Late Night Thoughts
Its roughly 1 am Eastern time ... my first class of Spring Quarter begins in slightly over eight hours, and my eyes had fully adjusted to the pitch black in the bedroom.
So why on earth am I typing this? Honestly? Why?
Maybe because I need to get a few things off my mind, and although I rarely share the inner workings of my mind, it might be beneficial to let other people see them. So before I begin, be advised that this is not, in any way, shape, or form, dealing with any one person or group of persons [for those of you who will actually read this ... my guess is all Two of you].
That having been said, I wonder about the level of latitude or "benefit of the doubt" I am given in life. Just as a general trend, it seems to me that any slip up on my part - with people, with schoolwork, with anything - leads to an immediate and often extreme backlash.
As an example of this, I will discuss my friends in general [again, please recall that there is nothing WHAT SO EVER here that is meant in regards to any person or persons]. My friends in high school are - quite simply - the closest people to me outside of my immediate family. Nobody I have met outside of that group, save possibly three people of very different relations, can even come close. And none have been around for the length of time this group has. I'm talking about a group of friends who got me through three years of a living hell that was a high school ice hockey locker room filled with twelve other guys who thought it would be a real kick if they could bring me down hard, in any way possible. I mean a group of friends I have tried my best - and, I feel, marginally succeeded - to stay close with for as long as Ten Years.
My friends from college and outside are also close to me. I have a small but I feel strong group of friends at school who mean a great deal to me. Whether they feel the same back or not is inconsequential. I know that I'd go to any lengths for the people who fall into these two groups without hesitation. I know what lengths I have already gone for some, and I know what kind of tolerance and patience I have shown them. To me, that's simply part of the job when it comes to being a friend.
Why then does it feel like any screw-up on my end is met by an immediate response - almost always negative - from those I try to extend any amount of patience and respect towards? Why do I feel like something that might well be outside my control always has to bring about a strong and swift reaction? I am an observant fellow: I'm not blind when it comes to my own actions, even though I fully admit it may take me a little while to see what's happening. I voluntarily and whole-heartedly will be the first to voice my shortcomings and mistakes. We all have out flaws and we all make such mistakes. I am not unaware of mine. I'm not unaware of my attitude and personality. I know full well that I can be the stereotypical "tight-ass" for some periods of time . . . okay, some 'extended' periods of time.
So how is it that those who make mistakes they are unaware of, and hurt people - friend and unknown accquaintance alike - can be extended such patience and tolerance, while I am met with immediate response and disappointment? Why is it that those who inflict the most pain, and sometimes go to such lengths as to lie and decieve specifically to wound another, are accepted and forgiven so readily? Why do I feel like any slip-up on my part automatically warrants a strict repercussion?
I know my personality can be a bother to get along with. One possibility: people have already extended a greater amount of tolerance just to put up with me, such that when the shoe drops, it amounts to "the last straw." Another: this is all in my head. A likely possibility given my past perfectionism when I was a kid. A third: Overreaction, plain and simple.
Regardless of the reason, I keep winding up with this feeling like people are eager to drop me off their friends' lists. Almost like waiting for some sign of weakness or dirt that would justify severing ties and walking away. I can think of instances here at OSU where anything from opening my mouth to not opening my mouth have cost me people I considered to be good friends. Times when simply trying to be a friend in what I felt was the best interest of someone else had me sitting alone for days, even weeks on end with no one caring enough to visit. It's really quite trying, to be honest.
I know who I am, and I know what I am capable of. I strive towards being the best I possibly can be, but not so much for myself as for the people close to me. Sitting at the top of the pyramid of quotes on the wall behind my computer monitor is this: "A hero's work is never done." I'm not asking for a break. I'm just wondering why the leniency and compassion I willingly and happily extend to those around me - no matter how close that person may be - feels like it is rarely -- if ever -- returned.
I'm sorry this post ran so long. I have no intention of going back through it now that I've decided to stop, and it is over a half hour since I started. In all likelihood, I will wake up and not even so much as think any of these thoughts while my attention is drawn by the first classes of the new school quarter. I dunno ... maybe I'll come back and make this post private later, or just delete it outright, if I come to my senses.
So why on earth am I typing this? Honestly? Why?
Maybe because I need to get a few things off my mind, and although I rarely share the inner workings of my mind, it might be beneficial to let other people see them. So before I begin, be advised that this is not, in any way, shape, or form, dealing with any one person or group of persons [for those of you who will actually read this ... my guess is all Two of you].
That having been said, I wonder about the level of latitude or "benefit of the doubt" I am given in life. Just as a general trend, it seems to me that any slip up on my part - with people, with schoolwork, with anything - leads to an immediate and often extreme backlash.
As an example of this, I will discuss my friends in general [again, please recall that there is nothing WHAT SO EVER here that is meant in regards to any person or persons]. My friends in high school are - quite simply - the closest people to me outside of my immediate family. Nobody I have met outside of that group, save possibly three people of very different relations, can even come close. And none have been around for the length of time this group has. I'm talking about a group of friends who got me through three years of a living hell that was a high school ice hockey locker room filled with twelve other guys who thought it would be a real kick if they could bring me down hard, in any way possible. I mean a group of friends I have tried my best - and, I feel, marginally succeeded - to stay close with for as long as Ten Years.
My friends from college and outside are also close to me. I have a small but I feel strong group of friends at school who mean a great deal to me. Whether they feel the same back or not is inconsequential. I know that I'd go to any lengths for the people who fall into these two groups without hesitation. I know what lengths I have already gone for some, and I know what kind of tolerance and patience I have shown them. To me, that's simply part of the job when it comes to being a friend.
Why then does it feel like any screw-up on my end is met by an immediate response - almost always negative - from those I try to extend any amount of patience and respect towards? Why do I feel like something that might well be outside my control always has to bring about a strong and swift reaction? I am an observant fellow: I'm not blind when it comes to my own actions, even though I fully admit it may take me a little while to see what's happening. I voluntarily and whole-heartedly will be the first to voice my shortcomings and mistakes. We all have out flaws and we all make such mistakes. I am not unaware of mine. I'm not unaware of my attitude and personality. I know full well that I can be the stereotypical "tight-ass" for some periods of time . . . okay, some 'extended' periods of time.
So how is it that those who make mistakes they are unaware of, and hurt people - friend and unknown accquaintance alike - can be extended such patience and tolerance, while I am met with immediate response and disappointment? Why is it that those who inflict the most pain, and sometimes go to such lengths as to lie and decieve specifically to wound another, are accepted and forgiven so readily? Why do I feel like any slip-up on my part automatically warrants a strict repercussion?
I know my personality can be a bother to get along with. One possibility: people have already extended a greater amount of tolerance just to put up with me, such that when the shoe drops, it amounts to "the last straw." Another: this is all in my head. A likely possibility given my past perfectionism when I was a kid. A third: Overreaction, plain and simple.
Regardless of the reason, I keep winding up with this feeling like people are eager to drop me off their friends' lists. Almost like waiting for some sign of weakness or dirt that would justify severing ties and walking away. I can think of instances here at OSU where anything from opening my mouth to not opening my mouth have cost me people I considered to be good friends. Times when simply trying to be a friend in what I felt was the best interest of someone else had me sitting alone for days, even weeks on end with no one caring enough to visit. It's really quite trying, to be honest.
I know who I am, and I know what I am capable of. I strive towards being the best I possibly can be, but not so much for myself as for the people close to me. Sitting at the top of the pyramid of quotes on the wall behind my computer monitor is this: "A hero's work is never done." I'm not asking for a break. I'm just wondering why the leniency and compassion I willingly and happily extend to those around me - no matter how close that person may be - feels like it is rarely -- if ever -- returned.
I'm sorry this post ran so long. I have no intention of going back through it now that I've decided to stop, and it is over a half hour since I started. In all likelihood, I will wake up and not even so much as think any of these thoughts while my attention is drawn by the first classes of the new school quarter. I dunno ... maybe I'll come back and make this post private later, or just delete it outright, if I come to my senses.