My Feminist/Atheist Girlfriend Caught Me Jacking Off
Here's what you want. You want a guy who's in love with you BUT treats you like a whore sometimes. You want a guy who can make you laugh BUT he's got to be nice. He has to be able to fix things around the house AND also arrange flowers. He has to have money BUT he can't be a shallow materialist. He has to be responsible BUT also be an artist. He has to always tell the truth BUT never hurt your feelings… He has to know who you are BUT you’ll want to stay mysterious… You’ll want to be spontaneous BUT you’ll need to keep a schedule… He has to have a spiritual side BUT still a rebel at heart… He has to be filled with wisdom BUT never smarter than you… He has to do what you say BUT you don’t want a lap dog… HIGH SEX DRIVE BUT NEVER JACK OFF! You can’t have it both ways…
Hey maybe there's a way to eat a cake and still have the cake... You love to look at the cake because it's so pretty... but you’re hungry... You want to eat some of it but you don't want to mess it up... Maybe there's a way you can do this... Maybe if you bend backward and stick your head up your ass you can watch the cake while it's still inside... Maybe if you surgically implant a television set into your stomach and swallow the cake whole you can keep the cake on some kind of surveillance monitor... You’ll also want to pull it out occasionally just to look at it and eat it again so you’ll have to make sure it doesn't digest... Maybe you can do this while you fly a car to the moon... Maybe you can have everyone on the planet think about you eating the cake and watching it on your monitor... You'll have to make sure people don't mistake you for the cake... Or maybe you can become one with the cake itself... You'll become a human/cake hybrid and you'll have every man on the face of the planet masturbate on your cake tits... This "frosting" will become your protection... You'll keep some of it next to your bed in a giant bucket... You'll make sure every individual sperm cell has your name on it like a tiny gift package... It will be against the Law of God and punishable by the threat of death for any man to masturbate and shoot his seed anywhere other than on your cake... No other women will be able to become a cake... You may have to throw all of them into a detention camp... Wait... That won't work because if you hire men to control the camp they may just masturbate to those slut prisoners and we all know men love women behind bars... And if women control the camp they'll just let themselves out... So you'll just have to kill all the women on the planet... That’s three billion people… It may take some time…