Friday loving: Updated thoughts on love and relationships
Truth: The checklists that define desired qualities in a man perpetuated by women’s magazines, newspapers’ relationship columns, and other mass medias are bullshit.
(In singlish: you think go camping ah? Checklist for what? Bring matches and raincoat issit?)
They serve no purpose other than to convolute already complicated social interactions.
For a compulsive list maker, I had done away with a Partner-Checklist years ago (barring a few deal breakers - murderer, destructive gambler, those lines); admittedly in part due to frustrations - never in my list checking days did I meet someone who fulfilled all the criteria. This resulted in my nitpicking at their supposed short-comings and of course damaging the relationships.
When you put pen to paper (rather keys to screen), it is easy to forget that human beings are more complex than a list of qualities. Words cannot adequately describe what you want in a partner - people don’t just fall into different one-dimensional adjectives. I didn’t know that when I was younger, but hey at least I have learned from my mistakes.
You cannot expect to land a good mate just by having a checklist. I find that a list can sometimes close your heart, mind and eyes to possibilities.
I’ve been fortunate in having dated some wonderful men in my life; some whose hearts I have broken due to immaturity and some who shattered mine against my best efforts. These experiences made me who I am; taught me to identify a good thing when I have it and how not to self-sabotage / self-destruct.
It helps that Mr. P is who he is. Despite a tough start in an even tougher environment along with ex-wife complications, we made it work because experiences have taught us that if we pull through, it’ll be worth it.
This is not a checklist, but something I have learned along the way about relationships (and even life in general). My philosophy to make things work:
1) He loves you for who you are and supports you to be come who YOU want to be
2) You love him for who he is and support him to become who HE wants to be
3) A lot of laughter, i.e. don’t take yourself too seriously
The first two are more transferable across any type of relationship than one would imagine. I am blessed with a (dysfunctional but) loving family - they stand by me as much as I do for them. Some would say of course given blood is thicker than water yada yada…
Yes and no. I am very close to the sister but it wasn’t always like that. There were years when we needed to do our own growing up and accepting the two facts. Plus we know enough people who do not have the same kind of unconditional love we were/are showered with (thanks Mummy!). Friendships work the same way; just ask the people at the wedding. They were and still are my support structures.
When it comes to romantic relationships, people don’t practice them enough. You cannot go into one expecting the other party to change (wait till the cows come home!). So if something about the person annoys you, learn to live with it, else move on. Don’t love someone wanting/expecting him/her to become who YOU want him/her to be.
Mr. P said to me once, “You cannot change a person; you can only help him become a better version of himself only if he wants to be. And he will want to be a better man (haha so clichéd) if he is inspired by your love for him.”
And that my friends, is how I made an honest man out of Mr. P (other than beating him occasionally). ;)
Jokes aside, I cannot emphasize enough about the value of laughter, especially in life. When people laugh at you, learn to laugh with them. It has taken me years and still I am only able to do so 90% of the time. I am still quite self-conscious in many ways but I do my best in each situation. Mr. P is a clear winner in the laughter arena - he is the most un-self-conscious person I know. And I truly respect that.
I don’t claim to have the best relationship in the world (okay actually I do on a daily basis), I do my damnest to make sure ours work. Yes it is work, like there is no such thing as a free meal; relationships are not meant to be easy because we are complex beings.
Sometimes the clichéd that opposites attract holds true; though this is mostly on the surface. To have a lasting relationship (romantic or otherwise), there will always be shared values if you dig deeper. Often times, very different people aren’t so dissimilar at all.
Throw away the checklist; understand mentally and emotionally who you are and the values you hold dear. The rest will fall into place (just have enough maturity to not self-destruct).
Disclaimer: These are personal experiences and observations and they work for me. When it comes to being with people, I am fairly easy going and don’t have strong hang ups (deal breakers); e.g. religion, smoking, drinking. But I am sure there are plenty of religious, non-smoking teetotalers around for the population that seek them.