to get the materials for the next class.”
Kyuhyun groaned. “Seriously?”
The boy nodded. “Want some help?”
“No. It’s fine. Thanks anyway,” Kyuhyun muttered, smiling at his classmate before leaving the room with a huff.
It wasn’t like Kyuhyun hated being told what to do. Perhaps, sometimes, when he wasn’t feeling the need to be obedient, then he would be a bit grumpy. Oh but Kyuhyun was a nice guy. Everyone got along with him and he got along with everyone. He was a bit awkward with girls though and with that upperclassman, Jongwoon. He couldn’t figure out why the simple call of that Golden Boy’s name always irked him. He was curious again.
Kyuhyun stood outside the faculty room and was about to slide the door open, only to stop midway his action upon hearing the loud gasps of familiar teachers from within the room. He instinctively moved to the side of the door and slid it slightly so he could press his ear close to the thin slit.
“When did his mother call?”
“Just a while ago. Poor boy. He must have overworked himself again. Being sent to the hospital a week before exams is probably quite troublesome for him.”
“I guess his retirement from the student council was beneficial to him after all. He had great potential though. Such a waste.”
Kyuhyun breathed in deeply and held his breath for around thirty seconds before exhaling silently. He was certain that the teachers were talking about Kim Jongwoon. Who else became student council president and retired after only a month of being elected? Kyuhyun wasn’t mad at Jongwoon enough to become dense. In the first place, Kyuhyun wasn’t mad at Jongwoon. He just felt sore whenever others called his name and for whatever reason, Kyuhyun had yet to find out. What he needed to do now was retrieve the materials for the next class and wait for dismissal. A part of his mind told him that he’d find some answers at the hospital. Fortunately, Kyuhyun was very much compliant to his ever brilliant ideas. He entered the room confidently.
~*~
The hospital wasn’t far from school. Kyuhyun took one bus ride and hopped on a taxi for the last stop. Eavesdropping on the teachers’ conversation earlier was one thing but actually getting indirectly notified of the name of the particular hospital where Jongwoon was admitted was a whole different story. Generally, gossip spread like wildfire but if it was gossip about Jongwoon, was it possible for a whole forest to explode within a minute? Kyuhyun overheard his female classmates talking about Jongwoon and the hospital and everything else was smooth sailing.
Kyuhyun stepped into the building, clutching at the straps of his backpack cautiously. At first glance, he noticed a group of first years, most of which were girls, coming out of the elevator. When they saw Kyuhyun, all of them tipped their heads slightly in due respect. Kyuhyun did the same.
“Are you here to visit Jongwoon hyung, Kyuhyun hyung?” a boy spoke up.
Kyuhyun nodded hesitantly.
“I guess. Sort’ve like that.”
“He’s on the fourth floor. Room 0419,” one of the girls blurted out, making Kyuhyun smile appreciatively.
“We weren’t allowed to enter his room though. Maybe they’d let you in, oppa.”
Kyuhyun chuckled. “I hope so. Thank you.”
As the freshmen scurried out of the building, Kyuhyun prompted himself to the elevator, pressing the correct button and waiting for the shafts to close. The short trip was dizzying and tiresome, somewhat. Arriving at the fourth floor, Kyuhyun followed the straight path to his right as he read the numbers on each room he came across. Steps halting directly in front of Room 0419, Kyuhyun swallowed hard. Somehow, his oh so brilliant ideas were dissolving little by little the more he thought of whatever it was that lied behind that white door. His gulp that instance almost resounded in the empty hallway as he prepared to grab on to the doorknob and-
“O-oh!”
Kyuhyun stepped back. A nurse had opened the door before him and was very much surprised to see Kyuhyun for a minute there. She regained her composure and giggled in embarrassment.
“I’m sorry. But visitors aren’t-“
“Who’s that?” a deep voice hollered.
Kyuhyun looked over the nurse’s shoulder and saw Jongwoon sitting upright on his hospital bed. Kyuhyun almost didn’t recognize his senior, who was currently wearing green hospital pajamas and had a magazine rested on his blanketed lap. Jongwoon had gotten thinner.
“Ah. Kyuhyun-sshi,” Jongwoon called. He motioned for the nurse to usher Kyuhyun inside.
“Uh…”
Once again, Kyuhyun was awkward with Golden Boy. The latter merely chuckled.
“Am I scaring you?”
Kyuhyun shook his head.
“Sorry.”
A kind smile began to spread over Jongwoon’s lips as he gazed at the stiff boy by the door. Kyuhyun wasn’t moving at all. All he could do was hold on to his backpack straps tighter and recite the English alphabet in his head. Why was he there again?
“You should sit down,” Jongwoon suggested as he pointed at a stool in the corner. “Drag it here and talk to me.”
Kyuhyun unconsciously did as he was told. Surprisingly, he wasn’t grumpy being told what to do. Part of that happening was probably because Jongwoon was on a hospital bed, chuckling weakly as he watched his junior advance to his side silently.
“Can you pass me the scissors?” Jongwoon requested, pointing at the small pair of blades by the bedside table.
Kyuhyun put down his bag and reached out to get the tool and passed it to Jongwoon, who received it with a bright grin. The weak boy turned a few pages on his magazine and began to snip at one particular page. It was a travel log article featuring the busy streets of Hongdae and Myeongdong. Kyuhyun tilted his head slightly to the side, bewildered.
“Shouldn’t you be asking me something?”
Jongwoon paused and glanced at Kyuhyun.
“Like what?” Jongwoon asked.
“’Why are you here’ is probably the most suitable question for this situation,” Kyuhyun managed to say with little frustration. If Kyuhyun wasn’t the dense one, it was Jongwoon.
It took a while before Jongwoon understood what Kyuhyun was trying to say. He let go of the scissors and slipped it in between the pages of his magazine, setting the thin publication aside.
Jongwoon smiled. “Why are you here?”
Kyuhyun rolled his eyes. It was by accident, really. Cho Kyuhyun was usually a polite young man.
“I’m not sure either,” Kyuhyun began. “I guess I wanted to talk to you.”
“About?”
There was a lengthy pause then. Kyuhyun suddenly felt hesitant. Eventually, he let out an exasperated breath.
“Please don’t misunderstand,” Kyuhyun said first while Jongwoon nodded. “You annoy me.”
Taken aback by the younger boy’s revelation, Jongwoon’s tiny eyes widened in expected shock.
“I apologize then,” Jongwoon coughed. “Did I do anything in particular to annoy you?”
Kyuhyun looked down at his shoes. He could see a pair of white slippers below the bed. They were relatively small compared to his loafers.
“Was it during a time when I was still student council president?” Jongwoon went on. He was the kind of guy whose actions sometimes make him self-conscious. It also didn’t help that he was forgetful and dense.
“Kyuhyun-sshi-“
“No, you didn’t do anything to annoy me,” Kyuhyun interrupted.
“Then what?”
Yet another awkward silence ruled over the two boys. Kyuhyun was sharp-tongued so he often made quite hasty and harsh remarks. That time was one exception.
“I just get annoyed when I hear your name.”
Jongwoon stared intently at Kyuhyun, whose attention was still glued to the white slippers.
“You hate my name?”
“I didn’t say that.”
Jongwoon combed his hair back, laughing. To this, Kyuhyun finally looked up.
“Call me Yesung then. I made it up when I was a kid. No one else knows.”
“Huh?”
Jongwoon offered the younger boy a happy smile.
“I’m Yesung. Pleased to meet you.”
Kyuhyun, wordlessly and unconsciously, smiled back.
~*~
How many days had it been since Kyuhyun visited Yesung at the hospital? Two? Three? Four weeks had already passed since then. Yesung had missed exams yet during that long while, he gained something in return. Kyuhyun visited him every day.
“Hyung,” Kyuhyun said as he observed Yesung squeezing a considerate amount of glue at the back of one of their schoolmate’s photos. “What are you doing?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” Yesung teased. “I’m making a scrapbook.”
Kyuhyun pulled the rectangular manuscript over to him. The pages were faded brown; some leafs were filled while few were empty. It was Kyuhyun’s first time seeing the scrapbook even if he had been by Yesung’s side every after school for some time now.
“That’s why you collected everyone’s photos,” Kyuhyun nodded as if to agree with himself. “But why are you making a scrapbook, hyung? Out of boredom?”
Yesung shook his head slowly. He took his scrapbook from Kyuhyun and pressed the photo on one page. He rubbed at it gently, patting it lightly to finish. Then, he looked to his left, toward the window where the sun’s rays penetrated through the glass and were infiltrating the room with what passive pace they had. Kyuhyun crossed his legs, waiting.
“I’m a senior now and I still like to think that I’ll be graduating in a few months,” Yesung shared in a hushed voice. “I figured I’d collect memories and make them last for myself before I graduate and go off somewhere. That was before though. There’s a revision of that reason now.”
Kyuhyun leaned over the bed, folding his arms over the sheets, expecting further explanations. Yesung turned to look at the younger boy, a faint smile creeping up to his lips.
“I’m collecting lasting memories to make a scrapbook to look at before I die.”
Kyuhyun sat up once more, by reflex. He looked straight into lost, tired orbs.
“C-come again? Did I hear right?”
Yesung chuckled. “Yes, you heard right.”
Kyuhyun clasped his hands together over his lap, fumbling with his thumbs in total listlessness.
“I’ve been here for four weeks but I never heard from anyone that you’re…”
“I’m?” Yesung insisted. Kyuhyun closed his eyes.
“Dying. Hyung, why didn’t you-“
Yesung reached over to place a hand on top of Kyuhyun’s clasped ones. Against his palm, Kyuhyun was freezing.
“Around the time that I invented the name ‘Yesung’ I was also in the hospital like this,” Yesung whispered. “I was ten years old then and I was confined for a month due to high fever.”
Amidst the abrupt silence, outside, the passing clouds had covered the sun and the room dimmed into slight darkness. There was a heart beating in Kyuhyun’s mind. Was it his? Was it Yesung’s? Was it someone else’s? He didn’t know. His hands were freezing dramatically while Yesung’s was practically ice cold, like the evening winters way over at the North Pole. The feeling was indefinable.
“Ever heard of ALL?”
Kyuhyun bit his lower lip, trying to recall if he had encountered the term from his science classes.
“You don’t have to think too hard. I can tell you.”
“But-“
“Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia.”
Leukemia. It was the first word that Kyuhyun was able to process. The other two followed shortly. Kyuhyun felt like he had never heard of anything worse than those three words combined, in his whole life.
“I was perfectly fine eight years ago, I swear. They did tests and only assumed. Assuming isn’t being sure, right? So nothing happened. I felt great. I lived well up until this moment,” Yesung clutched weakly at Kyuhyun’s knuckles, the saddest glow the younger boy had ever seen in tiny eyes was flickering faintly at him. “I don’t know what went wrong.”
Kyuhyun stood up and Yesung’s hand was forced to retreat to his side. The younger boy couldn’t open his mouth nor could he feel his body function or his muscles contract. Numbness had struck him. The last thought that ran through his mind was a photo of himself, in his bedroom way back at home, past five neighborhoods from the hospital and millions perhaps even billions of miles away from that hospital room, kept between thick pages of an encyclopedia. It was that very thought that prevented Kyuhyun from realizing that Yesung was already in his arms, pressed against his chest, secured. He wasn’t able to feel the sad smile that curved against his uniform.
“If I’m like this,” a hoarse voice echoed against soft fabric as trembling arms carefully snaked around a thin waist, hugging almost desperately. “It’s not that sad anymore.”
Kyuhyun patted Yesung’s back comfortingly, feeling that the older boy didn’t want to let go of him just yet. He could already imagine Yesung’s tiny eyes, all watery and devoid of any emotions once he’d pull back. Kyuhyun couldn’t imagine an even more heartbreaking scene than that.
Yet. That was another word Kyuhyun was beginning to fear.
~*~
It was toward the beginning of August when Yesung’s doctors finally advised him to drop out of school. It surprised the weak boy’s family greatly but they decided to set that matter aside for now. They were aware that Yesung would probably disapprove of his doctors’ suggestion. So silently, Yesung’s family waited for his further recovery. But it had been hard to pray and hope for any miracles to come about for Yesung’s health had become worse since that day when he told Kyuhyun about his disease. He was getting thinner due to the fact that he refused to eat, always losing his appetite once he sees food. A bump had recently appeared near his neck, at the side where his skin had also started swelling. Kyuhyun had a hard time believing all of the changes Yesung had undergone in the short span of days.
“Hey, hyung.”
Yesung looked up from his scrapbook, finger suspended over a photo of Namsan Tower.
“What is it, Kyu?”
Kyu. Kyuhyun suddenly wondered when Yesung had started calling him that.
“Haven’t you collected all of the students’ photos yet?” Kyuhyun inquired as he looked over the current page Yesung was working on.
Yesung chuckled weakly as he tended to paste Namsan Tower in his memories.
“I haven’t yet. You’re the only one who’s permitted to visit me. Did you know that?”
Kyuhyun shook his head.
“When I get a little better, I’ll go to school with you,” Yesung declared with a slight hint of humor. “I’ll be able to complete everything by then.”
Kyuhyun frowned. He was almost sure that Yesung’s remark had hidden hopelessness. It wasn’t that Yesung was giving up or anything. Kyuhyun was just too worried.
“I really want to help you get those pictures,” the frowning boy confessed. “But I’m afraid if I did that, their pictures - their memories, in your place, will lose meaning.”
Yesung listened carefully to Kyuhyun’s cracking voice. It was a sad harmony yet so very pleasant in his ears, despite the evident worry.
“It’s best if you collect them yourself,” Kyuhyun said now with a small smile. “So you better get well soon and get out of here.”
Yesung snickered. “Yeah. Will do.”
Then both boys went back to what they were doing. Yesung was flipping through his memory book while Kyuhyun was reading one of the magazines there. At one page, there was an editorial about desserts. The featured treat was a Strawberry Chiffon Cake Special, with the small slices of berries and fancy letterings. Yesung caught a peek of it and laughed to himself.
“That would be perfect for a birthday.”
“You think so?”
Yesung crinkled his nose. “Yep.”
It had been raining since that morning. Saturdays were always so quiet and serene. Kyuhyun liked visiting Yesung on weekends best because they got to spend time longer than on weekdays, when Kyuhyun was only able to go after school. Kyuhyun finally smiled.
“What do you want for your birthday, hyung?”
Such a trivial question wasn’t supposed to make anyone frown, Kyuhyun knew. Yesung’s smile had disappeared as he looked away from the younger boy, surveying the rain clouds through the glass panes with forlorn eyes.
“I think it’d be nice if I died on my birthday.”
Kyuhyun stayed calm as he breathed a lungful of air then carefully letting it all out.
“Why would dying be nice in the first place?”
“’cause it’s inevitable,” Yesung retorted without turning to see Kyuhyun’s doleful expression. “We should accept that truth someday, you know? Just so happens that I accepted it a little too early.”
A pitiful laugh eerily resounded in Kyuhyun’s mind.
“But why, of all days, on your birthday?”
Yesung pursed his lips and shrugged, side-glancing at his friend weakly.
“I don’t know. So that people would be reminded to celebrate my birthday, to be happy rather than to celebrate my death and mourn. Can’t it be like that?”
“I don’t want to know.”
“Well I do,” Yesung faced Kyuhyun then. “I guess I’ll just have to wait.”
“… How many days before that day?”
Yesung hummed as he held up his hands, trying his best to move his fingers as he counted.
“Maybe… A week? Two weeks?” Yesung playfully mused aloud. “Who knows? Ah. Except for one Person, of course.”
I wish that Person wouldn’t know either. I wish He’d mix it up with someone else’s time. So that… This guy could finish his scrapbook… And live longer to show it to everyone once he’s done.
Yesung’s happy smile that instance made Kyuhyun clench his fists. He hated how the older boy faked contentment in his expressions when clearly he was far from feeling so. Kyuhyun especially knew this because Yesung wasn’t the only one suffering. Kyuhyun escaped to the depths of his wavering mind. Yesung’s thoughts had come to that stage of receding optimism that Kyuhyun couldn’t bear to comprehend any longer.
“Don’t be sad, Kyu,” Yesung cooed, stretching a hand to ruffle his junior’s already messy hair. “Don’t frown like that. C’mon.”
Had it been a crime to befriend his peculiar senior so late in time that now he was regretting so, Kyuhyun ought to know. Two smiles appeared - one of feigned joy, the other of utmost sympathy and sorrow. What ever was to come, Kyuhyun was too frightened to even envision.
Why wasn’t the rain stopping?
~*~
“Mornin’,” Kyuhyun greeted. “Happy Birthday, hyung.”
He took out the chair and set it beside the bed, like how he always did.
“How old are you now? Hm?”
There was a smile, a laugh soon ringing in his ears - all that, at the back of his mind. He stretched out his hand to hold on to another, tightly with every ounce of strength he had left.
“Let me see that scrapbook you’ve been working on. It’s done now right?” Kyuhyun paused. “You’ve been taking such a long time to finish.”
The young boy stood up, chair falling over and scraping the tiles with a screech. Kyuhyun loomed over the bed, where a motionless body lied with a white cloth covering a handsome face, covering tiny, sparkling eyes and beautiful lips - beautiful everything. The green blankets that once enveloped such a fragile body changed into white, thick linens as if to match the small one that hid the face of an odd, amazing boy.
Kyuhyun held on to Yesung’s hand as if his life depended on it. He wished Yesung thought the same and squeezed his palm in agreement.
Kyuhyun waited. A second, a minute, thirty minutes…
Why wasn’t Yesung squeezing his hand? Why wasn’t he chuckling? Why didn’t he hold on to Kyuhyun for dear life? Kyuhyun would’ve returned the favor. He would’ve exchanged places with him. Yesung would go to school, graduate, get into university and Kyuhyun would lie on that hospital bed, wear hospital clothes and read magazines, waiting for Yesung to visit him and finally show him that scrapbook he was always so stressed about; the very same one with all of their classmates’ pictures, sceneries from parks, strips from magazines - that scrapbook. Kyuhyun would’ve done all that if only Yesung held on to him; if only Yesung treated Kyuhyun as his life as well and became stronger for the both of them.
Why didn’t He mess up the times?
“At least a day after his birthday…” Kyuhyun mumbled. “You didn’t have to be so considerate to grant him that wish of his. Of all his wishes, why did it have to be that one?!”
There was no mourning. Kyuhyun smiled with burning tears that gushed out of his straining eyes and continuously trickled down his red cheeks. With each streaming drop, were of happiness - that was the first and last thing he could give to Yesung. He never gave Yesung his picture. There was a reason for that; an explanation Kyuhyun had been dying to tell the strange boy someday, in a small quarter-folded note all written in blue ink.
But it was all too late.
“Happy Birthday, Kim Jongwoon.”
A/N2: If you want to know what ALL is, go
here. Btw, this is my second KyuSung fic! It's so different from my first, which was
Tomorrow, Honest!. Y'all can read that too, if you want. Newaaaaai, do you understand why the title of this oneshot is Remembrance? Do you know why Kyuhyun didn't give Yesung a picture of himself? I'll explain if anyone didn't get it. Just ask. :D Comments are very much appreciated! Be it good or bad, anything's welcome! Again, super belated Happy Birthday, Yesung! <3