164: What are you waiting for?
Tosh paced back and forth on her feet, not sure what to do. There were so many things to say, and so many things to do but it was like time stopped. She'd always heard that before, that time seemed to stop and it was like you were frozen. She'd never believed it.
Until now.
It wasn't so much that she was frozen, it was just that she was stuck in this whole mental process that she couldn't get out of. She wondered if this was what OCD was like. She just couldn't stop thinking about what was going on.
Her heart was pounding and all she could hear was the sound of her own breathing even if people were shouting around her.
Just do it Toshiko, just do it. Pick up your feet and move. Go Tosh. Say it. You can do it. What are you waiting for? You have to move, and you have to move on now.
Over and over through her head, and she just couldn't move past it. Feet wouldn't move, hands wouldn't type.
That rush of adrenaline, she could probably feel it gushing into her heart and still, Tosh couldn't move.
What was she waiting for?
She didn't know anymore.
And somewhere in the middle of all that, Tosh realized that the voices weren't her own. Not all of them anyways. And the voices weren't from outside, they were all in her head. And she still wasn't listening to them.
All of that power to listen to people's thoughts, and Tosh could only listen to her own in that moment.
The voice that was telling her to lean forward.
To press her lips against Mary's.
To feel real and feel whole and feel loved.
She knew that Mary was looking at her oddly, like something was wrong, or that Tosh wasn't paying attention, and she wasn't. Slowly her mouth opened and she heard herself speaking, but it was like someone else was talking.
She felt warm hands on top of hers and Tosh's eyes finally focused on Mary. On Mary's lips.
There was no time like the present, right?
Deep down somewhere, she probably knew that all of this was going to end badly. Nothing ever went right for her. She wasn't the girl who was going to fall in love (with another woman even) and that would be that.
Maybe that had finally cemented when she realized how many thoughts were so deep and dark of the people around her.
One deep breath, and Tosh shut her eyes, telling herself to shut up.
And finally she leaned forward and pressed her lips against the sweetest pair of lips she'd ever taste.
At least until the next time.
Until now.
It wasn't so much that she was frozen, it was just that she was stuck in this whole mental process that she couldn't get out of. She wondered if this was what OCD was like. She just couldn't stop thinking about what was going on.
Her heart was pounding and all she could hear was the sound of her own breathing even if people were shouting around her.
Just do it Toshiko, just do it. Pick up your feet and move. Go Tosh. Say it. You can do it. What are you waiting for? You have to move, and you have to move on now.
Over and over through her head, and she just couldn't move past it. Feet wouldn't move, hands wouldn't type.
That rush of adrenaline, she could probably feel it gushing into her heart and still, Tosh couldn't move.
What was she waiting for?
She didn't know anymore.
And somewhere in the middle of all that, Tosh realized that the voices weren't her own. Not all of them anyways. And the voices weren't from outside, they were all in her head. And she still wasn't listening to them.
All of that power to listen to people's thoughts, and Tosh could only listen to her own in that moment.
The voice that was telling her to lean forward.
To press her lips against Mary's.
To feel real and feel whole and feel loved.
She knew that Mary was looking at her oddly, like something was wrong, or that Tosh wasn't paying attention, and she wasn't. Slowly her mouth opened and she heard herself speaking, but it was like someone else was talking.
She felt warm hands on top of hers and Tosh's eyes finally focused on Mary. On Mary's lips.
There was no time like the present, right?
Deep down somewhere, she probably knew that all of this was going to end badly. Nothing ever went right for her. She wasn't the girl who was going to fall in love (with another woman even) and that would be that.
Maybe that had finally cemented when she realized how many thoughts were so deep and dark of the people around her.
One deep breath, and Tosh shut her eyes, telling herself to shut up.
And finally she leaned forward and pressed her lips against the sweetest pair of lips she'd ever taste.
At least until the next time.