just drop into the abyss, you know where it is.
it seems like everything around me was going great until I showed up and now things are going to shit. People are breaking up, people are fighting, things are getting worse between people and not better. And I kind of feel that if I hadn't shown up, maybe this wouldn't have happened. I just don't know anymore.
Tonight I went to Wal Mart with Katlin and Richard, and then afterwards they were like, I don't want to go back home just yet, so we went for a drive. And we turned onto very country roads, and it was beautiful and it was dark, and anything you could make out was gone in a second but it didn't matter because of how amazing it was. Country music playing, quiet roads, and the big night sky. I should have been content. but I wasn't.
It felt like someone had shot me right int he middle of my chest. It was like I felt the bullet go in, and then come out my back. It felt as if that void would never be filled. ever. and it hurt. so everytime I stared out the window, I just felt an immense pain. I still do, right now. It feels like I am missing something, something big. And I have to look for it, but I don't know where to start. It's like, fuck, I don't even know anymore what it's like.
It's like I am just so lonely here. I mean yeah, I have my cousin and yeah it's amazing because I miss her all year round, but I need someone. Not even a boyfriend, not even a quick lay, I just need someone to talk to when I get bored. Someone who is like, "did you hear see that car pass, it had blahblahblah" I want a nonsensical connection with someone.
Like, I'm reading this book where this guy flies all the way from California to Colorado for a girl. He doesn't tell her he is coming, he just goes. and I want someone to want to do that for me.
And then it goes back to me being stuck, stuck on this same fucking person. I don't want to be. I so don't see myself with him, at all. But it's just that whenever I feel like this, I always think about him. He is the default for everything in my life. Everytime a relationship fails, I want to crawl back to him. I want to have him make sense of things for me.
But then I come to my senses and am like, NO. I can't do that. This is the worst possible decision I ever could make. Which makes me want to call him. BUT NO. I have deleted him from my msn, my phone book, and I haven't looked at his facebook page since January. Which makes me proud that I have been able to carry on a life without him.
but then sad, that he is able to carry on his life without me. ugh, that's the ultimate paradox, isn't it?
okay, so basically I feel like shit, lonely and fucking confused about my life in general... what else is new?
ugh, I just want this bullet wound to heal so I can maybe finally move on in life.
I need a new locale, belleville has run its course.