My Hero Elvis Costello
The son of Elvis Presley and Lou Costello, Elvis Costello was born in Santiago de Chile no later than 1973. Famous for combining the superpowers of both parents (karate moves and slapstick humor), Elvis Costello soon became the mortal enemy of Jackie Chan. On the winter of 1962, Costello and Chan tripped into each other and a brawl started. Soon, everybody was kung-fu fighting. Those cats were fast as lightning. It was a little bit frightening. But it was done with expert timing, kicks and punches were flying all over the place. However Chan quickly imposed himself onto Costello, who was almost blind after losing his glasses during the bitchslapping.
He then moved to Florida and set up a small rebel army to fight the fascist dictator Jerry Bush the retarded step brother of Neal Diamond. Working secretly as a data entry temp for the NSA he was able to write software code for his masterwork Punch the Clock of Stephen Stills.
Elvis Costello on a five day kitten huffing binge experimented with various styles of musical clairvoyance while in a peak experience of ecstatic trance. His frantic skills of song writing led him to create his infamous Get Huffing album with 20,000 songs on each side. No one was actually able to play this record on any turntable with the most advanced stylus in the known universe. This breakthrough vinyl record actually inspired a group of amphetamine wired Japanese fans to invent the CD player with the help of the CIA and a small wood nymph seated on a lucky charm.
Before dying, Costello uttered the phrase "Father, I'm joining you now". After three months in a small tomb outside Nashville he was resurrected and became God’s personal stand up comedian. No one is quite sure who rolled the stone away from the tomb. Some Orthodox fans believe it had to be the handy work of God. Others believe Elvis himself rolled the stone away with his supra-human powers of karate. The first disciple to see Elvis after his resurrection was Diana Krall. God then gave Mr. Costello a bionic arm made of pure gold in which he used to write the lyrics for My Aim is World Conquest Up North. The album cover for Diana Krall’s new really weird sexy Christmas album was inspired directly from this work.
Elvis Costello dubbed himself the Beloved Entertainer during the great moniker gap in the late 80s. This was due to an overwhelming fear of Soviet style monikers such as, the King, the Man in Black, the Chairman of the Boards, the Glimmer Twins and the No Talent Hack I Can’t Believe I Just Paid $150 to See My Grandfather Play Folk Songs And He Still Can’t Sing Guy.
Elvis Costello continues to bite the hand that feeds him, criticizing the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in his acceptance speech he blurted, “This is an event to amuse an overfed collection of circus freaks! I’m sitting here holding this punk ass award, looking out in the crowd and I’ve written, recorded, covered and pulled more songs out of my ass than all you clowns combined!” The crowd merely erupted in applause. Rolling Stone editor Jann Wenner was said to shriek, “Man that guy has a set of balls!”