(no subject)
So I was just on the phone with my mom again. (angst angst angst)
The cancer's spread to her lymph nodes. And probably other places too, and they don't know where. So her doctor wants to start her on this therapy that's $6,000/shot, once a week for 52 weeks. And this is supposed to be harder on the body than chemotherapy is.
Something that I've been waiting for has happened, though...It seems like she was finally in a mood to LISTEN.
She told me that my younger sister had asked her what she wanted for christmas, and she answered "family".
And we all know she ain't gettin any o' that! I don't feel bad about it though. Well, I feel bad that my mom has managed to push everyone away. But it's not my fault.
Anyway...
Somehow, we got on the subject of our relationship; mine and my mom's, that is. And she said that she does understand what I'm saying, even though I don't think she does. And I said I really don't think she does understand what I'm saying. And she said I should ask her sometimes if she understands what I mean, and she can say yes or no. I told her that's pretty dumb because if she gets it wrong and doesn't think she has, we have a complete failure to communicate.
And she said that she doesn't feel like she has the vocabulary to express herself. So I told her it's not just what she says, but how she says it, and that the way she says things is sarcastic and biting, even when she's trying to be nice. And I also told her that even when she apologizes for doing that, it still feels slimy.
And she admitted that she "does feel anger toward [me]." And she doesn't know why. And I told her I knew that already, and have known that for a while.
And I told her that I probably remind her of someone that she's mad at, either by my personality or by my situation. And she kind of caught her breath and told me that yeah, I do remind her of someone, and would I like to know who?
And I said no. I don't want to know who she's SO mad at that I'm getting punished for it. [y'know, as I write this out, I realize that that's a beautiful little passive-agressive trap that she set there. Fortunately I just don't care enough to spring it.]
And you know what she did? She thanked me. she THANKED me. she said THANK YOU, and she sounded like she really meant it.
And I got to tell her...I FINALLY got to tell her, that if she can stop being so mad at me for something I didn't do, and treat me like a real person, I'm still willing to forgive her for everything that's happened in the past, and build a relationship with her.
And she said....she said she doesn't think I'm a toxic personality (this is probably one of the nicest things my mom has ever said to me. This is probably about as nice a thing as my mom says about anyone).
And she asked how my dog was doing, and actually listened to me talk about Savannah, instead of just jumping ahead to talk about her dogs like she always does. And she said that she's been noticing wheatens around in print ads and such. This is, y'know, important, because it's her way of saying she's acknowledged my dog, and accepts her.
And um, we talked about some other things too. How she hates my older sister for being a nag, how my younger sister isn't ready for life. And I asked mom if she's made out a will, in case she doesn't make it through this. She said she hadn't, and I told her she'd better get her shit together, because what if she dies? It's not like J could deal with any of that stuff...arranging a funeral, selling the house, divvying up mom's belongings, cooking for herself, supporting herself, taking care of two dogs ALL BY HERSELF (Somedays I'm surprised that girl can deal with the emotional ramifications of tying her shoes).
And mom tried to approach the issue of having me be the executor of her estate, since apparently my older sister has turned her down for the position. I told her I wouldn't be able to do that, because I won't be around. I know this is a lie; you can be the executor of an estate from afar. I just don't think I would handle it very well, because I'd want to make it all even, y'know, and make sure everyone got the things that they were emotionally attached to regardless of monetary value, and someone would then point out how much they just LOVE that pricey painting or expensive whatever, and then they would make fun of me for using words like "emotional attachment", and I would sigh and hate my family even more.
And then she started telling me how the chemo is basically making her body melt, and I said I don't want to hear about those grisly details. And the conversation ended soon after that.
I feel sad because that was one of only a handful of nice conversations that I've had with my mother that didn't end in tears and frustration. And I'm worried that she's finally trying to listen because she maybe feels like she won't get many more chances, or maybe she feels like she's hit rock bottom, since at this point she's getting more sympathy from strangers than she is from her family. I don't know. But it worries me.
It's alot easier to not think of it, not think of her, not worry, not care, when she's a monster. It doesn't hurt as bad if I know that she's not worth talking to, if a real conversation between us isn't possible. Having her talk like a real person who actually CARES about me makes her cancer alot more real. It makes the idea of her death alot scarier. I mean, yesterday morning I woke up and thought about mom, and thought about how much of a mess it would leave behind if she died. That's all she was to me this morning; a potential mess with a resulting headache. Having her make a heartfelt attempt to become a real person is alot, alot, alot messier emotionally.
Suddenly it's harder to say "my mom has cancer."
The cancer's spread to her lymph nodes. And probably other places too, and they don't know where. So her doctor wants to start her on this therapy that's $6,000/shot, once a week for 52 weeks. And this is supposed to be harder on the body than chemotherapy is.
Something that I've been waiting for has happened, though...It seems like she was finally in a mood to LISTEN.
She told me that my younger sister had asked her what she wanted for christmas, and she answered "family".
And we all know she ain't gettin any o' that! I don't feel bad about it though. Well, I feel bad that my mom has managed to push everyone away. But it's not my fault.
Anyway...
Somehow, we got on the subject of our relationship; mine and my mom's, that is. And she said that she does understand what I'm saying, even though I don't think she does. And I said I really don't think she does understand what I'm saying. And she said I should ask her sometimes if she understands what I mean, and she can say yes or no. I told her that's pretty dumb because if she gets it wrong and doesn't think she has, we have a complete failure to communicate.
And she said that she doesn't feel like she has the vocabulary to express herself. So I told her it's not just what she says, but how she says it, and that the way she says things is sarcastic and biting, even when she's trying to be nice. And I also told her that even when she apologizes for doing that, it still feels slimy.
And she admitted that she "does feel anger toward [me]." And she doesn't know why. And I told her I knew that already, and have known that for a while.
And I told her that I probably remind her of someone that she's mad at, either by my personality or by my situation. And she kind of caught her breath and told me that yeah, I do remind her of someone, and would I like to know who?
And I said no. I don't want to know who she's SO mad at that I'm getting punished for it. [y'know, as I write this out, I realize that that's a beautiful little passive-agressive trap that she set there. Fortunately I just don't care enough to spring it.]
And you know what she did? She thanked me. she THANKED me. she said THANK YOU, and she sounded like she really meant it.
And I got to tell her...I FINALLY got to tell her, that if she can stop being so mad at me for something I didn't do, and treat me like a real person, I'm still willing to forgive her for everything that's happened in the past, and build a relationship with her.
And she said....she said she doesn't think I'm a toxic personality (this is probably one of the nicest things my mom has ever said to me. This is probably about as nice a thing as my mom says about anyone).
And she asked how my dog was doing, and actually listened to me talk about Savannah, instead of just jumping ahead to talk about her dogs like she always does. And she said that she's been noticing wheatens around in print ads and such. This is, y'know, important, because it's her way of saying she's acknowledged my dog, and accepts her.
And um, we talked about some other things too. How she hates my older sister for being a nag, how my younger sister isn't ready for life. And I asked mom if she's made out a will, in case she doesn't make it through this. She said she hadn't, and I told her she'd better get her shit together, because what if she dies? It's not like J could deal with any of that stuff...arranging a funeral, selling the house, divvying up mom's belongings, cooking for herself, supporting herself, taking care of two dogs ALL BY HERSELF (Somedays I'm surprised that girl can deal with the emotional ramifications of tying her shoes).
And mom tried to approach the issue of having me be the executor of her estate, since apparently my older sister has turned her down for the position. I told her I wouldn't be able to do that, because I won't be around. I know this is a lie; you can be the executor of an estate from afar. I just don't think I would handle it very well, because I'd want to make it all even, y'know, and make sure everyone got the things that they were emotionally attached to regardless of monetary value, and someone would then point out how much they just LOVE that pricey painting or expensive whatever, and then they would make fun of me for using words like "emotional attachment", and I would sigh and hate my family even more.
And then she started telling me how the chemo is basically making her body melt, and I said I don't want to hear about those grisly details. And the conversation ended soon after that.
I feel sad because that was one of only a handful of nice conversations that I've had with my mother that didn't end in tears and frustration. And I'm worried that she's finally trying to listen because she maybe feels like she won't get many more chances, or maybe she feels like she's hit rock bottom, since at this point she's getting more sympathy from strangers than she is from her family. I don't know. But it worries me.
It's alot easier to not think of it, not think of her, not worry, not care, when she's a monster. It doesn't hurt as bad if I know that she's not worth talking to, if a real conversation between us isn't possible. Having her talk like a real person who actually CARES about me makes her cancer alot more real. It makes the idea of her death alot scarier. I mean, yesterday morning I woke up and thought about mom, and thought about how much of a mess it would leave behind if she died. That's all she was to me this morning; a potential mess with a resulting headache. Having her make a heartfelt attempt to become a real person is alot, alot, alot messier emotionally.
Suddenly it's harder to say "my mom has cancer."