Gravity, Chapter Fourteen
Fandom: UKISS
Rating: PG
Pairing: JaeVin, ElVin (mentioned)
Chapter: 14/17
Summary: Kevin Woo has resigned. AJ is left with the knowledge that he was not alone in his feelings for the other man and it nearly destroys him. Taking a chance, he follows Kevin to San Francisco in order to try and reclaim the only thing that has ever meant anything to him.
Thunderstorms and headaches set the tone for my Friday. An hour later than they should be, my things are dropped off in the locker room of the building we use for our dance rehearsals. My hair and t-shirt are still damp from the rain as I head to the practice room with a feeling somewhere between anxiety and resignation. I don't want to be here today. I shouldn't be here, and yet I still am. Late, but I'm here.
Last night, after Kevin left, I couldn't sleep. I spent so much time trying to put Kevin out of my mind that he was all I could think about last night. The resolve I felt to put the past in the past is failing. Our argument last night didn't fix anything, didn't make the situation better. The words have left a bad taste in my memory. Everything that was said should have put an end to all of my confused thoughts and self-doubts. After all, I put my foot down and made my decision. I turned him down, told him to leave and never come back. That should have been the end, but I can still feel some of the regret that bothered me during our discussion. I was the one who told him to leave, but I'm still wondering if I should have. And at the same time, I know that I made the right decision. All of these contradictions are only making my headache worse, compounded by everything that he said to me. Heartache is inevitable, I guess. That I can deal with. I'll get over it eventually. I just wonder when eventually will happen.
Until then, I guess I'll have to learn to deal with a little less sleep. Right now, I'm operating on a very brief nap and a lot of caffeine. I'm probably not the only one, but everyone else looks more awake than I feel as the door to the practice room slides shut behind me. The others all glance up, but nobody even says hi. They're all busy with their own work, separated into small groups as they try to sort through whatever sections of the routine have been causing them problems.
A quick glance around is all that I need before my eyes fix automatically on the back of the room. Standing beside the large, frosted window, Kevin is correcting Eli's footwork for the opening of the video routine. Kiseop stands beside them, watching intently as he does his own, different footwork. I'll admit, I'm a little surprised that Kevin showed up today. I had halfway expected him to duck out to avoid me.
Their discussion of steps falls apart as he pauses, looking up at me as I set my water on one of the plastic chairs by the door. For a fraction of a second, his eyes meet mine and I have the uncanny feeling of being able to read everything he didn't say last night in those eyes of his. I know that I'm not imagining the sadness there. As soon as I register the emotion, it's gone. He looks away and ends our silent dialogue. Last night was a painful mess, but it had to happen. I'm sure Kevin knows that, too. Putting an end to whatever was between us once and for all was the right thing to do. That was for the best.
That brief interaction seems to set the feel for our entire practice. Ordinarily, work is fairly relaxed. Sure, we get stuff done, but we're among friends. We have fun even when we're being productive. You know what they say: if you enjoy what you do, you never work a day in your life. Today, it's definitely all work and definitely all business. Our genial conversations and chitchat in between sets is nonexistent. As soon as I head over to talk to Soohyun about what he wants me to do, he gives the instructions and turns back to Dongho to keep going with whatever it is that they're doing. I am forgotten as I hit the floor in a grueling pace that doesn't let up for the next four hours.
Something about the way today's work session feels bothers me deeply. Even after we finish and I head to the showers to clean up, I can still feel how impersonal everything seemed. This wasn't really practice in the sense that I'm used to. I know we're in a hurry and we've only got a few days left. Soohyun has told us all repeatedly that this is our chance to step up our game. Everything has to be perfect. That doesn't change the fact that today felt more like a funeral than our usual routine, and no amount of soap or shampoo in the showers can really make that feeling go away, even though I know it isn't entirely due to work.
Kevin never said anything. Not during practice, not as we were all getting ready to leave. I had expected him to say or do something. Instead, he ignored me entirely. We are no longer friends. I know this is the logical follow-through of our discussion yesterday, but the feeling still sits in my stomach like something dark and out of place. I try to let it go, swirling down the drain along with everything else I want to leave at work.
Clean once more, I head out of the showers and pull on a pair of khaki shorts that I had stored away in a locker. Plain cement walls and a white tile floor make for little distraction as I go through the usual routine of getting myself sorted out and getting my things packed away. I am barely aware of my surroundings until I hear a voice.
"Jaeseop, hey."
Looking up, I finally realize that I'm not alone. Everyone else bailed as soon as time was up, but Eli's still here. He leans against the corner of the lockers and looks at me with no small amount of uncertainty. My first thought is that he doesn't look sick, and he certainly didn't look sick this morning. I wonder if he was faking yesterday when he ducked out of our pre-arranged movie night. Right now, I don't really care.
"Hi," he says again.
Hesitating as I zip up my bag, I nod. "Hi."
"Look, I'm sorry about flaking out on you last night," he starts, reaching up to scratch nervously at the back of his head. "I shouldn't have eaten that crap. That was dumb. But I'm feeling better today and if you w--"
"Not today," I tell him, cutting him off. Closing the locker, I start to walk past him. He won't let me, though. As I move by, he reaches out and grabs my sleeve just long enough to stop me. I pause, but I don't turn to look at him.
"Are you okay? Today was kind of, uh..." He sounds like he's not sure what to say but still wants to start a conversation. We really aren't the heart-to-heart kind of best friends. I'm still adjusting to him worrying about me, when most of what we usually do is hang out or goof off. I don't mind the closeness, but right now all his presence does is make me think of the one thing I'm trying to move away from: Kevin.
For a split second, I debate brushing him off, but I can't bring myself to be that much of a dick. Instead, I heave a sigh and heft my bag further onto my shoulder. "No, I'm not okay. And I really don't want to talk about it."
Eli doesn't reply immediately. When he doesn't say anything, I take a few more steps towards the door. He stops me once again. "It looks like you could use a break."
"I told you I'm not up for anything tonight, Eli."
It doesn't take a psychic to know what he's thinking. He's already said that he feels bad about ditching yesterday. His idea of fun is generally parties, bars, alcohol and all of that socialization that I really don't want to have to deal with right now. At the moment, all I want to do is go home and sort myself out, even if that means avoiding everything that is bothering me at the moment.
"This is about Kevin, isn't it?" Eli's voice is quiet, resigned. He doesn't usually sound like that, and the surprise of his tone is enough to make me turn towards him. He looks uncomfortable and unhappy. I am not the only one affected by everything that has happened. He's been trapped in the mess that is Kevin and me. After all, he is both my friend and Kevin's, probably equally closely. It's easy to forget that when I can't seem to see anyone else in a room but Kevin. This is another problem that I need to work on, one that I'm becoming painfully aware of.
There's no point in being coy. "Yes. This is about Kevin."
For a moment, I wonder if Eli knows what happened last night. Perhaps he really did purposefully skip out on me last night. Asking would be callous, but I'm tempted anyway.
"What the hell is going on with the two of you?" Eli's confusion is clear in his words. He sounds completely baffled, and there's some hurt there, too. "This is messed up, AJ. We used to hang out. Now... now it just all hangs on him."
The unexpected confrontation makes my anger flare, but he's right. This is messed up, and I know it, too. That doesn't change the fact that I don't want to discuss this with him, even if it is throwing a wrench into our friendship. I can regret it later.
"Why do you care?" I ask. He frowns instantly. "My problems with him aren't your business, Eli."
"They're my business when you're both avoiding me," he insists. "Did I fuck something up or what? You're both telling me nothing and it feels like you're avoiding me. I'm getting so sick of this shit, man."
No, Eli really hasn't done anything. I haven't been trying to avoid him. I just haven't had the time or space to do anything with him when I've been preoccupied. I should probably be angry, but even that conversation I had with him at that party several days ago hasn't really pissed me off so much as shaken me up. Still, Eli is rubbing me the wrong way right now. He makes me think of Kevin and that's the last thing I need today.
I level a glare at him, but I already know that I'm pretending. The fact that he makes me think of Kevin isn't the issue. Not really. It's the fact that Eli wants Kevin that is eating away at me.
Last night, I turned Kevin down flat. I told him to leave and not come back. He swore he wasn't Eli. I swore I didn't want, or at least couldn't allow, Kevin to be anything more than my friend, if that. No matter how true that might be, I'm not comfortable with him dating anyone else, either. I know that's not something I should even be thinking, but it's still true. All of the possessiveness I wanted to spend on him is still there even though it shouldn't be. I really don't want to think about Kevin with anyone else. When that someone else might be Eli, the thought burns even more. I don't know how I'm supposed to put everything with Kevin behind me when it feels like everything that happens around me just pulls him back to the fore.
"I'm sick of it, too." That's the only thing that I can think to say to him, but it doesn't tamp down my irritation. There's only one thing that might. "I need to ask you a question."
Eli shifts, folding his arms across his chest. "What's the question?"
"Did you ask him out or something?"
Kevin had said that he and Eli weren't together. I doubted his response, considering the fact that Eli wants him and usually goes after something when that's the case. Kevin had seemed surprised that I thought they might be together, but I've been wondering if that surprise was feigned.
The look of discomfort on Eli's face intensifies. "I tried to talk to him."
"Tried?" His admission doesn't really parse.
"Tried," Eli repeats, uncrossing his arms and shoving his hands into his pockets instead. "He turned me down flat. Didn't even want to hear it."
Those words send an unexpected spark through my chest. Eli has never been very wordy, but right now I kind of wish that he would tell me why Kevin turned him down. Maybe it's not my business, but I want to know.
"Look," Eli says, swallowing down whatever emotion is on his face, "if you had a problem with it, you should have just said so. Doesn't take a genius to figure out I pissed you off or something, but I asked for a reason. Why didn't you just tell me to back off?"
"I don't have a problem with it." My response is immediate. Eli arches an eyebrow. Even he can smell the bullshit. I think it's time to change the subject. "Did he... talk to you about last night?"
At that, the irritation vanishes from Eli's face and is quickly replaced by surprise. He blinks at me. "What happened last night?"
He really doesn't have a clue. I had halfway expected Kevin to run to him for comfort, or maybe just to talk. That's doubly true since Kevin certainly isn't talking to me for obvious reasons. With Eli looking this clueless, it's kind of hard to suspect him of ducking out on purpose. Something about the fact that Eli really has no idea what happened makes me relax a little.
"Don't worry about it." I don't want to talk about it, especially since he apparently has no idea. All of the poisonous anger from a few minutes ago is gone. I'm still unhappy, but right now I'm just missing my best friend and wishing this conversation was over. Shifting my bag to the other shoulder, I let out a sigh and glance at the door leading out of the locker room. "Look, I'm sorry you got mixed up in this."
"I don't really care what the hell happened," Eli says. "I just want to get back to where we were."
I'm not sure I believe him entirely, but there's no point in arguing. This isn't the first time this week that someone has asked me to go back to what we had before. It's starting to become a theme. How many mistakes have I made without even noticing?
"I'm not up for doing anything tonight." That's the truth, but Eli shrinks in on himself, apparently taking my repetitive statement as a complete rejection. Turning towards him a little, I try to smile. It fails. "But tomorrow's our day off."
Looking up, Eli perks up and his annoyance vanishes. "Yeah, it is. Want to do something tomorrow, then?"
"Lunch sound good?" We haven't eaten at our favorite hangout in... hell, I don't think we've gone there since Kevin returned to Korea. It's time to stop letting Kevin come between us, even though I somehow suspect that our friendship will never be completely unaffected by him.
Eli nods enthusiastically and grins at me. Apparently, an offer of lunch is enough to appease his frustration. "Want me to drive?"
Lunch and a day out is exactly what the doctor ordered. Eli makes for great company when he's in a good mood, and all of my doubts from yesterday were erased as lunch turned into an entire day out. Food turned into shopping for electronics, which somehow turned into a friendly debate over music. Naturally, that required a trip somewhere else for drinks and an early dinner. My first instincts were right, though; time out with Eli always involves a party, and our day out was only cut short when the drinks and dancing on the patio at the last place was interrupted by a downpour.
Unseasonably cold rain continues to pour down onto the windshield of Eli's Land Rover as we head home. He's sober enough to drive, and I'm grateful for a few minutes of quiet to wind down from the good day. I had kind of hoped that the storms would stop yesterday, but I obviously have no luck. However, now that the good mood of the afternoon has passed, the rain feels rather appropriate as I sit in the passenger seat and stare at my phone. Beside me, Eli is talking about some movie he wants to go see that he thinks will be awesome. I'm too lost in my own thoughts to care.
Two days. That's how long it's been since the fight with Kevin, and I haven't heard from him since. Not a word in practice yesterday and not a text or call since. He's the type to apologize swiftly for a slight. This sudden disconnect is alien to me, even though I know it's what I supposedly want. His silence bothers me more than it should. Not that I'll text or call him instead.
A sharp jab against my arm pulls me out of my thoughts. I jerk my head up to look accusingly at Eli. "Hey! What was that for?"
"For a second there, I thought you had fallen asleep," Eli replies, grinning. He pulls back the offending hand that he poked me with, making a show of looking harmless.
Shaking my head, I slide the phone back into my pocket. "No, nothing like that."
"We're almost there."
The euphoria of the evening has definitely faded. I've needed this afternoon out with Eli but I think I'm ready for a little alone time. Between yesterday and today, I feel as though something in my life is seriously out of place. Like maybe I've made a mistake somewhere and haven't quite figured it out yet. I'm not sure I really want to figure out what the mistake is, but some downtime might help.
"You can just drop me here," I murmur. Eli's making for the parking area, but the curb half a block from my front door is fine. I don't mind walking a little ways in the rain.
Pulling the vehicle over to the curb, Eli looks at me curiously. "You sure? It's pouring..."
"Yeah, I'm sure." I waste no time in opening the door and climbing out onto the sidewalk, peering back through the window as he rolls it down. "Thanks for driving today. It was fun. Have a good night."
Turning, I start towards my building, but his voice stops me. "Jaeseop."
"Yeah?" I glance back at him.
"Look, I'm, uh, sorry about yesterday." The words are awkward but sincere, and I feel a flush of gratitude towards him. I've been kind of a dick about letting Kevin come between us. "I mean, I know you're having a rough time and if you need to, I don't know, talk or something..."
Eli the therapist. Definitely not his best role, but I can't suppress a smile. "Thanks, but I think I'll be fine. Appreciate it, though. See you tomorrow?"
"Tomorrow," he promises. He looks a lot more comfortable now that the obligatory offer of support is over. "Take it easy tonight, okay? Later!"
He pulls away from the curb and I find myself grinning as I head towards my apartment. Eli and I used to talk the way he's offering once and a while. Not really since I got back, but maybe I should actually take him up on that sometime. That would be a step in the right direction, I think. Even if I did, though, I don't think I'll ever be able to talk to him about the one problem that has weighed so heavily on my mind recently. That's doubly true after what we talked about yesterday.
One step at a time, I guess. Tossing my phone and keys onto my coffee table as I head inside, I think back wistfully over this afternoon. It's been a while since I've been able to relax that much. I could use a little more fun in my life. I can still hear the music from the place we wound up at for dinner, and it's a stark contrast to just how quiet my apartment seems to be. Maybe I should have asked Eli to stay for a bit or something. Even though I thought I needed some time on my own, I'm not sure I like being alone right now.
Eli was right. I have been having a tough time lately. Maybe I'll take his advice and relax a bit. The best way to do that after a long day is easy enough to figure out. Making up my mind, I head for a shower.
The hot water does a world of good for me. Nearly half an hour later, I'm feeling much more at ease as I pull on a pair of sweatpants and wander out to the living room. Even though I'm feeling better, the apartment still feels unbearably empty. With the recent business at work and my girlfriend staying over all the time, I guess I'm used to having someone around most of the time. Noise would be a good distraction, so I grab the television remote and mindlessly flip through channels until I land on an over-dramatic action movie. Watching the screen without really seeing, I contemplate my plans for the evening. I should probably just turn in since I've got work tomorrow, but a few minutes of zoning out seems like a better idea.
Half an hour of relaxation and self-induced boredom is cut short when a loud, rattling buzz startles me out of my thoughts. My cell phone dances on the coffee table, making far more noise than it probably should for being on silent. Tapping the remote, I turn the television off and grab the cell.
Can't come over tonight. I'll see you tomorrow.
A text from my girlfriend, and it seems I'm definitely doomed to be on my own tonight. Maybe she was the reason I was staying up in the first place, though I can't really say that I want to see her right now. Heaving a sigh, I start to type a quick response.
Knock, knock, knock.
And now someone is at my front door. Glancing up, I shout, "Be there in a minute!"
Firing off a response to my girlfriend, I glance at the clock. Holy shit. It's nearly ten-thirty at night. Why the hell is someone at my front door? It's obviously not my girlfriend. If Eli decided that he needs more company, he's going to be sorely disappointed.
Setting my phone back down onto the coffee table, I get to my feet and tug my sweatpants a little higher on my hips. Not wasting my time, I walk over to the door and pull it open. As soon as I do, I find myself staring. Outside, the rain is still coming down heavily. The downpour hasn't let up even slightly, and the eaves of my building are barely enough to shelter Kevin from the deluge.
He is the very last person I expected to see standing outside of my door tonight. And yet, there he is, eyes wide and wearing a coat. He has a pair of large plastic bags gripped tightly in his right hand. I told him not to come back. He shouldn't even be here.
"Kevi--"
"Please, just let me talk." He cuts me off before I can even get his name out. There’s really not much I can say to that other than to order him away. With no other real options, I just nod in confusion.
In response, Kevin gives me a small smile. The expression flickers across his lips for barely an instant before vanishing once more. I expect him to speak, but for a long moment all he does is take a deep breath in an apparent attempt to steady himself. In the light from my living room lamp, I can see him shivering in the rain.
"When we fought the other day," he begins, "you told me that I hadn't thought about anything that had happened or anything that you said. You were right. I hadn't. I just told you okay without really stopping to think about what might happen, or how it might affect the people around me, or how much it might screw up my life if I actually agreed. I hadn't thought about what it would mean to actually be with you."
All around me, the world seems to have stopped moving. All of the emptiness of my apartment seems to have condensed, forming a nearly tangible bubble around Kevin and I. Static dances across my vision as my heart begins to pound, tension pouring through me as I try to figure out what's happening. Has he really come here just to tell me what a bad idea a relationship with him would have been? I almost wish he had continued not talking to me.
"You told me that you want... a real relationship. That you don't want to have to hide it, and that you want... more than just something once and a while, or a secret, or... whatever you want to call what happened in California. I know you regret that, and I'm sorry."
Kevin swallows hard. He's having trouble getting these words out, almost as much trouble as I am having hearing them. I thought that he was berating me, but he doesn't sound angry or upset. He just sounds desperate, like this is something he really needs me to hear. That small, familiar pain is opening up in my chest once more. No, I want to tell him, I don't regret California. Not like that. I only regret how it ended, and that's part of why it has been so completely impossible to put him and our tryst out of my mind.
I have no idea what is going on, and I can't stay silent any longer. "Kevin, what are you talking about? Why are you even here?"
"Because I came to a realization," he replies quietly. He has been looking at my face, but his gaze flickers awkwardly down to stare at my feet at those words. "I tried to think about why I had a problem in California. My reasoning, I mean. I thought about the worst case scenarios when it comes to what you were asking for. If I could agree to that, if my worst fears came true. And then I thought about what would happen if I just did what you told me and... never came back. If I gave up and walked away, just like I did in San Francisco."
I listen to what he's saying silently. They are cutting into me in a way that I can't define. This hurts, but at the same time there is a terrible, wonderful feeling of hope building in my heart. I shouldn't feel like that, especially not right now, but I have a singular need to hear him finish whatever it is that he's saying.
"What did you conclude?" I ask, not even certain that the words are loud enough to be heard. My stomach flip-flops in uncertainty, anticipating a response from him.
Kevin glances up at me and I know that he did hear. I want him to smile, but he doesn't. He looks incredibly serious, all of his nerves focused on what he is saying. "I realized that things would be very difficult if I said yes. Very difficult, and it could... cause a lot of problems. And, truthfully, I don't know how long it would take before I could give everything that you want. I honestly don't know.
"But the one thing I do know is that my life is incomplete without you in it. And even when we're working together, side by side as friends, that isn't the way things should be. Yesterday felt so wrong at practice, and right now I feel like half of me is missing. I walked away once and have regretted it more than anything else I have done in my life. No matter how difficult this might be, or what might happen, I can't walk away again. This is where I am supposed to be.
He pauses and every nerve in my body winds itself tight. Despite myself, I'm taking a half-step forward to stand directly in the door frame. He is looking me in the eyes and I can see a world of emotion in his gaze. He means all of this. The plastic bags in his hand crinkle, and the air seems to follow suit with static. I count my heartbeats as they pound in my ears. One, two, three... and then he says it.
"Please, Jaeseop," he says. "Please be mine."
Rating: PG
Pairing: JaeVin, ElVin (mentioned)
Chapter: 14/17
Summary: Kevin Woo has resigned. AJ is left with the knowledge that he was not alone in his feelings for the other man and it nearly destroys him. Taking a chance, he follows Kevin to San Francisco in order to try and reclaim the only thing that has ever meant anything to him.
Thunderstorms and headaches set the tone for my Friday. An hour later than they should be, my things are dropped off in the locker room of the building we use for our dance rehearsals. My hair and t-shirt are still damp from the rain as I head to the practice room with a feeling somewhere between anxiety and resignation. I don't want to be here today. I shouldn't be here, and yet I still am. Late, but I'm here.
Last night, after Kevin left, I couldn't sleep. I spent so much time trying to put Kevin out of my mind that he was all I could think about last night. The resolve I felt to put the past in the past is failing. Our argument last night didn't fix anything, didn't make the situation better. The words have left a bad taste in my memory. Everything that was said should have put an end to all of my confused thoughts and self-doubts. After all, I put my foot down and made my decision. I turned him down, told him to leave and never come back. That should have been the end, but I can still feel some of the regret that bothered me during our discussion. I was the one who told him to leave, but I'm still wondering if I should have. And at the same time, I know that I made the right decision. All of these contradictions are only making my headache worse, compounded by everything that he said to me. Heartache is inevitable, I guess. That I can deal with. I'll get over it eventually. I just wonder when eventually will happen.
Until then, I guess I'll have to learn to deal with a little less sleep. Right now, I'm operating on a very brief nap and a lot of caffeine. I'm probably not the only one, but everyone else looks more awake than I feel as the door to the practice room slides shut behind me. The others all glance up, but nobody even says hi. They're all busy with their own work, separated into small groups as they try to sort through whatever sections of the routine have been causing them problems.
A quick glance around is all that I need before my eyes fix automatically on the back of the room. Standing beside the large, frosted window, Kevin is correcting Eli's footwork for the opening of the video routine. Kiseop stands beside them, watching intently as he does his own, different footwork. I'll admit, I'm a little surprised that Kevin showed up today. I had halfway expected him to duck out to avoid me.
Their discussion of steps falls apart as he pauses, looking up at me as I set my water on one of the plastic chairs by the door. For a fraction of a second, his eyes meet mine and I have the uncanny feeling of being able to read everything he didn't say last night in those eyes of his. I know that I'm not imagining the sadness there. As soon as I register the emotion, it's gone. He looks away and ends our silent dialogue. Last night was a painful mess, but it had to happen. I'm sure Kevin knows that, too. Putting an end to whatever was between us once and for all was the right thing to do. That was for the best.
That brief interaction seems to set the feel for our entire practice. Ordinarily, work is fairly relaxed. Sure, we get stuff done, but we're among friends. We have fun even when we're being productive. You know what they say: if you enjoy what you do, you never work a day in your life. Today, it's definitely all work and definitely all business. Our genial conversations and chitchat in between sets is nonexistent. As soon as I head over to talk to Soohyun about what he wants me to do, he gives the instructions and turns back to Dongho to keep going with whatever it is that they're doing. I am forgotten as I hit the floor in a grueling pace that doesn't let up for the next four hours.
Something about the way today's work session feels bothers me deeply. Even after we finish and I head to the showers to clean up, I can still feel how impersonal everything seemed. This wasn't really practice in the sense that I'm used to. I know we're in a hurry and we've only got a few days left. Soohyun has told us all repeatedly that this is our chance to step up our game. Everything has to be perfect. That doesn't change the fact that today felt more like a funeral than our usual routine, and no amount of soap or shampoo in the showers can really make that feeling go away, even though I know it isn't entirely due to work.
Kevin never said anything. Not during practice, not as we were all getting ready to leave. I had expected him to say or do something. Instead, he ignored me entirely. We are no longer friends. I know this is the logical follow-through of our discussion yesterday, but the feeling still sits in my stomach like something dark and out of place. I try to let it go, swirling down the drain along with everything else I want to leave at work.
Clean once more, I head out of the showers and pull on a pair of khaki shorts that I had stored away in a locker. Plain cement walls and a white tile floor make for little distraction as I go through the usual routine of getting myself sorted out and getting my things packed away. I am barely aware of my surroundings until I hear a voice.
"Jaeseop, hey."
Looking up, I finally realize that I'm not alone. Everyone else bailed as soon as time was up, but Eli's still here. He leans against the corner of the lockers and looks at me with no small amount of uncertainty. My first thought is that he doesn't look sick, and he certainly didn't look sick this morning. I wonder if he was faking yesterday when he ducked out of our pre-arranged movie night. Right now, I don't really care.
"Hi," he says again.
Hesitating as I zip up my bag, I nod. "Hi."
"Look, I'm sorry about flaking out on you last night," he starts, reaching up to scratch nervously at the back of his head. "I shouldn't have eaten that crap. That was dumb. But I'm feeling better today and if you w--"
"Not today," I tell him, cutting him off. Closing the locker, I start to walk past him. He won't let me, though. As I move by, he reaches out and grabs my sleeve just long enough to stop me. I pause, but I don't turn to look at him.
"Are you okay? Today was kind of, uh..." He sounds like he's not sure what to say but still wants to start a conversation. We really aren't the heart-to-heart kind of best friends. I'm still adjusting to him worrying about me, when most of what we usually do is hang out or goof off. I don't mind the closeness, but right now all his presence does is make me think of the one thing I'm trying to move away from: Kevin.
For a split second, I debate brushing him off, but I can't bring myself to be that much of a dick. Instead, I heave a sigh and heft my bag further onto my shoulder. "No, I'm not okay. And I really don't want to talk about it."
Eli doesn't reply immediately. When he doesn't say anything, I take a few more steps towards the door. He stops me once again. "It looks like you could use a break."
"I told you I'm not up for anything tonight, Eli."
It doesn't take a psychic to know what he's thinking. He's already said that he feels bad about ditching yesterday. His idea of fun is generally parties, bars, alcohol and all of that socialization that I really don't want to have to deal with right now. At the moment, all I want to do is go home and sort myself out, even if that means avoiding everything that is bothering me at the moment.
"This is about Kevin, isn't it?" Eli's voice is quiet, resigned. He doesn't usually sound like that, and the surprise of his tone is enough to make me turn towards him. He looks uncomfortable and unhappy. I am not the only one affected by everything that has happened. He's been trapped in the mess that is Kevin and me. After all, he is both my friend and Kevin's, probably equally closely. It's easy to forget that when I can't seem to see anyone else in a room but Kevin. This is another problem that I need to work on, one that I'm becoming painfully aware of.
There's no point in being coy. "Yes. This is about Kevin."
For a moment, I wonder if Eli knows what happened last night. Perhaps he really did purposefully skip out on me last night. Asking would be callous, but I'm tempted anyway.
"What the hell is going on with the two of you?" Eli's confusion is clear in his words. He sounds completely baffled, and there's some hurt there, too. "This is messed up, AJ. We used to hang out. Now... now it just all hangs on him."
The unexpected confrontation makes my anger flare, but he's right. This is messed up, and I know it, too. That doesn't change the fact that I don't want to discuss this with him, even if it is throwing a wrench into our friendship. I can regret it later.
"Why do you care?" I ask. He frowns instantly. "My problems with him aren't your business, Eli."
"They're my business when you're both avoiding me," he insists. "Did I fuck something up or what? You're both telling me nothing and it feels like you're avoiding me. I'm getting so sick of this shit, man."
No, Eli really hasn't done anything. I haven't been trying to avoid him. I just haven't had the time or space to do anything with him when I've been preoccupied. I should probably be angry, but even that conversation I had with him at that party several days ago hasn't really pissed me off so much as shaken me up. Still, Eli is rubbing me the wrong way right now. He makes me think of Kevin and that's the last thing I need today.
I level a glare at him, but I already know that I'm pretending. The fact that he makes me think of Kevin isn't the issue. Not really. It's the fact that Eli wants Kevin that is eating away at me.
Last night, I turned Kevin down flat. I told him to leave and not come back. He swore he wasn't Eli. I swore I didn't want, or at least couldn't allow, Kevin to be anything more than my friend, if that. No matter how true that might be, I'm not comfortable with him dating anyone else, either. I know that's not something I should even be thinking, but it's still true. All of the possessiveness I wanted to spend on him is still there even though it shouldn't be. I really don't want to think about Kevin with anyone else. When that someone else might be Eli, the thought burns even more. I don't know how I'm supposed to put everything with Kevin behind me when it feels like everything that happens around me just pulls him back to the fore.
"I'm sick of it, too." That's the only thing that I can think to say to him, but it doesn't tamp down my irritation. There's only one thing that might. "I need to ask you a question."
Eli shifts, folding his arms across his chest. "What's the question?"
"Did you ask him out or something?"
Kevin had said that he and Eli weren't together. I doubted his response, considering the fact that Eli wants him and usually goes after something when that's the case. Kevin had seemed surprised that I thought they might be together, but I've been wondering if that surprise was feigned.
The look of discomfort on Eli's face intensifies. "I tried to talk to him."
"Tried?" His admission doesn't really parse.
"Tried," Eli repeats, uncrossing his arms and shoving his hands into his pockets instead. "He turned me down flat. Didn't even want to hear it."
Those words send an unexpected spark through my chest. Eli has never been very wordy, but right now I kind of wish that he would tell me why Kevin turned him down. Maybe it's not my business, but I want to know.
"Look," Eli says, swallowing down whatever emotion is on his face, "if you had a problem with it, you should have just said so. Doesn't take a genius to figure out I pissed you off or something, but I asked for a reason. Why didn't you just tell me to back off?"
"I don't have a problem with it." My response is immediate. Eli arches an eyebrow. Even he can smell the bullshit. I think it's time to change the subject. "Did he... talk to you about last night?"
At that, the irritation vanishes from Eli's face and is quickly replaced by surprise. He blinks at me. "What happened last night?"
He really doesn't have a clue. I had halfway expected Kevin to run to him for comfort, or maybe just to talk. That's doubly true since Kevin certainly isn't talking to me for obvious reasons. With Eli looking this clueless, it's kind of hard to suspect him of ducking out on purpose. Something about the fact that Eli really has no idea what happened makes me relax a little.
"Don't worry about it." I don't want to talk about it, especially since he apparently has no idea. All of the poisonous anger from a few minutes ago is gone. I'm still unhappy, but right now I'm just missing my best friend and wishing this conversation was over. Shifting my bag to the other shoulder, I let out a sigh and glance at the door leading out of the locker room. "Look, I'm sorry you got mixed up in this."
"I don't really care what the hell happened," Eli says. "I just want to get back to where we were."
I'm not sure I believe him entirely, but there's no point in arguing. This isn't the first time this week that someone has asked me to go back to what we had before. It's starting to become a theme. How many mistakes have I made without even noticing?
"I'm not up for doing anything tonight." That's the truth, but Eli shrinks in on himself, apparently taking my repetitive statement as a complete rejection. Turning towards him a little, I try to smile. It fails. "But tomorrow's our day off."
Looking up, Eli perks up and his annoyance vanishes. "Yeah, it is. Want to do something tomorrow, then?"
"Lunch sound good?" We haven't eaten at our favorite hangout in... hell, I don't think we've gone there since Kevin returned to Korea. It's time to stop letting Kevin come between us, even though I somehow suspect that our friendship will never be completely unaffected by him.
Eli nods enthusiastically and grins at me. Apparently, an offer of lunch is enough to appease his frustration. "Want me to drive?"
Lunch and a day out is exactly what the doctor ordered. Eli makes for great company when he's in a good mood, and all of my doubts from yesterday were erased as lunch turned into an entire day out. Food turned into shopping for electronics, which somehow turned into a friendly debate over music. Naturally, that required a trip somewhere else for drinks and an early dinner. My first instincts were right, though; time out with Eli always involves a party, and our day out was only cut short when the drinks and dancing on the patio at the last place was interrupted by a downpour.
Unseasonably cold rain continues to pour down onto the windshield of Eli's Land Rover as we head home. He's sober enough to drive, and I'm grateful for a few minutes of quiet to wind down from the good day. I had kind of hoped that the storms would stop yesterday, but I obviously have no luck. However, now that the good mood of the afternoon has passed, the rain feels rather appropriate as I sit in the passenger seat and stare at my phone. Beside me, Eli is talking about some movie he wants to go see that he thinks will be awesome. I'm too lost in my own thoughts to care.
Two days. That's how long it's been since the fight with Kevin, and I haven't heard from him since. Not a word in practice yesterday and not a text or call since. He's the type to apologize swiftly for a slight. This sudden disconnect is alien to me, even though I know it's what I supposedly want. His silence bothers me more than it should. Not that I'll text or call him instead.
A sharp jab against my arm pulls me out of my thoughts. I jerk my head up to look accusingly at Eli. "Hey! What was that for?"
"For a second there, I thought you had fallen asleep," Eli replies, grinning. He pulls back the offending hand that he poked me with, making a show of looking harmless.
Shaking my head, I slide the phone back into my pocket. "No, nothing like that."
"We're almost there."
The euphoria of the evening has definitely faded. I've needed this afternoon out with Eli but I think I'm ready for a little alone time. Between yesterday and today, I feel as though something in my life is seriously out of place. Like maybe I've made a mistake somewhere and haven't quite figured it out yet. I'm not sure I really want to figure out what the mistake is, but some downtime might help.
"You can just drop me here," I murmur. Eli's making for the parking area, but the curb half a block from my front door is fine. I don't mind walking a little ways in the rain.
Pulling the vehicle over to the curb, Eli looks at me curiously. "You sure? It's pouring..."
"Yeah, I'm sure." I waste no time in opening the door and climbing out onto the sidewalk, peering back through the window as he rolls it down. "Thanks for driving today. It was fun. Have a good night."
Turning, I start towards my building, but his voice stops me. "Jaeseop."
"Yeah?" I glance back at him.
"Look, I'm, uh, sorry about yesterday." The words are awkward but sincere, and I feel a flush of gratitude towards him. I've been kind of a dick about letting Kevin come between us. "I mean, I know you're having a rough time and if you need to, I don't know, talk or something..."
Eli the therapist. Definitely not his best role, but I can't suppress a smile. "Thanks, but I think I'll be fine. Appreciate it, though. See you tomorrow?"
"Tomorrow," he promises. He looks a lot more comfortable now that the obligatory offer of support is over. "Take it easy tonight, okay? Later!"
He pulls away from the curb and I find myself grinning as I head towards my apartment. Eli and I used to talk the way he's offering once and a while. Not really since I got back, but maybe I should actually take him up on that sometime. That would be a step in the right direction, I think. Even if I did, though, I don't think I'll ever be able to talk to him about the one problem that has weighed so heavily on my mind recently. That's doubly true after what we talked about yesterday.
One step at a time, I guess. Tossing my phone and keys onto my coffee table as I head inside, I think back wistfully over this afternoon. It's been a while since I've been able to relax that much. I could use a little more fun in my life. I can still hear the music from the place we wound up at for dinner, and it's a stark contrast to just how quiet my apartment seems to be. Maybe I should have asked Eli to stay for a bit or something. Even though I thought I needed some time on my own, I'm not sure I like being alone right now.
Eli was right. I have been having a tough time lately. Maybe I'll take his advice and relax a bit. The best way to do that after a long day is easy enough to figure out. Making up my mind, I head for a shower.
The hot water does a world of good for me. Nearly half an hour later, I'm feeling much more at ease as I pull on a pair of sweatpants and wander out to the living room. Even though I'm feeling better, the apartment still feels unbearably empty. With the recent business at work and my girlfriend staying over all the time, I guess I'm used to having someone around most of the time. Noise would be a good distraction, so I grab the television remote and mindlessly flip through channels until I land on an over-dramatic action movie. Watching the screen without really seeing, I contemplate my plans for the evening. I should probably just turn in since I've got work tomorrow, but a few minutes of zoning out seems like a better idea.
Half an hour of relaxation and self-induced boredom is cut short when a loud, rattling buzz startles me out of my thoughts. My cell phone dances on the coffee table, making far more noise than it probably should for being on silent. Tapping the remote, I turn the television off and grab the cell.
Can't come over tonight. I'll see you tomorrow.
A text from my girlfriend, and it seems I'm definitely doomed to be on my own tonight. Maybe she was the reason I was staying up in the first place, though I can't really say that I want to see her right now. Heaving a sigh, I start to type a quick response.
Knock, knock, knock.
And now someone is at my front door. Glancing up, I shout, "Be there in a minute!"
Firing off a response to my girlfriend, I glance at the clock. Holy shit. It's nearly ten-thirty at night. Why the hell is someone at my front door? It's obviously not my girlfriend. If Eli decided that he needs more company, he's going to be sorely disappointed.
Setting my phone back down onto the coffee table, I get to my feet and tug my sweatpants a little higher on my hips. Not wasting my time, I walk over to the door and pull it open. As soon as I do, I find myself staring. Outside, the rain is still coming down heavily. The downpour hasn't let up even slightly, and the eaves of my building are barely enough to shelter Kevin from the deluge.
He is the very last person I expected to see standing outside of my door tonight. And yet, there he is, eyes wide and wearing a coat. He has a pair of large plastic bags gripped tightly in his right hand. I told him not to come back. He shouldn't even be here.
"Kevi--"
"Please, just let me talk." He cuts me off before I can even get his name out. There’s really not much I can say to that other than to order him away. With no other real options, I just nod in confusion.
In response, Kevin gives me a small smile. The expression flickers across his lips for barely an instant before vanishing once more. I expect him to speak, but for a long moment all he does is take a deep breath in an apparent attempt to steady himself. In the light from my living room lamp, I can see him shivering in the rain.
"When we fought the other day," he begins, "you told me that I hadn't thought about anything that had happened or anything that you said. You were right. I hadn't. I just told you okay without really stopping to think about what might happen, or how it might affect the people around me, or how much it might screw up my life if I actually agreed. I hadn't thought about what it would mean to actually be with you."
All around me, the world seems to have stopped moving. All of the emptiness of my apartment seems to have condensed, forming a nearly tangible bubble around Kevin and I. Static dances across my vision as my heart begins to pound, tension pouring through me as I try to figure out what's happening. Has he really come here just to tell me what a bad idea a relationship with him would have been? I almost wish he had continued not talking to me.
"You told me that you want... a real relationship. That you don't want to have to hide it, and that you want... more than just something once and a while, or a secret, or... whatever you want to call what happened in California. I know you regret that, and I'm sorry."
Kevin swallows hard. He's having trouble getting these words out, almost as much trouble as I am having hearing them. I thought that he was berating me, but he doesn't sound angry or upset. He just sounds desperate, like this is something he really needs me to hear. That small, familiar pain is opening up in my chest once more. No, I want to tell him, I don't regret California. Not like that. I only regret how it ended, and that's part of why it has been so completely impossible to put him and our tryst out of my mind.
I have no idea what is going on, and I can't stay silent any longer. "Kevin, what are you talking about? Why are you even here?"
"Because I came to a realization," he replies quietly. He has been looking at my face, but his gaze flickers awkwardly down to stare at my feet at those words. "I tried to think about why I had a problem in California. My reasoning, I mean. I thought about the worst case scenarios when it comes to what you were asking for. If I could agree to that, if my worst fears came true. And then I thought about what would happen if I just did what you told me and... never came back. If I gave up and walked away, just like I did in San Francisco."
I listen to what he's saying silently. They are cutting into me in a way that I can't define. This hurts, but at the same time there is a terrible, wonderful feeling of hope building in my heart. I shouldn't feel like that, especially not right now, but I have a singular need to hear him finish whatever it is that he's saying.
"What did you conclude?" I ask, not even certain that the words are loud enough to be heard. My stomach flip-flops in uncertainty, anticipating a response from him.
Kevin glances up at me and I know that he did hear. I want him to smile, but he doesn't. He looks incredibly serious, all of his nerves focused on what he is saying. "I realized that things would be very difficult if I said yes. Very difficult, and it could... cause a lot of problems. And, truthfully, I don't know how long it would take before I could give everything that you want. I honestly don't know.
"But the one thing I do know is that my life is incomplete without you in it. And even when we're working together, side by side as friends, that isn't the way things should be. Yesterday felt so wrong at practice, and right now I feel like half of me is missing. I walked away once and have regretted it more than anything else I have done in my life. No matter how difficult this might be, or what might happen, I can't walk away again. This is where I am supposed to be.
He pauses and every nerve in my body winds itself tight. Despite myself, I'm taking a half-step forward to stand directly in the door frame. He is looking me in the eyes and I can see a world of emotion in his gaze. He means all of this. The plastic bags in his hand crinkle, and the air seems to follow suit with static. I count my heartbeats as they pound in my ears. One, two, three... and then he says it.
"Please, Jaeseop," he says. "Please be mine."