(no subject)
The good news is that I can finally, at least, get distracted (i.e. reading a book from beginning to end, watching a movie) and I started eating again. Thr bad news is, my brain is still stuck. I feel as if someone trapped me in some glass ball full of soapy water and made it roll downhill. Most of the day I go on automatically, and suddenly I have this pang of hollow ache thinking that she chose someone else and I was nothing to her, I was some bump im the road. My only consolation is that I have a job I'll be able to buy myself a lot of things with,and that my thesis is going to be published as soon as I touch it up. I'm independent, I'm an adult. I will be distracted no matter I want it or not, because I will be working 8 hours a day... to cme back to my tiny empty flat. I always thought we were special to each other, and that we had a connection other people didn't have, and we were very lucky that we managed to find one another, and it literally breaks my heart to realise I was wrong, that I was not woth it, for her, the way she was for me. There are some moments during the day when the thought strikes something inside my sternum and I start crying until I want to throw up, even though not as badly as before.
I was reading some psychology articles that say that sometimes people do come back after having a lot of other experiences, because, at sme point in life, the only way to save things is a complete parting of the ways... and there is this tiny part inside of me that thinks that maye, just maybe, someday she is going to grow and realise that thing we had was better, was significant... and then I think her new boyfriend is a man, is a friend among the circle of friends she never wanted me to be a part of, and then I think why should she want to look back, if my disability was such an explicit inconvenience to her? Why should she, if she xan have whoever she wants, with legs? I was a nuisance to her. I threw 4 years of my life into the toilet. I wanted to share things with her, to share the beauty of the world I see around me, and I was treated like shit from the person that meant most to me. Now not only people do not stand up to the comparison, but the world means nothing to me. I was always moved by something, anuything, I was always ready to see good in anything, and now I feel nothing. I like nothing. I feel no sense of adventure anymore. I can't write anymore. It was my means to express my own curiosity towards people, sex, the world, it had become a thing I shared my feelings for her with, and now there's simply no chord to strike. I used to joke that I would die young, but now I'm actually afraid, because I can't see myself reaching 40. My life is made of literally nothing. My life has emptied like a glass of water, while she has a completely brand new life I'm no part of.
I'm starting a fashion blog and I had fun today during the photoshoot, now I came home, thought "now what" and started crying uncontrollably. I have lost my best friend, the person I was most happy to tell things to, not only a girlfriend. I lost another family I thought I loved me very much, and what's worse is that I don't want to meet new people. I'm not really excited about the job, either, what becalms me is just the money coming from it, and what kept me afloat was the thought that I had a slim chance to enter my History PhD, but it turns out they didn't even consider me for the interview, because, apparenly, the same English C2 certificate they had approved me last year for the laboratories isn't recognised any longer. I know I wouldn't have gotten in anyway, but at least I was happy to expose my project in front of the committee after all the work I put into it, I didn't really care about the outcome.
I don't honestly know where I'm going, I'm depressed and terrified. I know I must sound very spoiled and whiny, but I really don't know anything about my life right now. I dream about her and my father almost every night, and I jolt awake every morning at six. For a split second I have to remind myself I broke up with her and that my dad died almost 14 years ago, and I just stand there, dumbfounded. Then I find something to distract me, then I find myself waiting for... for her, I suppose.
What can I expect from my life?
I was reading some psychology articles that say that sometimes people do come back after having a lot of other experiences, because, at sme point in life, the only way to save things is a complete parting of the ways... and there is this tiny part inside of me that thinks that maye, just maybe, someday she is going to grow and realise that thing we had was better, was significant... and then I think her new boyfriend is a man, is a friend among the circle of friends she never wanted me to be a part of, and then I think why should she want to look back, if my disability was such an explicit inconvenience to her? Why should she, if she xan have whoever she wants, with legs? I was a nuisance to her. I threw 4 years of my life into the toilet. I wanted to share things with her, to share the beauty of the world I see around me, and I was treated like shit from the person that meant most to me. Now not only people do not stand up to the comparison, but the world means nothing to me. I was always moved by something, anuything, I was always ready to see good in anything, and now I feel nothing. I like nothing. I feel no sense of adventure anymore. I can't write anymore. It was my means to express my own curiosity towards people, sex, the world, it had become a thing I shared my feelings for her with, and now there's simply no chord to strike. I used to joke that I would die young, but now I'm actually afraid, because I can't see myself reaching 40. My life is made of literally nothing. My life has emptied like a glass of water, while she has a completely brand new life I'm no part of.
I'm starting a fashion blog and I had fun today during the photoshoot, now I came home, thought "now what" and started crying uncontrollably. I have lost my best friend, the person I was most happy to tell things to, not only a girlfriend. I lost another family I thought I loved me very much, and what's worse is that I don't want to meet new people. I'm not really excited about the job, either, what becalms me is just the money coming from it, and what kept me afloat was the thought that I had a slim chance to enter my History PhD, but it turns out they didn't even consider me for the interview, because, apparenly, the same English C2 certificate they had approved me last year for the laboratories isn't recognised any longer. I know I wouldn't have gotten in anyway, but at least I was happy to expose my project in front of the committee after all the work I put into it, I didn't really care about the outcome.
I don't honestly know where I'm going, I'm depressed and terrified. I know I must sound very spoiled and whiny, but I really don't know anything about my life right now. I dream about her and my father almost every night, and I jolt awake every morning at six. For a split second I have to remind myself I broke up with her and that my dad died almost 14 years ago, and I just stand there, dumbfounded. Then I find something to distract me, then I find myself waiting for... for her, I suppose.
What can I expect from my life?