First Mistake, Part One
Fandom: UKISS
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: JaeVin, ElVin (mentioned)
Chapter: 1/1 (Oneshot)
Word Count: 16,496
Summary: As Kevin and Eli’s relationship cools off, Kevin finds himself missing something he’s never had the chance to experience. Making a decision he knows that he will regret, he goes to confront AJ to see if there are better options available to him, even if he only wants those options for a single night.
Notes: A prequel to Ky Johnson's story "His."
There's no going back now. I'm already standing in front of his door, staring at my fingers on the cool metal. I've knocked twice, but I don't think anybody is home. Maybe that's a good thing. I mean, I've made my decision, but it's a mistake. I know that I shouldn't be here. I can't be here. And yet, here I am.
The apartment is silent. Nobody seems to be moving inside. The only thing I can hear is the buzzing insect that's circling the outside light, keeping me company while I try to talk myself out of this. It's not too late. If I turn around and walk away right now, I can still go home. Or I could go over to Eli's apartment. He's been distant lately, but maybe tonight he'd let me get closer the way that I need. Only, he wouldn't, and I know it. That's part of why I'm here, isn't it? I'm taking a chance, standing in front of Jaeseop's door. I made this choice. This is a mistake, but it's one I need to make.
Two minutes pass, then three. Maybe he really isn't home. That might be the universe's way of stopping me from doing something stupid before I can regret it. After all, if he doesn't answer the door, then I can't screw up any worse than I already have by coming here.
But I want him to answer. If I didn't, I wouldn't be here. I need to know the answer to the one question that has occupied my mind for the past month. Now that I have the courage to find out, there's a part of me that doesn't want to leave before I can find out.
And yet, maybe I should just leave. I should. He isn't answering the door, and I shouldn't even be here. Yes, I think I should just go. A quick breath, and I turn to leave.
"Kevin?"
Jaeseop's voice and the sound of the door opening hit my ears at the same time. I freeze. He is home. I didn't even know that I was tense, but a knot tightens in my stomach, telling me otherwise. I came here, but I'm not really sure what to do. What are you supposed to say in a situation like this?
"Hi." It's a single word, but it's the best I can come up with on short notice.
My eyes find his bare feet as I turn around to face him, feeling sheepish. I'm feeling conflicted just being here. That must translate into some sort of my distress on my face, I guess, because he takes a half-step towards me and holds out a hand like he thinks I need to be steadied or something.
"Are you okay?" The first thing he says other than my name and it's concern. Of course. I'm not sure what else I was expecting. "Is something going on?"
Yeah, something's going on. Me. If it was anything unimportant, I would have called. He knows that. I'm sure that if I glanced up at his face, I'd see confusion there.
What am I supposed to tell him about why I'm here? That I was feeling lonely? That's the truth, but there's more to it. I can just imagine what he might say if I told him that I regret never finding out what it was like to actually let him close. I'm sure he'd have plenty of words for that, but I don't. I tried to rehearse a speech on my way over here, or maybe dig up a good excuse. I failed miserably at both, and I can't tell him the truth. I'll do the same thing I've been doing to myself every night: I'll lie.
"We broke up." The words leave my mouth before I can think them through all the way. I wince. That's the worst lie I could possibly tell, but maybe it's the only one that could explain why I'm here.
Silence. Then, "You and Eli?"
Does he think I'm dating more than one person or something?
"Yeah."
That single word burns as it leaves my tongue. Lying through my teeth shouldn't be this easy. I have no illusions about what I'm doing. I'm betraying Eli just by being here. The reasons why I'm here make it that much worse. Jaeseop doesn't know. He has no idea. I'm lying to him, too.
Does he suspect? He might. He's smart, and it's not like I've ever come to him when I've needed help or support. There is no reason for me to be here unless I have some hidden purpose. We were closer when uBEAT was in full swing, but when Eli and I got together, my other friendships fell by the wayside. So did whatever I had with Jaeseop. Our pretend friendship couldn't hold water when he wanted something I couldn't give him. Something that I've started to miss in the past few weeks.
Taking a chance, I look up at him. He's thinking, clearly. He doesn't look skeptical, just confused. There's some worry there, too. Rather than respond quickly, he just steps back and holds the door open for me. I must look worse than I thought.
There has always been someone else with me whenever I've been in Jaeseop's apartment. Whether it's the rest of the group, or just Eli, I've never been alone with him here. We're standing in his living room, in the small entryway between his living room and dining area. I barely have the sense to toe my shoes off as I look around. Even though I felt pretty confident coming here, I don't know what to do now that I'm actually talking to him.
"Are you hungry?" he asks uncertainly. I don't think he has any idea of what to do, either. "Or do you need a drink or something?"
Food fixes everything, apparently. Or maybe it's just hospitality, but it doesn't really feel like it.
"I'm fine." That's a lie, too, but I didn't come here to snack. "I ate a little while ago."
He doesn't say anything in response. He just takes a couple of steps towards me, trying to figure me out. I can tell that he wants to help. I've told him my problem, but he probably has no idea where to begin with trying to make me feel better. That's my fault, my choice. I've made a lot of bad choices tonight. I don't know where what I'm doing now ranks on the list, but it's probably up there. What would he do if he knew?
"Are you sure?" He doesn't believe me. "I could fix something."
I appreciate that he's trying to help. He's trying to find some way to do so that doesn't cross the boundaries I've established. Something that doesn't come across as too friendly or more than friendly. I've pushed him away for years. Now, I'm starting to wonder how much of this distance between us is permanent.
Jaeseop hasn't pushed for anything. Not for a couple of years. When Eli and I got together, he backed off. He hasn't said a word about his own feelings, or whatever opinions he might have of our relationship. He's been nothing but respectful of our relationship, giving us our space. That should make me happy. It did make me happy for a while. I felt like I had finally triumphed over his ridiculous obsession with me.
Only now, I'm not happy about it. I haven't been for a while. There has been something growing in the empty spaces between us as Eli has pulled away from me. It's been gradual, over the space of a few months. Rather than missing Eli, I started to miss someone else instead. Jaeseop.
I shouldn't feel this way. I shouldn't want to know what it would be like to have him care about me like that. But I do, and I don't like seeing him look as uneasy around me as he does now. I'm not sure how to fix that. No matter what I've begun to want, I'm not sure if this is something that should be fixed.
"It's okay," I reply, unable to temper my own emotional response. "I'm not hungry, I just..."
"You're hurting," he guesses.
He's right, but not for the reasons that he thinks. Moving slowly, he steps closer, still looking at little lost. It's only a couple of steps, but I imagine that I can feel some of the warmth coming off him. I should be overheating; it was burning hot outside, and his air conditioning sucks, but I still kind of want to lean into him. Instead, I hug myself to keep my hands out of trouble.
He doesn't move any closer. He just stays where he is, watching me with confusion. "Kevin, why are you here? Not that I'm complaining."
"I didn't want to be alone."
That's my first honest response of the night, and it seems to take all of the strength out of me. I came here with a purpose, or at least a general idea of what I wanted. Now that I'm here, it's so much harder to act on what I'm feeling than I thought it would be. I can't look at him anymore. Instead, I stare at his floor. It's becoming a habit. He really needs to sweep.
Warm hands on my shoulders catch me off-guard as Jaeseop pulls me into a hug. It's only when my face is pressed against the shoulder of his t-shirt that I realize why he's holding me. I'm crying. I don't even know when it started, only that I can't seem to stop. Even though I came here for this reason, I should still be protesting the warmth of his arms, or the fact that he's trying to hold me close, but I can't. He is warm, and his arms are a comfort. That's exactly what I need right now.
He doesn't seem to notice my uneasiness. When I jerk away from him a little, he just shifts on his feet and settles me back against his shoulder. His hand is warm through my shirt, rubbing soothing circles against my back. Maybe it's cooler in here than I thought, because that actually feels good right now.
"I'm sorry you're hurting," he tells me in a quiet voice. "What can I do to help?"
He doesn't know that the reason I'm crying has nothing to do with the excuse that I have given him. I'm not crying because Eli and I broke up. I'm crying because I've lied to him. Eli and I haven't split. Eli is probably sitting at home, lounging on his couch and watching some too-loud TV show that I should be watching with him. He has no idea what I'm doing. If he did, he would be hurting, too.
I can't think about Eli. Not tonight, not right now. Not with the reasons for my being here floating around in my mind like so much poison. I don't want to hurt him. I just want... more than he will give me, and he has just become a casualty of my own neediness. That thought is enough to make me flinch, retroactive regret making me second-guess myself.
In an instant, I've pulled away completely and folded in on myself. Jaeseop is staring at me. He has no idea why I've just pulled away, or what I'm thinking.
"What's wrong?" He's still asking things like that as though I shouldn't be walking away. Jaeseop really is a good guy. He gives his all to whatever has his attention. Right now, that seems to be me. I think it's been me for a while, and that's part of why...
"I'm lying." The words are an admission, quiet but honest. They don't lift any of the weight from my shoulders, or make me feel any better, but they needed to be said.
"What do you mean?"
He doesn't try to get closer to me again. He just stays where I left him, standing uselessly a few feet away. I wish he would come closer. I wish I could answer him. I don't like keeping secrets from the people who really matter. Telling him the truth would be an immense relief. But I can't. Even thinking about telling him is ridiculous. Just thinking about the words, they're impossible. Would I tell him that my boyfriend has been ignoring me, and that when he doesn't, it's not his fingers I keep wanting to feel on my skin? No, I can't do that. Those are carefully guarded secrets. I can't let him that close, and I won't.
And even if I did, what are the chances that he wouldn't hate me? Jaeseop isn't the sort of person to betray one of his friends. Not like this. And especially not when the person I'm stabbing in the back is Eli. I could give myself so many excuses as to why I'm doing this, or justify my presence here with pretty words, but the effort would be pointless. I know what I'm doing, and I wish that I had come here under different circumstances. If Jaeseop had any idea, he wouldn't even be talking to me right now. Between Eli and the way that I've treated Jaeseop over the past few years, he shouldn't even have asked me to come inside.
"Why are you doing this?" A question instead of answering his. The words are steadier than I feel, maybe because they're sincere. I want to understand. "Why are you being so nice to me?"
Rocking forward on his toes, Jaeseop presses his lips together in a thin line as he thinks. He looks like he wants to touch me again. I'm not sure if I want him to or not. Rather than taking that easy step towards me, however, he just frowns. "Isn't that what I'm supposed to do? I'm your friend, and you're obviously having a rough night."
Yes, that's what any good friend would do. Any good friend except this one. I just told him that Eli and I broke up. I showed up uninvited at his house with news like that, and he asked me inside and gave me a hug. He's Eli's friend, too. He's Eli's best friend. Shouldn't he be angry at me? Shouldn't he have some reaction, any reaction, other than this? The fact that he's standing there, looking at me with that expression on his face, makes no sense. Why is he worrying about me when someone more important to him is hurting, too? Even if it's not true, that's what he thinks.
"I haven't heard from Eli," he says, guessing accurately at my thoughts. "But you're here, now, and I'm worried about you."
"Yeah, I'm here." The obvious.
"I don't really get why you're here, but if you came to me..." He doesn't finish his sentence. There's that step I've been waiting for him to take. I can feel his fingers reaching out, brushing across the fabric of my t-shirt, but he doesn't try to rest his hand on my shoulder again. I wish that he would. When he was holding me, all of the confusion and heartache that I feel had vanished momentarily.
There's no point in avoiding my reasons for coming here any longer. Maybe I should just tell him.
"You..."
His fingers rest lightly on my shoulder, a slight improvement. "Me?" he says quietly.
"You're the reason that I'm here." That's a lot harder to say than I thought it would be. His hand tenses on my shirt.
"What do you mean?" If I had thought that he might understand automatically, I'm out of luck. He doesn't. He's asking. Or maybe he just wants clarification, I'm not sure.
"The reason that Eli and I broke up," I start, feeding the lie, "is because of you. Because lately, he's just been kind of distant, and I wanted... and I want..."
The hand on my shoulder vanishes so quickly that I can't help but look up. I've somehow avoided looking at his face, but it's impossible to miss the way he's looking at me now. He still looks worried, but now he looks unhappy, too.
He looks away, shaking his head. "Is that why you're here?"
There's no point in giving him a proper response. Instead of saying something, I nod. Suddenly, I feel cold inside. This isn't the reaction I expected.
"You... love me." He's jumping to conclusions, but the words are firm.
Shaking my head, my body gives a violent protest. I wonder if I'm trembling. Love him? No, I love Eli. I belong to Eli, and he's the one I've cared about for years. This isn't love. This is just... I don't have a word for this. I don't know that I want a word for whatever this feeling is. It's toxic, running through my veins.
"It's not like that," I protest quietly. "I just needed... to be near you right now."
Those words aren't solving any problems. Another glance at his face tells me what I need to know: he doesn't believe me. I don't know if I believe me, either.
"You shouldn't have come here, Kevin." Jaeseop sighs heavily. He steps away, putting distance between us as he runs a hand through his hair and looks away. He looks every bit as conflicted as I feel. "Maybe you should call Kiseop, see if he can come get you or something."
The longer this drags out, the worse it's becoming. I'm already regretting my decision to come here. I know that feeling will be much worse when Eli finds out, and I have no illusions that Jaeseop won't tell him.
I've thought about what it might be like if I came over like this. Idle daydreams, you know, nothing serious. Every time I pictured it, though, I always came over to see him and he welcomed me with open arms. Maybe a cat-grin on his lips and a few words about how he knew that I'd give in to him eventually. All of those imaginings are the furthest possible thing from reality. He isn't grinning now. He isn't even smiling. He's looking at his wall with hard, stinging disappointment, like maybe he's having a hard time respecting me when I've come here because of something like that.
"I had to come," I tell him. Weakness, that's what those words are. They're half true, like everything else I've said tonight. I can't seem to lie to him completely. I wouldn't be here if I had the strength to resist anymore, even if my presence is inappropriate.
"You shouldn't have come," he says again. His voice isn't nearly as certain as that look on his face. "Look, if it was any other reason... Kevin, I..."
I can't take his uneasiness. It makes me feel guilty. "I'm sorry."
Jaeseop swallows hard. I wish I could read his mind right now.
"You should go home. Call a cab or something," he says finally. Apparently, he doesn't think I should call Kiseop anymore. "Go home, get something to drink. Sleep on it. You guys had a fight. I'm sure that, tomorrow, you'll wake up and give Eli a call and the two of you will work it out. Whatever the problem is, it's not me. And I'm sure it's nothing major. Just give it a little time. I know he can be a bit of a hot-head, but he loves you and y--"
"He doesn't love me." The words leave my mouth before I can stop them, and I can taste the wrongness of them on my tongue.
Jaeseop stares. "What?"
"He doesn't love me," I repeat. My eyes fall to the floor; I can't look at him while lying this directly. "He said that he doesn't love me. He yelled at me. He told me... he told me that he never wants to see me again. And right now, I just need... I need..."
Words are failing me tonight, and for good reason. This isn't like me. I never do anything like this. I don't lie like this. I don't go over to my friend's apartment to do something so blatantly wrong. All of my actions tonight are piling up one by one, creating a mountain of sins and worries that I will have to deal with. That can come later. For now, I am just left to wonder if I have the strength to deal with this.
I'm crying again, but I only have a moment to realize that before he gives up and gives in. Warm hands find the sides of my arms, chasing away a little of the pain that is building in my heart. One of those hands pulls away, reaching up to brush gently across the side of my face before his fingers hesitantly run through my hair. He's testing his limits, making his decision.
That decision is made as those arms of his tug me close and he pulls me into another hug. It's not tight, not suffocating, but it's still what I need. He's very warm pressed up against me, close enough that I can smell his cologne. Even though he's the one that hugged me, my arms have somehow found their way around his back, holding onto him even more tightly. My fingers are tangled in his shirt, clinging.
I should be embarrassed by my own lack of self-control, but I'm not. I'm shaken, afraid of everything that's happening, and at the same time I feel incredibly reassured by him. I've been fighting this feeling for so long, but it's what I've been needing. This is exactly what I was wanting when I was standing outside of his front door. I know that it's not right, but I can't pull away.
If Jaeseop can tell how conflicted I am, he doesn't let on. He hovers there, just holding me. There's a soft, momentary brush of lips against my hair. Then, a firmer kiss to my forehead. He hums in a way that I'm sure is supposed to be reassuring. I get the feeling that he doesn't know what he's doing. He doesn't know what I'm doing, either. Maybe we're both lost tonight.
"I'm sorry," he tells me softly. "I don't like to see you hurting. He shouldn't have said that."
He was trying to do the honorable thing only a couple of minutes ago. After he realized the reason that I'm here and what I'd done to Eli, he had pulled away. And yet, after I've told him such a simple lie, here he is again, holding me close so quickly that it makes my mind spin. How can he do that? I don't understand, but his compassion hurts to see.
I've lied to both of them. If Jaeseop pushed me away again, if he told me to call Kiseop or even tried to force me to go home, I know that I would lie again. None of this is right, but I want to know what it's like to have him hold me like this. I want to know what it's like to feel wanted. For that, he's a healing balm for my nerves. All of my worries for the night, all of the twisted reasons for my presence are gone in his warmth. I just want him to keep holding me.
Two steps forward, two steps back for him, and he leans against the wall and cradles me in his arms. He's doing his best to help me calm down, rubbing my back and whispering nonsense in my ear. It's sweet, really. Endearing, even though I kind of feel like he thinks I'm some kind of injured animal or small child or something. He's taking care of me the best way he knows how.
"Jaeseop..."
He hums, giving me a squeeze. "What is it?"
"Sometimes..." I pause. Maybe this is taking it too far, but I didn't really come here just to get a hug from him. I don't know what, exactly, I wanted, but not just this. If I'm going to ask for more, I might as well tell him. "Sometimes I wish it had been you instead."
His breath hitches slightly, and those hands still on my back.
"Lately," I tell him, "I've been wanting to know... what that would have been like."
"You shouldn't say that," he breathes. I can hear conviction in the words, but I wonder if that's really what he wants to say. Suddenly, it occurs to me that maybe he didn't give up on me when Eli and I got together. Maybe I'm not the only one who is having their willpower tested tonight.
"Maybe not," I admit, "but I am."
His arms tighten around me. He's thinking, or maybe regretting. That's what I'm doing, although I'm not entirely certain what I'm regretting. He breathes heavily and, for once, I'm not the only one that's shaking.
"I wish that too."
He means that. I know he does. I know that he'd give me the moon on a silver platter if I asked. But that isn't what I want, and that isn't something I can offer him.
"Jaeseop, would you..."
"Would I what?" he asks softly.
"Just... just for tonight, would you... love me?"
The word cuts into my heart as it leaves my lips. It's not fair of me to ask him something like that. I'm asking for something I can't return, though when I say love... I don't really mean love, and I'm sure he knows it. But would he agree to something like that? Would he give me something when I can't give him what he wants in return?
Except, he doesn't know that I can't return it. After all, that's not what I've been telling him, is it? Letting him lean against this wall while he holds me, telling him that I want to know what it's like to be with him. Maybe it's true, but I can't actually do it. He doesn't know that, though. He thinks I want more than this, that I've left Eli to be with him. Sooner or later, I will have to break that illusion, and I wonder just how much will break along with it. For now, I will keep my guilt to myself.
He lets out another heavy breath, and his arms slide down to my waist, holding me tighter and letting me go all at once. I can hear him swallow, can feel it against my hair as he considers what I'm asking. "Kevin, if Eli is... out of the picture, would you--"
There it is. The question I knew he would ask. Pulling away from his shoulder, I look up ever so slightly to see his face. I want to see his expression, but I don't want him to finish the question on his lips. I can feel it in the air, all of that expectation and tentative hope. If he asks, I can't give him an answer. I don't want to give him an answer.
He doesn't get the chance to finish the question. I'm moving forward without even meaning to, and his lips are so warm against mine. I'm pretty sure that I'm the one who kissed him, but he's pressing back against me like it had been his idea all along. His lips guide mine, skin sliding over skin as he tilts his head and drags his tongue across my lips. He's uncovering everything that I am feeling and hiding from with every pass of his mouth on mine, stealing all common sense.
This isn't some childish peck. It's not some staged kiss for the camera, or some high school first kiss. I am tumbling into him in a way that isn't artificial or contrived in the slightest. Even my arms seem to feel this something between us as they wrap around his neck, tugging him closer. I'm barely breathing. He's holding me so tight, and that's all I can feel.
We break apart after only a few heated seconds. I can still taste him on my tongue. Did that really happen? The look on his face tells me that I didn't imagine it; he's staring at me wide-eyed, but those lips of his are quirked up into his signature grin. He looks like a very self-satisfied cat.
Slowly, so slowly, he shifts. He's not really pulling away -- there's a wall at his back, after all -- but I still get the feeling that he's giving me space. Space to think, or space to make a choice. I'm not really sure which it is.
Looking at him now, I'm not really sure how I've managed to resist him this long. He's handsome. I love the way his eyes crinkle when he smiles at me like this. That look on his face says everything he hasn't put into words. And that is the reason I should walk away. For me, this is something physical. Maybe it's more than that, but it's not serious. This is just scratching an itch, or maybe fulfilling some sort of need for affection that I haven't been getting lately. That look in his eyes tells me that it's different for him. For Jaeseop, this isn't something physical. This isn't hormones, or pent-up frustration, or whatever the heck has me standing here, holding onto him. He wants something real. And this? None of this is real. This is just make-believe, an escape from reality. And that's all it will ever be.
I shouldn't be here. He's offering me comfort for something that never even happened. And, to be honest, I don't know if he even remembers why I'm here right now. I've barely held onto the lies I've told. It's hard to think when his intoxicating heat is pressed up against me and all I want to do is return to that warmth.
I know that I should leave. I know that very well, even though I'm here by my own choice. If I pulled away and walked out the door, I'm sure he would let me. Maybe not happily, but he wouldn't try to stop me. And yet, this is what I want. I came here tonight with a purpose. Part of that purpose was to get closer to him, but part of it was just to find out what it would feel like to let him hold me like this. I hate the fact that I enjoy this closeness. He feels like where I'm supposed to be.
Sensing some of my indecisiveness, Jaeseop holds me out at arm's length. He's giving me room to breathe. If I were in his position, I don't know that I would be strong enough to do the same. For right now, I want to forget the guilt I feel at what I'm doing. I don't want to worry, or think, or anything of the sort. I just want more of that kiss.
Making my decision, it's all too easy to tighten my fingers on his shoulders and pull him back to me. When my mouth finds his, there are none of the pretty, shallow kisses from before. His lips fall to mine, and I'm the one who is inviting him in, deepening the kiss and asking for more. He responds hungrily, taking what I'm giving and returning shivers that slide all the way down to my toes.
He's been holding back. He's been holding back for years, and now he's giving me all of it. I can feel it in the way he's kissing me, devouring my mouth and flexing his fingers against my body. He isn't the only one who's been holding back. He isn't the only one pressing closer or panting into the heated air between us. It's clumsy and foolish, but my lips are learning how to move with his with every beat of my heart.
Jaeseop isn't just kissing me. He's telling me all the things I've been ignoring for years with his lips. It feels like I'm the only person in his world right now. This isn't the first time that he’s made me feel that way, but this is the first time that I've allowed myself to feel it. I've spent so much time and energy convincing myself that I don't want him. How many times have I told people that he's too forward, or that he comes on too strong, or that I'm just not interested? I can't even count, but there's no point to any of it. His hand is squeezing my side, his fingers digging into my back, and I can tell that he knows I've been lying when I say I don't want him. Somehow, he's always known. I can't keep denying the way he affects me, not after this.
"Kevin," he breathes, breaking away from our kiss. His lips form my name against my jaw. His breath is hot, and equally tempting. My head tilts as I give him a little more of my skin to taste. I'm completely lost in the moment. I can barely remember where we are as his mouth begins to make its way down my throat. It's his heat pressing up against me that makes me want more. He's holding me so tightly, and those kisses of his aren't innocent or sweet anymore. I'm not sure I could be happy with just that. I want more of him. I need more of him.
Except, I can't have him. He can't have me. Clarity comes down on me like a bucket of cold water, a surge of fear shooting through my veins. Jaeseop nearly falls forward when I pull away quickly. I feel completely alone in the sudden burn of air between us.
"Kevin?" My name is a rush of air from him, a loss.
"I'm sorry. I've made a mistake." The words are of no consolation to either of us, but they have to be said. "I shouldn't have come."
Turning away, I walk as fast as my feet can carry me. I'm barely halfway to the door when I hear him calling out for me. "Kevin! Wait!"
I'm powerless to resist his voice. He stops me in my tracks.
"Kevin," he says, "what's going on?"
He's standing behind me again, sounding confused and worried and maybe just as afraid as I feel. I know that I'm being confusing. I know that I'm running hot and cold, and it isn't fair to either of us. I know why I came here tonight. I came here to do something, to take something, and to let myself feel everything that I've been denying for far too long. But I don't know why I thought I could actually go through with it. I hadn't even really intended to let things get this far. Now that we've done this much and I know what it feels like to be in his arms, I want more. But I can't do that. I really can't, because I'm still afraid. I am so afraid that if I let this go any further, I won't want to go back. I can't do that to Jaeseop. I can't do that to Eli.
Jaeseop shuffles on his feet behind me. I don't know if he's shifting in place or trying to close the few feet of distance between us. Then, suddenly, I feel the heat of his breath on the back of my neck and I know exactly where he is.
"I need to go," I tell him, but the words lack conviction.
He notices. "Why?"
"Because I'm afraid. This is a mistake."
The truth, and one that I can't really explain. He doesn't ask me to.
"Look, I know something isn't right," he tells me, taking a breath. I can hear frustration in his voice. "I don't know why you're here, or what's going on, but please don't shut me out. You're hurting. I can't stand to see you hurting like this. Just let me help. You asked me to love you. Give me the chance."
His voice is so sincere that the words send a shiver down my back. I am standing here, lying to his face, but everything that he is giving me in return is honest. He wants to love me.
"Don't say that word," I whisper.
My request is hypocritical at best. I'm aware of that. After all, I was the one who asked him to love me. He's pointed that out, and I can't deny it. I used the word first, a twisted contrast to the way things usually are between us. He hesitates, probably thinking the same thing. It doesn't matter. He still does exactly what I thought he would. Predictable.
"Fine. Okay. If you don't want me to say that, I won't," he allows. The words are a lot harsher than his tone of voice. That's a promise that he's going to break, and we both know it. "But you can't just... kiss me like that and walk away. Please, let me help you. Let me take care of you. Whatever you need, even if it's just for now, let me be that. Let me in. Stay with me."
The words start to sink in even before I can recall hearing them. He isn't asking me to let him fix me a cup of tea and talk about my problems. He's asking me to let my guard down, to open up to him. And he's asking for more. It would be only too easy to give up and give in, to continue what I interrupted. But what he wants isn't right. It's every bit as wrong as the fact that I'm standing here in the first place.
That's no excuse. After all, I knew what I was doing when I came here. I may not have known exactly what would happen, but I betrayed Eli the moment I made my choice. I guess I'm having trouble seeing anything but gray tonight. There's no point in changing that now.
"Okay," I tell him quietly. "I'll stay."
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: JaeVin, ElVin (mentioned)
Chapter: 1/1 (Oneshot)
Word Count: 16,496
Summary: As Kevin and Eli’s relationship cools off, Kevin finds himself missing something he’s never had the chance to experience. Making a decision he knows that he will regret, he goes to confront AJ to see if there are better options available to him, even if he only wants those options for a single night.
Notes: A prequel to Ky Johnson's story "His."
There's no going back now. I'm already standing in front of his door, staring at my fingers on the cool metal. I've knocked twice, but I don't think anybody is home. Maybe that's a good thing. I mean, I've made my decision, but it's a mistake. I know that I shouldn't be here. I can't be here. And yet, here I am.
The apartment is silent. Nobody seems to be moving inside. The only thing I can hear is the buzzing insect that's circling the outside light, keeping me company while I try to talk myself out of this. It's not too late. If I turn around and walk away right now, I can still go home. Or I could go over to Eli's apartment. He's been distant lately, but maybe tonight he'd let me get closer the way that I need. Only, he wouldn't, and I know it. That's part of why I'm here, isn't it? I'm taking a chance, standing in front of Jaeseop's door. I made this choice. This is a mistake, but it's one I need to make.
Two minutes pass, then three. Maybe he really isn't home. That might be the universe's way of stopping me from doing something stupid before I can regret it. After all, if he doesn't answer the door, then I can't screw up any worse than I already have by coming here.
But I want him to answer. If I didn't, I wouldn't be here. I need to know the answer to the one question that has occupied my mind for the past month. Now that I have the courage to find out, there's a part of me that doesn't want to leave before I can find out.
And yet, maybe I should just leave. I should. He isn't answering the door, and I shouldn't even be here. Yes, I think I should just go. A quick breath, and I turn to leave.
"Kevin?"
Jaeseop's voice and the sound of the door opening hit my ears at the same time. I freeze. He is home. I didn't even know that I was tense, but a knot tightens in my stomach, telling me otherwise. I came here, but I'm not really sure what to do. What are you supposed to say in a situation like this?
"Hi." It's a single word, but it's the best I can come up with on short notice.
My eyes find his bare feet as I turn around to face him, feeling sheepish. I'm feeling conflicted just being here. That must translate into some sort of my distress on my face, I guess, because he takes a half-step towards me and holds out a hand like he thinks I need to be steadied or something.
"Are you okay?" The first thing he says other than my name and it's concern. Of course. I'm not sure what else I was expecting. "Is something going on?"
Yeah, something's going on. Me. If it was anything unimportant, I would have called. He knows that. I'm sure that if I glanced up at his face, I'd see confusion there.
What am I supposed to tell him about why I'm here? That I was feeling lonely? That's the truth, but there's more to it. I can just imagine what he might say if I told him that I regret never finding out what it was like to actually let him close. I'm sure he'd have plenty of words for that, but I don't. I tried to rehearse a speech on my way over here, or maybe dig up a good excuse. I failed miserably at both, and I can't tell him the truth. I'll do the same thing I've been doing to myself every night: I'll lie.
"We broke up." The words leave my mouth before I can think them through all the way. I wince. That's the worst lie I could possibly tell, but maybe it's the only one that could explain why I'm here.
Silence. Then, "You and Eli?"
Does he think I'm dating more than one person or something?
"Yeah."
That single word burns as it leaves my tongue. Lying through my teeth shouldn't be this easy. I have no illusions about what I'm doing. I'm betraying Eli just by being here. The reasons why I'm here make it that much worse. Jaeseop doesn't know. He has no idea. I'm lying to him, too.
Does he suspect? He might. He's smart, and it's not like I've ever come to him when I've needed help or support. There is no reason for me to be here unless I have some hidden purpose. We were closer when uBEAT was in full swing, but when Eli and I got together, my other friendships fell by the wayside. So did whatever I had with Jaeseop. Our pretend friendship couldn't hold water when he wanted something I couldn't give him. Something that I've started to miss in the past few weeks.
Taking a chance, I look up at him. He's thinking, clearly. He doesn't look skeptical, just confused. There's some worry there, too. Rather than respond quickly, he just steps back and holds the door open for me. I must look worse than I thought.
There has always been someone else with me whenever I've been in Jaeseop's apartment. Whether it's the rest of the group, or just Eli, I've never been alone with him here. We're standing in his living room, in the small entryway between his living room and dining area. I barely have the sense to toe my shoes off as I look around. Even though I felt pretty confident coming here, I don't know what to do now that I'm actually talking to him.
"Are you hungry?" he asks uncertainly. I don't think he has any idea of what to do, either. "Or do you need a drink or something?"
Food fixes everything, apparently. Or maybe it's just hospitality, but it doesn't really feel like it.
"I'm fine." That's a lie, too, but I didn't come here to snack. "I ate a little while ago."
He doesn't say anything in response. He just takes a couple of steps towards me, trying to figure me out. I can tell that he wants to help. I've told him my problem, but he probably has no idea where to begin with trying to make me feel better. That's my fault, my choice. I've made a lot of bad choices tonight. I don't know where what I'm doing now ranks on the list, but it's probably up there. What would he do if he knew?
"Are you sure?" He doesn't believe me. "I could fix something."
I appreciate that he's trying to help. He's trying to find some way to do so that doesn't cross the boundaries I've established. Something that doesn't come across as too friendly or more than friendly. I've pushed him away for years. Now, I'm starting to wonder how much of this distance between us is permanent.
Jaeseop hasn't pushed for anything. Not for a couple of years. When Eli and I got together, he backed off. He hasn't said a word about his own feelings, or whatever opinions he might have of our relationship. He's been nothing but respectful of our relationship, giving us our space. That should make me happy. It did make me happy for a while. I felt like I had finally triumphed over his ridiculous obsession with me.
Only now, I'm not happy about it. I haven't been for a while. There has been something growing in the empty spaces between us as Eli has pulled away from me. It's been gradual, over the space of a few months. Rather than missing Eli, I started to miss someone else instead. Jaeseop.
I shouldn't feel this way. I shouldn't want to know what it would be like to have him care about me like that. But I do, and I don't like seeing him look as uneasy around me as he does now. I'm not sure how to fix that. No matter what I've begun to want, I'm not sure if this is something that should be fixed.
"It's okay," I reply, unable to temper my own emotional response. "I'm not hungry, I just..."
"You're hurting," he guesses.
He's right, but not for the reasons that he thinks. Moving slowly, he steps closer, still looking at little lost. It's only a couple of steps, but I imagine that I can feel some of the warmth coming off him. I should be overheating; it was burning hot outside, and his air conditioning sucks, but I still kind of want to lean into him. Instead, I hug myself to keep my hands out of trouble.
He doesn't move any closer. He just stays where he is, watching me with confusion. "Kevin, why are you here? Not that I'm complaining."
"I didn't want to be alone."
That's my first honest response of the night, and it seems to take all of the strength out of me. I came here with a purpose, or at least a general idea of what I wanted. Now that I'm here, it's so much harder to act on what I'm feeling than I thought it would be. I can't look at him anymore. Instead, I stare at his floor. It's becoming a habit. He really needs to sweep.
Warm hands on my shoulders catch me off-guard as Jaeseop pulls me into a hug. It's only when my face is pressed against the shoulder of his t-shirt that I realize why he's holding me. I'm crying. I don't even know when it started, only that I can't seem to stop. Even though I came here for this reason, I should still be protesting the warmth of his arms, or the fact that he's trying to hold me close, but I can't. He is warm, and his arms are a comfort. That's exactly what I need right now.
He doesn't seem to notice my uneasiness. When I jerk away from him a little, he just shifts on his feet and settles me back against his shoulder. His hand is warm through my shirt, rubbing soothing circles against my back. Maybe it's cooler in here than I thought, because that actually feels good right now.
"I'm sorry you're hurting," he tells me in a quiet voice. "What can I do to help?"
He doesn't know that the reason I'm crying has nothing to do with the excuse that I have given him. I'm not crying because Eli and I broke up. I'm crying because I've lied to him. Eli and I haven't split. Eli is probably sitting at home, lounging on his couch and watching some too-loud TV show that I should be watching with him. He has no idea what I'm doing. If he did, he would be hurting, too.
I can't think about Eli. Not tonight, not right now. Not with the reasons for my being here floating around in my mind like so much poison. I don't want to hurt him. I just want... more than he will give me, and he has just become a casualty of my own neediness. That thought is enough to make me flinch, retroactive regret making me second-guess myself.
In an instant, I've pulled away completely and folded in on myself. Jaeseop is staring at me. He has no idea why I've just pulled away, or what I'm thinking.
"What's wrong?" He's still asking things like that as though I shouldn't be walking away. Jaeseop really is a good guy. He gives his all to whatever has his attention. Right now, that seems to be me. I think it's been me for a while, and that's part of why...
"I'm lying." The words are an admission, quiet but honest. They don't lift any of the weight from my shoulders, or make me feel any better, but they needed to be said.
"What do you mean?"
He doesn't try to get closer to me again. He just stays where I left him, standing uselessly a few feet away. I wish he would come closer. I wish I could answer him. I don't like keeping secrets from the people who really matter. Telling him the truth would be an immense relief. But I can't. Even thinking about telling him is ridiculous. Just thinking about the words, they're impossible. Would I tell him that my boyfriend has been ignoring me, and that when he doesn't, it's not his fingers I keep wanting to feel on my skin? No, I can't do that. Those are carefully guarded secrets. I can't let him that close, and I won't.
And even if I did, what are the chances that he wouldn't hate me? Jaeseop isn't the sort of person to betray one of his friends. Not like this. And especially not when the person I'm stabbing in the back is Eli. I could give myself so many excuses as to why I'm doing this, or justify my presence here with pretty words, but the effort would be pointless. I know what I'm doing, and I wish that I had come here under different circumstances. If Jaeseop had any idea, he wouldn't even be talking to me right now. Between Eli and the way that I've treated Jaeseop over the past few years, he shouldn't even have asked me to come inside.
"Why are you doing this?" A question instead of answering his. The words are steadier than I feel, maybe because they're sincere. I want to understand. "Why are you being so nice to me?"
Rocking forward on his toes, Jaeseop presses his lips together in a thin line as he thinks. He looks like he wants to touch me again. I'm not sure if I want him to or not. Rather than taking that easy step towards me, however, he just frowns. "Isn't that what I'm supposed to do? I'm your friend, and you're obviously having a rough night."
Yes, that's what any good friend would do. Any good friend except this one. I just told him that Eli and I broke up. I showed up uninvited at his house with news like that, and he asked me inside and gave me a hug. He's Eli's friend, too. He's Eli's best friend. Shouldn't he be angry at me? Shouldn't he have some reaction, any reaction, other than this? The fact that he's standing there, looking at me with that expression on his face, makes no sense. Why is he worrying about me when someone more important to him is hurting, too? Even if it's not true, that's what he thinks.
"I haven't heard from Eli," he says, guessing accurately at my thoughts. "But you're here, now, and I'm worried about you."
"Yeah, I'm here." The obvious.
"I don't really get why you're here, but if you came to me..." He doesn't finish his sentence. There's that step I've been waiting for him to take. I can feel his fingers reaching out, brushing across the fabric of my t-shirt, but he doesn't try to rest his hand on my shoulder again. I wish that he would. When he was holding me, all of the confusion and heartache that I feel had vanished momentarily.
There's no point in avoiding my reasons for coming here any longer. Maybe I should just tell him.
"You..."
His fingers rest lightly on my shoulder, a slight improvement. "Me?" he says quietly.
"You're the reason that I'm here." That's a lot harder to say than I thought it would be. His hand tenses on my shirt.
"What do you mean?" If I had thought that he might understand automatically, I'm out of luck. He doesn't. He's asking. Or maybe he just wants clarification, I'm not sure.
"The reason that Eli and I broke up," I start, feeding the lie, "is because of you. Because lately, he's just been kind of distant, and I wanted... and I want..."
The hand on my shoulder vanishes so quickly that I can't help but look up. I've somehow avoided looking at his face, but it's impossible to miss the way he's looking at me now. He still looks worried, but now he looks unhappy, too.
He looks away, shaking his head. "Is that why you're here?"
There's no point in giving him a proper response. Instead of saying something, I nod. Suddenly, I feel cold inside. This isn't the reaction I expected.
"You... love me." He's jumping to conclusions, but the words are firm.
Shaking my head, my body gives a violent protest. I wonder if I'm trembling. Love him? No, I love Eli. I belong to Eli, and he's the one I've cared about for years. This isn't love. This is just... I don't have a word for this. I don't know that I want a word for whatever this feeling is. It's toxic, running through my veins.
"It's not like that," I protest quietly. "I just needed... to be near you right now."
Those words aren't solving any problems. Another glance at his face tells me what I need to know: he doesn't believe me. I don't know if I believe me, either.
"You shouldn't have come here, Kevin." Jaeseop sighs heavily. He steps away, putting distance between us as he runs a hand through his hair and looks away. He looks every bit as conflicted as I feel. "Maybe you should call Kiseop, see if he can come get you or something."
The longer this drags out, the worse it's becoming. I'm already regretting my decision to come here. I know that feeling will be much worse when Eli finds out, and I have no illusions that Jaeseop won't tell him.
I've thought about what it might be like if I came over like this. Idle daydreams, you know, nothing serious. Every time I pictured it, though, I always came over to see him and he welcomed me with open arms. Maybe a cat-grin on his lips and a few words about how he knew that I'd give in to him eventually. All of those imaginings are the furthest possible thing from reality. He isn't grinning now. He isn't even smiling. He's looking at his wall with hard, stinging disappointment, like maybe he's having a hard time respecting me when I've come here because of something like that.
"I had to come," I tell him. Weakness, that's what those words are. They're half true, like everything else I've said tonight. I can't seem to lie to him completely. I wouldn't be here if I had the strength to resist anymore, even if my presence is inappropriate.
"You shouldn't have come," he says again. His voice isn't nearly as certain as that look on his face. "Look, if it was any other reason... Kevin, I..."
I can't take his uneasiness. It makes me feel guilty. "I'm sorry."
Jaeseop swallows hard. I wish I could read his mind right now.
"You should go home. Call a cab or something," he says finally. Apparently, he doesn't think I should call Kiseop anymore. "Go home, get something to drink. Sleep on it. You guys had a fight. I'm sure that, tomorrow, you'll wake up and give Eli a call and the two of you will work it out. Whatever the problem is, it's not me. And I'm sure it's nothing major. Just give it a little time. I know he can be a bit of a hot-head, but he loves you and y--"
"He doesn't love me." The words leave my mouth before I can stop them, and I can taste the wrongness of them on my tongue.
Jaeseop stares. "What?"
"He doesn't love me," I repeat. My eyes fall to the floor; I can't look at him while lying this directly. "He said that he doesn't love me. He yelled at me. He told me... he told me that he never wants to see me again. And right now, I just need... I need..."
Words are failing me tonight, and for good reason. This isn't like me. I never do anything like this. I don't lie like this. I don't go over to my friend's apartment to do something so blatantly wrong. All of my actions tonight are piling up one by one, creating a mountain of sins and worries that I will have to deal with. That can come later. For now, I am just left to wonder if I have the strength to deal with this.
I'm crying again, but I only have a moment to realize that before he gives up and gives in. Warm hands find the sides of my arms, chasing away a little of the pain that is building in my heart. One of those hands pulls away, reaching up to brush gently across the side of my face before his fingers hesitantly run through my hair. He's testing his limits, making his decision.
That decision is made as those arms of his tug me close and he pulls me into another hug. It's not tight, not suffocating, but it's still what I need. He's very warm pressed up against me, close enough that I can smell his cologne. Even though he's the one that hugged me, my arms have somehow found their way around his back, holding onto him even more tightly. My fingers are tangled in his shirt, clinging.
I should be embarrassed by my own lack of self-control, but I'm not. I'm shaken, afraid of everything that's happening, and at the same time I feel incredibly reassured by him. I've been fighting this feeling for so long, but it's what I've been needing. This is exactly what I was wanting when I was standing outside of his front door. I know that it's not right, but I can't pull away.
If Jaeseop can tell how conflicted I am, he doesn't let on. He hovers there, just holding me. There's a soft, momentary brush of lips against my hair. Then, a firmer kiss to my forehead. He hums in a way that I'm sure is supposed to be reassuring. I get the feeling that he doesn't know what he's doing. He doesn't know what I'm doing, either. Maybe we're both lost tonight.
"I'm sorry," he tells me softly. "I don't like to see you hurting. He shouldn't have said that."
He was trying to do the honorable thing only a couple of minutes ago. After he realized the reason that I'm here and what I'd done to Eli, he had pulled away. And yet, after I've told him such a simple lie, here he is again, holding me close so quickly that it makes my mind spin. How can he do that? I don't understand, but his compassion hurts to see.
I've lied to both of them. If Jaeseop pushed me away again, if he told me to call Kiseop or even tried to force me to go home, I know that I would lie again. None of this is right, but I want to know what it's like to have him hold me like this. I want to know what it's like to feel wanted. For that, he's a healing balm for my nerves. All of my worries for the night, all of the twisted reasons for my presence are gone in his warmth. I just want him to keep holding me.
Two steps forward, two steps back for him, and he leans against the wall and cradles me in his arms. He's doing his best to help me calm down, rubbing my back and whispering nonsense in my ear. It's sweet, really. Endearing, even though I kind of feel like he thinks I'm some kind of injured animal or small child or something. He's taking care of me the best way he knows how.
"Jaeseop..."
He hums, giving me a squeeze. "What is it?"
"Sometimes..." I pause. Maybe this is taking it too far, but I didn't really come here just to get a hug from him. I don't know what, exactly, I wanted, but not just this. If I'm going to ask for more, I might as well tell him. "Sometimes I wish it had been you instead."
His breath hitches slightly, and those hands still on my back.
"Lately," I tell him, "I've been wanting to know... what that would have been like."
"You shouldn't say that," he breathes. I can hear conviction in the words, but I wonder if that's really what he wants to say. Suddenly, it occurs to me that maybe he didn't give up on me when Eli and I got together. Maybe I'm not the only one who is having their willpower tested tonight.
"Maybe not," I admit, "but I am."
His arms tighten around me. He's thinking, or maybe regretting. That's what I'm doing, although I'm not entirely certain what I'm regretting. He breathes heavily and, for once, I'm not the only one that's shaking.
"I wish that too."
He means that. I know he does. I know that he'd give me the moon on a silver platter if I asked. But that isn't what I want, and that isn't something I can offer him.
"Jaeseop, would you..."
"Would I what?" he asks softly.
"Just... just for tonight, would you... love me?"
The word cuts into my heart as it leaves my lips. It's not fair of me to ask him something like that. I'm asking for something I can't return, though when I say love... I don't really mean love, and I'm sure he knows it. But would he agree to something like that? Would he give me something when I can't give him what he wants in return?
Except, he doesn't know that I can't return it. After all, that's not what I've been telling him, is it? Letting him lean against this wall while he holds me, telling him that I want to know what it's like to be with him. Maybe it's true, but I can't actually do it. He doesn't know that, though. He thinks I want more than this, that I've left Eli to be with him. Sooner or later, I will have to break that illusion, and I wonder just how much will break along with it. For now, I will keep my guilt to myself.
He lets out another heavy breath, and his arms slide down to my waist, holding me tighter and letting me go all at once. I can hear him swallow, can feel it against my hair as he considers what I'm asking. "Kevin, if Eli is... out of the picture, would you--"
There it is. The question I knew he would ask. Pulling away from his shoulder, I look up ever so slightly to see his face. I want to see his expression, but I don't want him to finish the question on his lips. I can feel it in the air, all of that expectation and tentative hope. If he asks, I can't give him an answer. I don't want to give him an answer.
He doesn't get the chance to finish the question. I'm moving forward without even meaning to, and his lips are so warm against mine. I'm pretty sure that I'm the one who kissed him, but he's pressing back against me like it had been his idea all along. His lips guide mine, skin sliding over skin as he tilts his head and drags his tongue across my lips. He's uncovering everything that I am feeling and hiding from with every pass of his mouth on mine, stealing all common sense.
This isn't some childish peck. It's not some staged kiss for the camera, or some high school first kiss. I am tumbling into him in a way that isn't artificial or contrived in the slightest. Even my arms seem to feel this something between us as they wrap around his neck, tugging him closer. I'm barely breathing. He's holding me so tight, and that's all I can feel.
We break apart after only a few heated seconds. I can still taste him on my tongue. Did that really happen? The look on his face tells me that I didn't imagine it; he's staring at me wide-eyed, but those lips of his are quirked up into his signature grin. He looks like a very self-satisfied cat.
Slowly, so slowly, he shifts. He's not really pulling away -- there's a wall at his back, after all -- but I still get the feeling that he's giving me space. Space to think, or space to make a choice. I'm not really sure which it is.
Looking at him now, I'm not really sure how I've managed to resist him this long. He's handsome. I love the way his eyes crinkle when he smiles at me like this. That look on his face says everything he hasn't put into words. And that is the reason I should walk away. For me, this is something physical. Maybe it's more than that, but it's not serious. This is just scratching an itch, or maybe fulfilling some sort of need for affection that I haven't been getting lately. That look in his eyes tells me that it's different for him. For Jaeseop, this isn't something physical. This isn't hormones, or pent-up frustration, or whatever the heck has me standing here, holding onto him. He wants something real. And this? None of this is real. This is just make-believe, an escape from reality. And that's all it will ever be.
I shouldn't be here. He's offering me comfort for something that never even happened. And, to be honest, I don't know if he even remembers why I'm here right now. I've barely held onto the lies I've told. It's hard to think when his intoxicating heat is pressed up against me and all I want to do is return to that warmth.
I know that I should leave. I know that very well, even though I'm here by my own choice. If I pulled away and walked out the door, I'm sure he would let me. Maybe not happily, but he wouldn't try to stop me. And yet, this is what I want. I came here tonight with a purpose. Part of that purpose was to get closer to him, but part of it was just to find out what it would feel like to let him hold me like this. I hate the fact that I enjoy this closeness. He feels like where I'm supposed to be.
Sensing some of my indecisiveness, Jaeseop holds me out at arm's length. He's giving me room to breathe. If I were in his position, I don't know that I would be strong enough to do the same. For right now, I want to forget the guilt I feel at what I'm doing. I don't want to worry, or think, or anything of the sort. I just want more of that kiss.
Making my decision, it's all too easy to tighten my fingers on his shoulders and pull him back to me. When my mouth finds his, there are none of the pretty, shallow kisses from before. His lips fall to mine, and I'm the one who is inviting him in, deepening the kiss and asking for more. He responds hungrily, taking what I'm giving and returning shivers that slide all the way down to my toes.
He's been holding back. He's been holding back for years, and now he's giving me all of it. I can feel it in the way he's kissing me, devouring my mouth and flexing his fingers against my body. He isn't the only one who's been holding back. He isn't the only one pressing closer or panting into the heated air between us. It's clumsy and foolish, but my lips are learning how to move with his with every beat of my heart.
Jaeseop isn't just kissing me. He's telling me all the things I've been ignoring for years with his lips. It feels like I'm the only person in his world right now. This isn't the first time that he’s made me feel that way, but this is the first time that I've allowed myself to feel it. I've spent so much time and energy convincing myself that I don't want him. How many times have I told people that he's too forward, or that he comes on too strong, or that I'm just not interested? I can't even count, but there's no point to any of it. His hand is squeezing my side, his fingers digging into my back, and I can tell that he knows I've been lying when I say I don't want him. Somehow, he's always known. I can't keep denying the way he affects me, not after this.
"Kevin," he breathes, breaking away from our kiss. His lips form my name against my jaw. His breath is hot, and equally tempting. My head tilts as I give him a little more of my skin to taste. I'm completely lost in the moment. I can barely remember where we are as his mouth begins to make its way down my throat. It's his heat pressing up against me that makes me want more. He's holding me so tightly, and those kisses of his aren't innocent or sweet anymore. I'm not sure I could be happy with just that. I want more of him. I need more of him.
Except, I can't have him. He can't have me. Clarity comes down on me like a bucket of cold water, a surge of fear shooting through my veins. Jaeseop nearly falls forward when I pull away quickly. I feel completely alone in the sudden burn of air between us.
"Kevin?" My name is a rush of air from him, a loss.
"I'm sorry. I've made a mistake." The words are of no consolation to either of us, but they have to be said. "I shouldn't have come."
Turning away, I walk as fast as my feet can carry me. I'm barely halfway to the door when I hear him calling out for me. "Kevin! Wait!"
I'm powerless to resist his voice. He stops me in my tracks.
"Kevin," he says, "what's going on?"
He's standing behind me again, sounding confused and worried and maybe just as afraid as I feel. I know that I'm being confusing. I know that I'm running hot and cold, and it isn't fair to either of us. I know why I came here tonight. I came here to do something, to take something, and to let myself feel everything that I've been denying for far too long. But I don't know why I thought I could actually go through with it. I hadn't even really intended to let things get this far. Now that we've done this much and I know what it feels like to be in his arms, I want more. But I can't do that. I really can't, because I'm still afraid. I am so afraid that if I let this go any further, I won't want to go back. I can't do that to Jaeseop. I can't do that to Eli.
Jaeseop shuffles on his feet behind me. I don't know if he's shifting in place or trying to close the few feet of distance between us. Then, suddenly, I feel the heat of his breath on the back of my neck and I know exactly where he is.
"I need to go," I tell him, but the words lack conviction.
He notices. "Why?"
"Because I'm afraid. This is a mistake."
The truth, and one that I can't really explain. He doesn't ask me to.
"Look, I know something isn't right," he tells me, taking a breath. I can hear frustration in his voice. "I don't know why you're here, or what's going on, but please don't shut me out. You're hurting. I can't stand to see you hurting like this. Just let me help. You asked me to love you. Give me the chance."
His voice is so sincere that the words send a shiver down my back. I am standing here, lying to his face, but everything that he is giving me in return is honest. He wants to love me.
"Don't say that word," I whisper.
My request is hypocritical at best. I'm aware of that. After all, I was the one who asked him to love me. He's pointed that out, and I can't deny it. I used the word first, a twisted contrast to the way things usually are between us. He hesitates, probably thinking the same thing. It doesn't matter. He still does exactly what I thought he would. Predictable.
"Fine. Okay. If you don't want me to say that, I won't," he allows. The words are a lot harsher than his tone of voice. That's a promise that he's going to break, and we both know it. "But you can't just... kiss me like that and walk away. Please, let me help you. Let me take care of you. Whatever you need, even if it's just for now, let me be that. Let me in. Stay with me."
The words start to sink in even before I can recall hearing them. He isn't asking me to let him fix me a cup of tea and talk about my problems. He's asking me to let my guard down, to open up to him. And he's asking for more. It would be only too easy to give up and give in, to continue what I interrupted. But what he wants isn't right. It's every bit as wrong as the fact that I'm standing here in the first place.
That's no excuse. After all, I knew what I was doing when I came here. I may not have known exactly what would happen, but I betrayed Eli the moment I made my choice. I guess I'm having trouble seeing anything but gray tonight. There's no point in changing that now.
"Okay," I tell him quietly. "I'll stay."