Letter to the Psychiatrist
Are you some kind of retarded snake oil salesman? What possessed your arrogant self-serving stunted brain to imagine that you could EVER possibly help another human? What institute of technology did you crawl out of and what kind of monkey trainer released you from obedience school and say you could be of ANY service to mankind other than scraping bubble gum from bathroom floors at the bus station. Is mental illness contagious? Did you catch schizophrenia? Why do you charge me for a visit I did NOT show up for? The only reason I went to see you was because you were recommended and I had insurance. I’m supposed to get the first ten visits free. If the insurance company didn’t pay for the missed sessions then I guess you’ll have to eat the cost. SO QUIT CALLING ME! And what kind of wet-dream world do you live in to think depressed people have money anyway? Do you really need my $250? Are you eating Ramen noodles? Do you ride the bus? Is your landlord knocking on the door of YOUR shit-hole apartment threatening to kick YOU out on the street? Somehow I don’t think you have these problems. Are you a doctor or an investment banker? Charging people money for NOT showing up! What a pompous ass. Do I charge your mother for not sucking my cock? Will someone pay me for not beating you in the head with a shovel? How’s this for fucking therapy? I’ll charge you for not swallowing whole the steaming turd I squeeze out of my butthole. Do you charge people on the street for not looking at you? Maybe you could have a concert at Madison Square Garden and if nobody shows up you could charge them you narcissistic nut! You probably jack off to pictures of Ayn Rand. Hey wait a minute… Why don’t you come to my house? I have a document here that says you’re an idiot fuck because you did not see ME and did not worship MY presence so I will have to charge you $2,000,000. Oh! You never call. You never write. Do you mock my nuggets of wisdom? Do you even know who I am? I should charge people $250 for one half second of my time. Oh! But don’t worry, I have a sliding scale for the retarded. I promise I’ll try my best to help you not kill yourself. I bet no one will be at your funeral anyway and you’ll probably try to charge them for not showing up. That should be one giant load of money. All the people NOT at your funeral. Except of course the sick and depressed you charged for missing an appointment. They definitely wouldn’t want to miss your fat ass being lowered into the ground. They’ll be there right on time, to piss on your grave.