Sleep Eluded Me
Mr. Jones - Counting Crows
Constantly - Immature
2:20 a.m.
April 29, 2023
Mr. Jones - Counting Crows
“Well, I'm gonna paint my picture
Paint myself in blue and red and black and gray
All of the beautiful colors are very, very meaningful
Yeah, well, you know grey is my favorite color”.
Let us Just Jump right into the playlist for Christ's sake. This is core Shannon music. This is the stuff I was listening to in my “formative” years….ie. 10-16 years old. This was def the Shannon vibe of the 1990s. Sure there was some heavy listening of r&b and hip hop and rap at that time because of my best friend NE.
The fact that I practically lived with her family for several years and over many summers and vacations had a huge influence on who I am today. Tone never asks about stuff like that I wish he would ask me about her. During those imprint years, I was with her more than I was with my own family. Especially during the school week…and if I remember clearly and I am sure I could reach out to NE and confirm…her mom never really WANTED to send me back home. I was her “white kid” that matched her in all reality. They were an Interracial family. Rose came from an Italian and Catholic family, and she loved her some black men. NE and her 2 younger brothers ME and AE (who coincidentally has the same “actual” first name as TS) are multi-racial. So I have a really strong foundation in soul music and what it is like to at least grow up in a partially black family. There was always a black dude around. The only one I really remember is Tee though…that’s all I ever knew him by. And if I had to say that he looked like someone from that era I would say he strongly and I MEAN Strongly resembled Treach. And OMG I think that is probably where my admiration of black men really started. When I think about that time and I remember Tee…Treach is pretty much who I picture. Tee always wore baggy Jeans and a black wife beater, he was bald and always had a gold chain with a cross on it and this was the early to mid-1990s. Rose dated a white GI one time named Will…he was fun…I had a crush on him too as a little girl…but it's because he was probably the most fun to be around of all the men Rose dated. He took us to theme parks and the fair and played video games with us, got up, and made us breakfast. He was young I would probably say he was 21 at the time and Rose was likely in her early 30s.
I don’t remember Rose ever having a job…but I do know that all of us kids were left alone a lot, or with Rose’s best friend Lynn…which was odd that a woman in her early 30s was best friends was a 17-year-old girl that was still in high school, looking back on it now. And once Lynn turned 18…we were almost ALWAYS alone. I can remember one time when I was like 13…I was in the car with Just Rose and Lynn because at this time NE and I weren’t in the same school/town and Rose wanted me for the week or something like that or I was out of school and her kids weren’t yet…either way, she wanted me so her and Lynn drove to wherever I lived at the time (actually it was Oxbow NY and they lived in Evans Mills NY at the time and it was about an hour and a half drive to come to get me) but like I said…Rose wanted me with her as often as she could. And my mom worked so much that she didn’t much care and she and Rose didn’t ever really talk that I can remember. I am gonna ask my Aunt about that the next time I talk to her…she will remember better. But I just know I spent an extreme amount of time with Rose at her request and my mom just kind of LET Me. I learned about hip hop and rap, and I learned about hair food and greasing scalps and hot combs. NE and I learned how to cook together. We had crushes on the dudes from Immature
Constantly - Immature
“At night I try
To close my eyes
But I, I can't get much sleep
You're always on my mind”.
(so fucking true…I will always be thinking about TS in the back of my mind….lingering back there…scratching at my cranium walls)
So while my main foundation is in white culture I do also have at least a minimal understanding of a black foundation too but, all TS sees is WHITE WHITE WHITE.
I am glow in the dark. A bright shining beacon of everything he distrusts. Even more so after meeting me and seeing just how simply I live without much effort on my part to like…have to work to survive. And he commonly blames it on me being white. Like it has nothing to do with having enough talent to convince a dude that I love him if I am in need of something for my continued survival. That I really what it boils down to. I convinced EB that I loved him, even though I know that I didn’t. not for real for real. Not the way he deserved not the way I convinced him that I did not the way I should have…fuck I refused to be alone with him on our wedding night. I didn’t even want to have sex with him…and the night before our wedding I banged a black dude named Jonathan in the storage shed at work.
I have always been a slave to my basal primal urges. I have been masturbating almost daily since I was at least 5 years old. I can clearly remember masturbating for like…ever. I love having orgasms. It is the only thing in this world that actually feels good. I never penetrated myself though…just clitoral orgasms. Two different dudes tried to get their dick inside of me before the first one finally got it there. And that was mostly MY doing…because I was getting frustrated with him not being able to get inside of me. I was 15 he was 16 almost 17. And he was my boyfriend. His name was Dusty. He was my 2nd boyfriend after moving to NC from NY. I basically laid him on my living room floor while my mom was at work, after school one day, and I rubbed my pussy on his hard dick until I came on him, and then I shoved his dick in my very wet pussy very forcefully…because being gentle wasn’t cutting it and I just wanted to get it over with…I had an orgasm when I lost my virginity and I know a lot of girls don’t but I already knew that rubbing my clit made it happen….and fuck…feeling him inside of me…that’s when it all went downhill. Dusty and I were together until right before I turned 18. And we had sex every single day from that first time of him getting in until the day we broke up. His mom worked 6 days a week, and my mom worked 7. He drove and we were alone a lot. And it got to the point after a while that my mom let him stay over because she worked 3rd shift as long as we got up and went to school and his mom didn’t mind as long as we were going to school plus we were there every day after school. Eventually though…Dusty quit school to go work for his uncle. When Dusty turned 18 he got a death benefit from his fathers' death when he was much younger. With it, he bought a trailer that he put on a piece of land that was also left to him when he turned 18. And I moved in with him there…now we were a 17-year-old and an almost 19-year-old living on their own.
I am realizing that I have pretty much always done exactly what I wanted to do. Don’t want to stay at home…go to NE’s, Don’t want to be home alone….move in with your high school boyfriend….and I never really ever asked for permission to do any of these things. Even when EB and I moved in together…he moved in with me and my mom and I didn’t ask her…he just…didn’t leave one day and then we were married 2 years later. The same thing happened with TS…I didn’t really ask EB…I just said he needed a place to stay and I offered it. TS was living in his car when I met him. I don’t have any idea of his living situation right now. I don’t think it is anything like what he had with me.
It’s fucked that I can circle all conversations around to TS.