switch your mind

[jxxnggxk]

switch your mind
suga/jungkook - 8,393 words - trans au
warnings: transphobia, misgendering, toxic families
min yoongi catches jungsook when she falls, unaware that their wings are fragile. (sequel to can’t fit, should fit)
a/n: i'm really attached to this au ok.



dating min yoongi is a unique experience. they still walk together on her way to school and back home, their fingers clumsily laced because jungsook can't figure out how to fill the right spaces with the right fingers. she has to keep herself from shying away in public, on the days they go on dates, or even when they're just walking, because people are staring. especially when yoongi presents themself as a girl. stand up loud and proud, jungsookie. let the whole world know you exist.

because yoongi is still walking straight-backed and proud in any outfit they're in, and jungsook's afraid they'll leave her behind if she doesn't either.

( they wouldn't. )

genderfluid, they had described themself to be one day with their fingers attempting to braid jungsook's hair while their girlfriend played video games. sometimes i feel like a boy. sometimes i feel like a girl. sometimes i feel like i'm neither. or even a mix. mixes are usually cool.

what do you do when you're neither? or a mix? jungsook asked, barely glancing up from her ds.

yoongi jutted out their lower lip, struggling to tie the end of one braid. be myself, duh.

do i have to call you oppa or unni when you're not? or use the right pronouns?

what? they let go of the braid and watched it fall back into disoriented waves. god, no. only if you want to. and i like using 'they' or 'them' for myself all the time. don't worry about it.

at the beginning, jungsook hadn't realized just how tantalizing her datefriend seemed and how afraid she is to get any closer. but the more she spends time with them, when another inch is lost between them in distance, she finds herself wanting more but her body pressing away. what is she so afraid of?

yoongi immediately discussed the idea of sex when they began dating, stating that there's a limit that they wouldn't dare push through. it lifted a huge weight off jungsook's shoulders, knowing the older one won't pressure her to do something, to do anything but be herself. there is nothing to be afraid of when it comes to yoongi, but something inside her has her trembling so hard in the middle of heated makeouts that yoongi has to stop and comfort her with gentle strokes down her hair.

maybe that's what she's afraid of. that even when yoongi's completely under control with their own desires, she might no longer be able to keep control over her own.

or maybe she’s just afraid that she can’t understand yoongi completely to know their intentions.

"you have to be joking."

"i am totally serious."

summer vacation's already begun for both of them, with yoongi now in their third year of university and jungsook in her second year of high school. her first year was rocky, discouraging student-built obstacles with relaxing kisses and cheesy mixtapes a la yoongi in between. she survived, ranked in the top 50 when the final grades were revealed. there were a lot more kisses a la yoongi after that.

"i'm not going to your apartment," jungsook firmly states, sitting at the edge of the kitchen island in a red frilly dress generously bought by yoongi. her hair had long since reached her shoulders, cut into a style more proper. it’s still early and she can’t bring herself to slip in her inserts nor tuck in, but yoongi just smiles at her like there’s no difference. because they don’t think there is.

yoongi, on the other hand, leans towards her in a casual oversized t-shirt and shorts, their short auburn hair free of the usual hat. too focused on wanting to see you that i didn't think of dressing up nice, they had said. their elbows perch against the smooth surface beside her. "why not?" they ask curiously, unable to understand.

yoongi's been hanging around her house so often even before summer started that jungsook's mother had become well-adjusted to their presence. she finds yoongi to be sweet and charming, grateful for jungsook to find someone like them, and yoongi's been lingering even when her mother is home.

"there's college students there," is all jungsook can answer, whispering even though her mother isn't home.

"well, i'm one of those college students. but here you are, about to make out with me." jokingly, yoongi puckers their lips and exaggeratedly wiggles their eyebrows.

jungsook mimics a disgusted expression before pushing their face away. she peers down at her lap, kicking her legs back and forth, childishly aiming for yoongi's thighs. "seeing college students scare me."

"i didn't scare you."

"i hit your face with a backpack."

"oh, yeah." yoongi's eyebrows furrow. "good point." they exhale and begin to huff. "but jungsooooooooook-" they prolong the last syllable as long as they can until jungsook begins frowning. "i go to your house all the time. and sometimes jimin and hoseok are there." they shudder once mentioning them. "you know how they get sometimes."

jung hoseok. jungsook still remembers the first time she met him through an eager jimin wanting a double date, and how shocked yoongi and hoseok was to see each other. apparently yoongi and he had been friends since high school, and hoseok still helps them with their music projects from time to time. he's all smiles and rambunctious behavior and random exclamations. jungsook had immediately become overwhelmed by his excited greeting, her hand being shaken far too many times that she almost lost feel in it.

jimin had finally gotten the guts to confess to hoseok in the middle of the school year and they've been together since, but their displays of affection can be a bit much.

jungsook swears she saw them sucking face when she'd come to the studio to go back to taking dance classes, and they didn't even stop for almost an hour. needless to say, she decided not to take any classes. in that studio, at least.

"i still don't know why jimin would date such a moron," yoongi remarks, shaking their head.

"morons can find love too," jungsook pipes up, hopping off the island.

and they both giggle.

"come over to my place, jungsookie," yoongi continues to insist softly, taking her hand into theirs, their thumb making circles against the back of her hand. that always makes jungsook shiver, chills traveling down her hand and up her spine, but in a good way that makes her want more. her datefriend immediately reads this on her face, nudging her for a gentle kiss. "come over," they mumble against her lips and press against them for another, which jungsook quietly returns with her hands cupped against the sides of their neck.

"i don't know ..." jungsook pulls away before they can go any further, thumping her forehead against yoongi's. she feels the older's arms snake around her waist and relaxes in their hold. "your roommate might bite. or have more charm than you." the last sentence is teasing, a smile curling up her lips.

yoongi scoffs. "please. namjoon has about as much charm as a gecko."

"geckos are cute." with that, she brushes their noses together while the other pouts.

"jeon jungsook, if you're trying to break my heart, it's working."

when yoongi returns to their apartment and kicks off their sneakers, namjoon is wiping down the small living room and sends them with a weary smile. yoongi just jerks his chin up in greeting and gives a brighter smile, dipping into their room to change then grab their camera. they swing their closet open, eyeing a pencil skirt in particular.

"your parents called our home phone," namjoon calls out from outside the room. yoongi freezes in the middle of stripping, having just taken off their shirt.

"why would they call?" yoongi murmurs and moves right for their pants. they button up a dress shirt, nearly ironed thanks to namjoon, and rolls up the sleeves, slipping on the skirt before tucking the shirt in.

"hat?" namjoon picks out a few non-beanies off a rack and squints to see which one match best until yoongi steps up to grab one.

"thanks but you know i have better fashion sense than you," yoongi jokes, ignoring the towel swung at their face. they firmly put it on before strapping their camera around their neck, checking to make sure the lens is clean. "so what did they say?"

"huh? oh, uh-" namjoon averts their eyes. "they want you to visit them sometime."

yoongi hums and wipes at the lens with a soft cloth from their desk. "funny. they told me to never come back five years ago."

"they asked me if you were dating anyone."

yoongi jerks their head towards namjoon, eyes widened in concern. "don't tell me you told them about jungsook."

"i expected you didn't want me to." namjoon leans against the door frame. "why? you don't want them to know about her?"

"yeah. i don't want them to know about my schoolgirl fetish," yoongi says sarcastically.

"ha ha. if you told anyone else that, they'd be reporting you to the police."

"true. no, but i-" yoongi exhales a bit shakily, fixing their hat. "i'm just scared they'll confront her before i let them. they'll yell at her and call her a freak and other things too and i really don't want that to happen to her when she's already going through that at school-"

"so you're just scared?" namjoon blinks.

"wouldn't you be?" yoongi doesn't turn to look at him, focusing on the mirror to get some liner around their eyes. "you know how hard they tried to get you away from me."

"and here i am. still being your lovable best friend." namjoon gives a cheeky smile while yoongi rolls their eyes and kicks at them. "and here you are too. still alive." his friend shoots a faint smile and slips on some boots. "how long are you going to be out? seokjin's coming over in a bit."

"i'll be out until eight. don't use my bed while I'm gone."

"oh, yoongi. now that you've said that, i have a sudden heated desire to use your bed for my uttermost pleasure." and yoongi snorts, opening the door. "you know, your parents' offer still stands."

"hmm. what would my parents think if they knew you're gay?"

"hey, remember when they forced us to date because they thought you were still a girl and a lesbian?"

"those were some wild times. i should have made you my bitch when i got the chance."

namjoon visibly winces at the vulgarity. "yoongi, you’re not the kind to make anyone your bitches in the first place,” he replies, using airquotes around the word ‘bitches’. “and sadly, i think that’s already been done. here i am, living with you and making you dinner.”

“you’re going to make me dinner?” yoongi’s eyes lit up. it's supposed to be their turn to cook tonight.

“yes, and then i'll throw it at your face.” namjoon exhales. “the things i do for you. anyways, i was ranked first in our school. gay or not, any parent would be bowing at my feet."

"look at this high-class nerd." yoongi laughs and tries to avoid namjoon's towel again. "well, i got to go then. intern shift today."

"remember, yoongi. you have to face your own parents one way or another. even if they're not as nice as jungsook's."

"i want army stew for dinner," they announce. yoongi doesn't even look at him when they salute goodbye, heading out the door. because if there has to be one topic that they hate talking about, it's their parents.

jungsook goes on her group talk with taehyung and jimin on kakao and types furiously asking them to come over at her house once yoongi leaves to work on an independent project. emergency friend meeting!! taehyung respectively replies with question marks and ㅠㅠ's because he just started playing this game he picked up today and didn't they just hang out at the pc bang yesterday? jimin is eager to comply, spamming the talk with ㅇㅂㅇ~'s and hearts.

later on, when jungsook explains, they sigh in unison and lower their heads.

"relationships seem so hard to handle," taehyung comments, putting one hand on his cheek. his eyes direct towards jungsook slicing up fruit for all of them. "i don't know how you guys can do it."

"you know, for someone who doesn't want to date anyone, you sure have good relationship advice," jimin remarks.

"that's because i save all my dating energy for helping you two with your dating problems."

jimin snorts. jungsook suppresses a smile. they all know taehyung has no interest or hidden desire to be in a relationship in the first place. it's nothing surprising, considering he's turned down every girl confessing to him in middle school and high school and will probably continue into university. i'm still going to be happy even if i'll be a single virgin for the rest of my life, taehyung had said with a shrug when the other two asked. you guys are already enough of a handful anyway.

"but you don't actually think yoongi's inviting you over for that, right? they promised you they wouldn't do that. they even promised us they wouldn't do that. and they have a roommate there. it'll be weird." jimin steals a piece of an apple and pops it into his mouth, ignoring jungsook's glare.

jungsook sets the plate of assorted fruit before them, handing them each a fork as her friends monotonously give their thanks. "but this is a golden opportunity for them to try that ... i don't know ... i don't even know what kind of parts they have."

taehyung lets a giggle escape. "parts."

"oh, go back to middle school, oppa."

"okay okay, i'll be serious." taehyung stuffs some watermelon into his mouth, chewing thoughtfully. "but jimin's right. yoongi promised."

"what? i'm right? oh my god, i'm right!" jimin exclaims and grabs his phone, a smug smile on his face. "i'm going to text hoseok hyung and tell him i got something right!" jungsook sighs at how odd her best friend can be. really, jimin had deserved that congratulatory party when he learned he got accepted into an arts university as a dance major. as talented as he was at dancing, his high school grades flopped.

"as you were saying...?" jungsook replies quietly, jabbing her fork in jimin's direction.

taehyung coughs awkwardly. "never mind. i brought the game. that one we were talking about in yesterday's talk? it has multiplayer." he waves around a small box. "i'm going to beat all your asses."

"no way!"

"not if i beat you first."

they all race for the tv in the living room and scramble to get the game disc in the proper system, laughter and playful jeers filling the air, the problem they had all gathered for long forgotten.

yoongi comes home bright-faced with newly found praise and dozens of shots taken in different angles and positions. they ignore the grim look on namjoon's face to at least pull off their boots and arrange them at the proper place near the door, sighing in relief now that they're in the comfort of barefootedness. the smell of gochujang wafts through the air.

"you're not looking too good there, namjoon," they remark calmly. "did the stew burn? did seokjin forget to bring a condom?"

"objection," seokjin exclaims from the tiny kitchenette. yoongi hears him chopping something up. leave it to namjoon to get his more culinary-inclined boyfriend to do the work.

"sustained." namjoon rubs the bridge of his nose and settles himself on the floor. "i don't understand why they keep on trying to call you."

"beats me." yoongi shrugs before escaping into their room to hang their camera up by the strap and change out of their outfit for something physically comfier. "what did they say this time?" they ask in a louder tone for him to hear.

"something about wanting you to visit again. and when i told them you didn't want to, they were so loud i had to keep the phone away from my ear."

yoongi lets out a brief loud 'ha' and steps out of the room. "they're being desperate. must be another family reunion coming up."

"do i put ramen noodles in?" seokjin asks, peeking out of the kitchen.

"there's one pack of udon in the fridge, top side shelf," namjoon replies then gestures yoongi to sit down. "yoongi, you have to face them somehow."

yoongi crosses their legs against the wooden planks, shaking their head. "they kicked me out when i was sixteen. what am i supposed to do? come back like nothing happened? am i supposed to come in and be like 'hello my darling family. let's talk about the nonexistent reasons as to why our relationship isn't dysfunctional.'"

"no, but that doesn't mean you should ignore them when they're trying."

"they're trying pathetically. i say no to seeing them."

"what if you take jungsook-ssi along with yo-"

"no." yoongi's answer is firm.

"why not? it's not like they're going to look at her and know-"

"namjoon, these are the same people who called me a dyke and countless other things until i finally came out to them. what makes you think it'll be any different if they meet jungsook?"

"jungsook's strong, yoongi. you said so yourself. countless times. you helped her."

yoongi doesn't answer immediately, their lips pursed into a thin line. "i just want her to be safe."

seokjin's coming out with a huge pot and a warm smile so namjoon scrambles to get a table set up. yoongi quickly takes the well-open opportunity to head over to the cabinets and drawers for silverware and bowls, and sits on their knees when they're all settled down.

and they eat like the conversation hadn't happened. namjoon leers over to yoongi from across the table, touching shoulders with seokjin, looking like he wants to finish it. yoongi figures he'll say something like you didn't let our classmates or anyone else get to you. it's time to stop letting your parents get to you too.

but it's hard. it's harder to overcome your own blood.

so yoongi finds an easier feat in stealing half of the udon noodles from the pot instead.

"i like it."

"you do?"

yoongi keeps their fingers interlocked on their walk down the streets, watching jungsook briefly close her eyes to take in the music coming out of the earbuds. they'd been worried for a second, having given her a song yoongi ripped out of themself after learning about their parents’ call, thinking she wouldn't like it. but seeing her smile and grin and relax like she's in serenity, it's making yoongi fall for her all over again.

"yeah ... the lyrics are really nice. you wrote them?"

"who else would?"

"they're nice." jungsook pauses. "it's weird hearing you sing."

"weird?" yoongi blinks, taken aback by the comment. "do i sing bad?"

"no ... kind of ... i don't know. your voice isn't well-suited for singing. it's still nice."

"maybe you should sing for me then."

they fall into an uncomfortable silence. jungsook props herself up onto the brick wall they've been walking by and lends a hand for yoongi to do the same. she clutches onto their phone as if she can absorb all the music that way, like she can just listen to them again in her head whenever she wants to so it can lull herself to sleep.

"you seem bothered, yoongi," jungsook whispers as she takes their hand, her eyes away from them. "did i do my makeup wrong or something?"

yoongi blinks in surprise, shocked to see that jungsook's noticed, shocked to see that she blames it all on herself. "what? no. fuck, no. jungsook, you look fine-" they lean over to touch her cheek before tugging at it gently. "you always look fine."

"you haven't been smiling a lot since we met up. you never not smile a lot. this is new ..." jungsook pulls the earbuds out of her ears. "... and it bothers me too."

"a lot of things have been happening. that's all."

"then tell me those things. i can be a good girlfriend."

jungsook's grown. she's really grown and you can see it in her face, her behavior, her words. she's prettier than she had been a year before. yoongi can write an entire song about how changed she's become, melody and lyrics on the verge of incoherency because they're at a loss for words at how amazing she is now. even when her voice is supposed to be deeper, she trains harder to make it higher. even when she's getting taller, she just jokingly buys yoongi higher insoles.

she's turning beautiful and she'll be eighteen in a few months for fuck's sake. she'll get to go on hormone replacement therapy by then-

"yoongi? are you listening?"

they snap out of their dazed stupor with a flick on the cheek thanks to jungsook. they blink back at each other once, twice, three times before yoongi's mouth opens wide enough to speak. "... my parents want me to visit."

"that's ... good, right?" jungsook puckers her lips when yoongi's face hardens. "i guess not."

"they kicked me out a while ago," yoongi explains, kicking at the air. "i dunno. i‘m lucky enough namjoon’s parents let me live with them after that. so for my parents who want me to see them again in daegu ..." their eyebrows furrow. "i don't know if i want to do that. it's hours away, and it might be a waste of time. i just-"

yoongi jumps, startled when jungsook suddenly rests her head against their nearest shoulder. their eyes soften at her, and they squeeze her hands gently. "jungsook?"

“i'll go with you."

"i ... what?"

"when you visit your parents ..." jungsook takes in a deep breath. "i'll be beside you."

yoongi swallows deeply, harsh and almost bitter down their throat. they reach to push her bangs out of her eyes with a small frown. they'd much rather think about trimming jungsook's fringe than even consider this idea. "you sure? i don't want them to scare you away or anything. they're not the nicest of parents. i hope you know that."

"if my dad ever comes back, i'll let you meet him," she abruptly says, lifting her head so that her forehead was gently pressing against theirs. it's an empty promise, she realizes that, but it's something. "... and ... i'll go to your apartment." now that's solid.

"but there's college students there," yoongi quietly teases, brushing noses together with a faint smile. eskimo kisses have always been a thing between them. they were cute.

"i said that because i was nervous, silly." but jungsook's smiling back, her palm smooth and soft against theirs. "i'll go to your apartment ... and then we can go on a trip to daegu. okay?"

yoongi mutely gives an obedient nod and inches closer, feeling her breath against their lips before they connect, the word 'okay' mouthed against her.

the apartment unit is small. jungsook is barely taking her first step in to slip her shoes off, already wondering how two people can be able to live comfortably in it. it isn't tiny, but it's certainly smaller than her older brother's apartment, which is too large for just one man and she remembers her parents always joking about how he should get a girlfriend to fill the space whenever they would stop by.

it hurts being reminded about her brother now.

"i thought you were joking about the schoolgirl fetish," is the first thing namjoon exhales out the moment his line of vision ends on jungsook, eyes wide.

yoongi raises their shoe threateningly, preparing to aim it in namjoon's general direction. "watch it, namjoon. these are ten-centimeter heels."

jungsook shrinks against yoongi, suddenly self-conscious now that she's come across namjoon. but yoongi's pressing into the small of her back now and making comforting circles the way they usually know to relax her. her eyes soften but she stays mute, quietly boring her eyes into namjoon's skull.

"she's scaring me a little," namjoon remarks with narrowed eyes but he's still smiling at her. "don't be shy. whatever yoongi said about me were probably lies."

"i love you too, namjoon dear," yoongi responds with exaggerated eyelash batting. they're still rubbing circles against her back.

"h-hi," jungsook manages to get out, chewing at her inner cheek. "i'm jeon jungsook. thank you for letting me into your home." the sentences sound robotic and monotonous but she bows her head nonetheless.

namjoon's already nodding and moving past them to put on his shoes, dragging his bag along with him. "you're cute, so it's okay," he replies, ignoring any of yoongi's snickers. "just don't do anything i would get pissed about."

"like have sex on your bed instead of mine?"

namjoon kicks at yoongi with a snarl. "that was one fucking time. let it go."

"hell no. i had to wash my sheets three times just to try to get the smell out. those sheets will forever reek l'eau de namjoon and seokjin."

"i bought you new ones!"

"still." namjoon frantically checks the time on his phone and curses to himself, shooting a glance at the two. “i’m going to be late,” he announces and in a rush, he pats jungsook’s shoulder sympathetically and tuts his lips, shaking his head. “good luck with this person. they were a pain to date.”

“hey-” before yoongi can continue, or at least throw the high heel at namjoon, the door is immediately opened and slammed closed, leaving them and jungsook by themselves. but jungsook’s already walking around the main room, her eyes looking everywhere until they finally land on the antique-looking couch, and she settles into it even though it sinks under her weight. “so? what do you think?”

“how old is this couch?” jungsook asks curiously.

“beats me. we found it on the street.” though yoongi pauses at jungsook’s surprised look, scrambling for an explanation. “we cleaned it, of course. there’s nothing wrong with it, i don’t think.”

jungsook just nods and continues to glance around, quiet and still. funny, seeing as she’s the one who’s supposed to be the nervous one, while yoongi’s hands were practically trembling behind their back. they’re grateful that their girlfriend -- god, yoongi’s so lame sometimes they still giggle to themself whenever they think of jungsook as their girlfriend, so much for being cool -- doesn’t seem to notice, or maybe she’s just pretending.

“you know, there’s still-” yoongi nods their head over to one of the doors. “-my room.”

“i don’t know if i’m ready for your room.”

but yoongi is careful and jungsook easily pliant, and the assuring smile on yoongi's face is nothing else but promising. she feels her datefriend touching her palms, then her fingers, and they easily fill the gaps in between but not without kissing the knuckles. she shivers, but it's enough to get her off the couch and walking across the room. her heart is leaping out of her chest now, and god, she's sure she's going to have cardiac arrest or something.

yoongi's room is a lot smaller than she expected, and that's saying something knowing she's seen the general area. there's only enough room for their bed, a nightstand, and a desk. the built-in closet catches her attention. it's sure to be bigger than it looks on the outside, coming from the endless amount of outfit combinations yoongi can put together. it's making her even more nervous now, since there's not much to distract her from the twin-sized bed.

"say cheese."

the words has jungsook looking up from the lumpy mattress and there's a sudden click followed by a brief burst of light. yoongi's laughing at the incredulous look scattered onto her face to the point that they're cracking up, even when she's lunging for them with flustering pink cheeks. that just makes them laugh harder. and put their well-trained reflexes to good use while they dodge every attempt for jungsook to take their camera away.

"delete that. now." jungsook's swinging fists lightly at yoongi's chest.

"look. you look pretty," yoongi chokes out in between laughs, barely showing the small screen previewing the image. it almost looks like they're about to die they're laughing so hard.

"when i agreed to come into your room, this wasn't what i had in mind," jungsook grumbled, the last word coming out as an almost-growl.

"i know," they reply curtly, sitting on the bed and wiping down the lens with a soft microfiber cloth. "this is way better, right?"

and jungsook's throwing herself at them, the camera bouncing to some other place on the mattress. yoongi's opening their mouth to complain, or speak up about it at least, but jungsook is soft and pretty against their lips. jungsook is soft and pretty as a whole. yoongi's hands smooth against the sides of her shirt, making relaxing yet lazy circles near places they know jungsook wishes to have curves at, relishing in the beauty that is jeon jungsook regardless.

yoongi knows she likes this best because jungsook is arching her back into them, her breath shaky and slightly uncontrollable against plush lips. it's even better when yoongi sneaks their fingers underneath the soft material and continues to make circles against bare skin and god, her whimpers are embarrassing.

jungsook's probably bunching up their skirt with her knees, clumsy on where her legs go and where to reach with her hands. but yoongi doesn't give a damn. not when there's tongue getting involved now. jungsook is still shy and inviting when it comes to this part, her movements slow but steady. yoongi is briefly reminded of the first time where she nearly bit off their tongue, but she's already pulling away and leaving yoongi at a loss for words.

"jungsook...?" still dazed and clouded by her lips, yoongi wets their own as they both try to catch their breath. but they jerk up when they realize jungsook's body is shaking again, immediately holding their arms out to cradle her against them. "shh. it's okay. it's going to be okay."

"am i a prude?" the words are muffled by yoongi's shirtfront. if anything could make yoongi frown, it's their parents ... and jungsook being upset.

"who told you that?" yoongi asks firmly. but jungsook is still shaking, so they have to keep rubbing her back. "was it a guy? someone told you that, didn't they? i'll will beat them up for you, okay? those heels i wore were sharp."

jungsook just shakes her head. thinking of the right thing to say is useless in this game of chase. a game where yoongi is taking and taking, but jungsook pulls away before they can give anything back. the thought registers and makes her shake more.

"we don't have to do anything." yoongi brushes her hair away from her forehead, pressing their lips there. "i won't pressure you at all. you know that, right?"

"i just ... what are your intentions with me anyway?"

"well, i'm not dating you just so i can sleep with you. jesus, jungsook. i don't even want to do that. ever."

they what.

they notice the incredulous look on jungsook's face with raised eyebrows. "did ... did i not tell you i'm asexual? i mean, this is my limit."

"you never did ..."

"oh. that's really important info actually." yoongi stares at her with a straight face. "no sex."

all jungsook can ever do is nod, flushing in embarrassment. they stay like that for a while with nothing to say, with yoongi's arms a paradise from jungsook's chaos and her tall slim body settling in their lap.

"so ... this is my room."

and jungsook actually laughs, her eyes trailing down to their lips. there's more silence before yoongi's pressing in to kiss jungsook again.

yoongi came home from cram school to her parents arguing and smoothed out her pleated skirt, ready to take the steps to her own room so she could drown the background noise out. but she paused, froze in mid-step when she hears her own name, a name that she didn't want to possess, a feeling she couldn't figure out. she pressed against the thin walls and struggled to overhear the conversation.

"first the hair, now this? is she crazy?"

yoongi recognized the voice to be her mother's, fists clenched against her sides. she hits her head lightly against the wall, not wanting to listen anymore but her feet were practically glued to the planks.

"she's barely started high school and she wants to mess around with this trash?" that was her father's voice now. "just because she has an older brother gives her no right to be playing around with her future."

the ruffling of papers suddenly made yoongi anxious, more anxious than the way those dreaded pronouns settled in the pits of her stomach. that's her fucking music. she's just about tempted to run over and grab the sheets right out of her parents' hands because, fuck them. no way was she going to become some secretary or white-collared worker and live dully for the rest of her life. cutting her hair short was equally her choice as pursuing music was. how dare her parents try to judge that?

the moment she heard a rip, an animalistic sound released from her and she lunged for the papers, snatching them. she hugged them to her chest desperately and tried to run away but her mother was already pulling at her hair. the obscenities and negativity sunk into her skin. tears pricked at her eyes. but she yelled back all she could, and the sound of the hand making contact with her cheek resonated in the house.

yoongi jerks awake from their sleep and sits up, heavily breathing. they run their hands through their hair, quivering from the sudden dream. they hadn't dreamt about their parents in ages, their existence a floating wisp in the back of their head until that damn namjoon decided to tell them about the call. there's some shifting underneath them and tugging at their shirt. they nearly forgot that jungsook is sleeping over.

jungsook lies there tiredly, half-lidded eyes filled with sleep, and yoongi's heart skips a beat at how delicate she looks. she's still drowsily tugging at their shirt, trying to pull them back down with her.

"are you okay...?" she's the one asking now, and suddenly yoongi feels more vulnerable than they already are. god. they swallow deep down their throat. "what is it...?"

yoongi shakes their head and soothes jungsook back to sleep with a stroke of her hair and a kiss on the forehead. it's enough to alleviate jungsook of her worry and lull her back to sleep. it's enough for yoongi to stop panicking and lie down with her curled around them.

"you have got to be kidding me," yoongi exhales, teeth snarling at the five unnecessary bodies in tow.

jungsook stands abashedly on the front of the van, playing with her hands. of course yoongi would expect her to be present, but they certainly doesn't expect the rest of their friends to tag along. especially since this is supposed to be a personal two-people-only kind of thing. but namjoon and seokjin are doing rock-paper-scissors for who drives and who takes shotgun. jimin is jumping up and down beside hoseok, who's hopping just as fervent. taehyung is bashing away at buttons on some handheld game console, allowing jungsook to watch over his shoulder.

"road trip!" jimin exclaims excitedly.

god.

yoongi's been grouchy ever since they entered the car, shoulders slouched and arms crossed against their chest. well, their arms would be crossed, if not for jungsook's hand laced with theirs as a way to calm the older one down. they still shoot daggers with their eyes at the back of namjoon's skull, who's happily driving with seokjin singing along to girl's day in the passenger seat. "that was supposed to be just me and jungsook in those seats," they state stiffly at a red light.

"hey now. we're all splitting the gas money here. we're doing you a favor," namjoon simply says, tapping his fingers against the steering wheel. seokjin's getting louder now that female president's started playing. namjoon just quietly pats at his hand.

"i hope you realize my parents' house isn't big enough for any of you."

"we already thought of that, yoongi-ssi! that's why we already reserved rooms at the hotel nearby!" jimin explains with a grin from the backseat, all wrapped around hoseok.

“lighten up a little, yoongi,” hoseok speaks up. “it’s just a little bonding between all of us. things like this make us closer you know?”

no. i don’t know. i just wanted to have some alone time with jungsook.

jungsook's too occupied with the pokemon game in taehyung's hands, mouth open in a small 'o' in the midst of taehyung battling the first of the elite four, both of them making small victorious sounds at a direct hit or a complete first-move k.o. but the squeeze against yoongi's palm is enough to show that she still wants them to relax, to just accept the fate now that there's no turning back.

"i think it'll be easier if they came along too," jungsook says softly and it takes a while for yoongi to register that the sentence is directed to them. she hadn't done her usual morning routine for the sake of not having to adjust every few hours during the long car ride. the dress she's wearing is a bit baggy-looking at the top so yoongi leans over to adjust it, lips pursed tightly together. jungsook glances over to give a small smile, which yoongi gladly returns.

seokjin is practically yelling out the lyrics and jimin and hoseok decide to tag along, all of them screaming out while trying to match girl's day's pitch. namjoon just hums along, driving leisurely. that guy probably has plugs in his ears and internally refuses to give yoongi any, that shit.

“we have a female president!”

“why so serious? what’s the problem?”

“if a girl kisses first, she gets arrested or what?”

"sweet! i beat malva!" taehyung shouts out and jungsook cheers alongside him.

yoongi grumbles and lets go of jungsook’s hand to take out their headphones, sliding the volume bar on their phone to the highest level so that their latest instrumental drowns everything out. they slip out their notebook and open to a page half-full of words, a click of a pen commencing their work. they might as well if they’re going to ignore everything else.

maybe yoongi should have changed their mind. maybe they should have stayed in the car with jungsook and tagged along with the others in whatever they were planning to do in daegu. seokjin promised he'd buy them clothes, but he might not understand their taste in fashion. they should have come along with them. maybe they shouldn't have planned this whole thing in the first place.

because there is nothing welcoming with the way yoongi is greeted by false smiles and lingering looks over jungsook beside them. they dump their bags before their parents, bitter and upset by the two's presence. their parents don't react horribly of course, still all smiles that seem too stiff to be real. jungsook's clinging onto their arm, barely murmuring out a polite greeting with a slight bow of her head.

"welcome home, yoongi," is the first thing their mother says.

funny, since she's never called them that at all before they left.

"so? how much is she giving you for doing all this?" yoongi's mother asks sweetly one night over the dinner table, which makes yoongi's knee slam against the bottom of the table. jungsook barely flinches at both the question and the gesture.

"... excuse me?" jungsook pipes up. she watches yoongi give her this distressed look before her eyes flicker back to their mother folding her hands with that passive-aggressive smile of hers that yoongi warned her about.

yoongi's eyes searched around the room quickly, not looking at their mother. it was going so well, it had only been a few days, god damn it--

"well, surely you don't actually believe you're a girl, are you?" she doesn't notice jungsook's hands clenching into fists against her lap. she doesn't notice yoongi practically snarling at her. "you may be pretty, but it's obvious what you really are."

yoongi's already getting up from the table but jungsook rushes to settle them down. "... i'm a girl, eomeoni."

"you are a boy, jungsook. is that even your real name? what is your real name anyway? i bet it's better-fitting than jungsook."

"eomeoni, i'm a girl." jungsook remains strong, though her lip is quivering just the slightest. "my name is jungsook."

"you can't fool me. i've had a daughter trying to tell me she's not a girl for years. surely she's paying you so that she'll show me that she's not the only one who wants to be a freak."

"mother--!!" yoongi darts their eyes around frantically, seeing their mother never breaking eye contact with jungsook, seeing jungsook pale before their eyes, seeing their father not caring at all. "mother, i swear to god, if you say any more rude things to her--"

"swear to god?" their mother's scowling at them now, matching yoongi's. "if you had just let god guide you, you wouldn't do this. you wouldn't force this poor young man into your pathetic sick wishes." it's almost like she hissed out the words, ruthless and cold. and usually yoongi would snarl back, just as ruthless and cold.

but it's the last straw for yoongi.

before they know it, before jungsook can even try and stop them, they're out of their chair, putting on their shoes, and running out in a blur. damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it--

fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck.

yoongi finds themself dry heaving at the end of the street at 4am, their appearance dimmed by the flickering street light hovering over them. tears blur their vision and they feel like crouching down and curling up into a protective ball for feeling so stupid. so much for showing jungsook they were strong. so much for hoping their parents would actually be accepting.

they fail to initially hear the clacking of footsteps headed in their direction until they spot a familiar skirt at the corner of their eye and glance upwards to meet jungsook. she just stares down at them, expression unreadable, only to just sit down at the edge of the curb.

both of them share an uncomfortable silence. it was only after a few minutes that yoongi shakily mumbles out, "i'm sorry."

"for what?" jungsook's tone is gentle, calm, and it easily lures yoongi to sit beside her.

"running out like that."

jungsook hums a distant tune for a moment before shaking her head. "you don't need to be sorry about that. i would do the same thing."

"you don't understand. i," yoongi pauses, hiding their face between their knees. "i'm being hypocritical. i give you all these speeches to overcome what people tell you, but i can't even overcome this."

"that's not being hypocritical."

"yes it is."

"no. that's being human."

“i don’t need them-- i got top surgery without their help-- i spent years living without them and i’m fine--”

“yoongi, you don’t seem fine right now.”

yoongi doesn't say anything, leading jungsook to roll her eyes and heave a sigh. she scoots closer to them and wraps her arms around their curled up figure, resting her head on their shoulder. they raise their head, looking over to her nervously. "what are you doing?"

"comforting you. what else?" jungsook lifts her head up high enough for her lips to reach their cheek. "girlfriends do that, i'm pretty sure." she's teasing, coming from her smug smile, and yoongi does laugh.

"... a year of comforting you," yoongi muses, their eyes trailing up to the half-moon barely peeking out of the polluted clouds. "and now you're the one comforting me."

jungsook's arms shift to curl around yoongi's, clinging to their side. "it happens."

"weren't you scared back there? from all those things they said about you?" the words come out more as a whisper than anything.

"maybe a year ago i would be ... but i'm not anymore," jungsook murmurs and closes her eyes. "it's okay, yoongi. you don't have to get over this now. not yet. there's no rush."

"this was my final chance with them."

"mmm ... not exactly. you'll say that now but you can always come back and see them again. we still have to sleep at their house."

"no. we're not. we're grabbing our bags and going to the hotel the others are staying at."

"okay. fair enough. we can do that."

more silence.

yoongi tries to open their mouth but she shushes them before they can say anything, her voice dwindling to an equal whisper. "... i want to tell you something ... my father called."

yoongi whips their head towards her. "what?"

a weak smile formed on jungsook's features as she slides her arms away and lets them rest against her sides. "i didn't want to tell you yet ... but he called. my mom, i mean. he ... he didn't mention me or anything. but my older brother's almost done with his army service soon, and ... well ... he wants to be there with us to greet him back."

"so you'll see him again?" yoongi sits up straight, eyes wide in surprise.

"i think i want to try and fix things with him. i never got the chance to." jungsook locks eyes with them, biting on her lower lip. "i'll introduce you to him. i'll try, even though i'm scared out of my mind and--"

yoongi doesn't have to say anything to that, not verbally at least, eyes never straying away from jungsook. and they don't know what's causing their heart to swell on the verge of bursting, but they slowly cup her face and pull her into them, resting their forehead on hers. jungsook's fingers rest along their neck, dancing down their skin and taking them in.

what is yoongi supposed to say? that they loved her? that they're proud she's matured so much? that they're sorry this isn't their usual self? they didn't know, but it's like jungsook got all three messages at once because she's now holding their hands so tight.

jungsook's the first to pull away, her fingers smooth against theirs. "will you try with yours?"

the memories of screaming, and lack of belonging, and countless occurances of misgendering flash in yoongi's mind so vividly they're close to declining. but they look to jungsook, who's sitting up straight after mentioning her father, stronger than they currently are. their fingers flex for her hand and curl around the tips, squeezing for support. "... yeah. maybe. i don't know."

"just one more time. and if they still don't want to try, you have every right to give up on them," and her lips finally twitch into an assuring smile. "let's go back inside and get our stuff, okay? you don't have to talk to them tonight. not this time."

"yeah." because what else can yoongi say?

nothing. because on the way back, they realize they don't need to come in. all their bags were already thrown out into the yard by the time they came around.

on the way back to seoul late at night, everyone else rave about their adventures. a bag full of clothes is plopped onto yoongi's lap that came with seokjin's kind smile. they just mumble out a sheepish 'thanks', returning the smile with a barely there grin. jimin and taehyung go on and on about their story with this really cool street performer who wanted to do a dance off against hoseok, and for the first half of trip, everyone's buzzed with energy. for the trip back, the playlist is completely a-pink thanks to jungsook and even yoongi sings along despite themself.

by the second half, everyone's exhausted but namjoon and seokjin, but even they've dwindled into inaudible whispers sent to each other for the sake of the rest of the group sleeping. yoongi's barely awake, struggling to keep their eyes open, and they're sure jungsook's practically passed out beside them. guessing from how loose her fingers were around theirs.

their eyes skirt over her, and she doesn't appear at all feminine at this moment, wearing her old clothes because she complained that wearing a dress for so long in the car was still hard, looking comfortable nonetheless. still a girl nonetheless.

yoongi remembers the day they had encountered her on their morning walk, face subdued from watching the sunrise. they remember just how adoring she looked, backpack in tow and her skirt fluttering in the spring air. it wasn't love at first sight, it wasn't love yet. but the adam's apple was clear as day once yoongi came closer, bobbing in a nervous jungsook's throat. they never said anything. they didn't want to say anything. and they played along with jungsook's whims as if they didn't know, not like it actually mattered.

maybe it was truly risky to fall for someone so young, so promising. they were four years apart, for fuck's sake. yoongi had spent nights cradling their face in their hands over this, not knowing just what led up to this, what led up to them wanting jungsook to be by their side when they watch the sunrise, longing for jungsook to be walking alongside them in the early dawn, desiring for her to be happy.

but when they saw jungsook walking to their usual meeting place from the other direction, her eyes brightening at the sight of them, it reminded them that things were okay.

maybe neither of them will ever fit into society's expectations. maybe people like them won't get as much awareness as they'd like. maybe they'll continue to exist as another taboo for the majority of korea to ignore. and maybe they won't have a permanent place in each other's lives in the future, as much as yoongi would like to think that possibility is impossible.

but yoongi knows it's certain that they'll proudly walk down their paths together while they can in the present.