C Y C L E S
When We (Remix) - Tank, Ty Dolla $ign, Trey Songz
You Know I’m No Good - Amy Winehouse
The Sound Of Silence - Disturbed
If You Want Love - NF
Alone - Heart
April 28, 2023
It has been a few days since I have written…I really don’t want to get out of the habit…I am REALLY trying to focus here. But there have been some events the past few days that really needed some… "sitting on”.
I am streaming on tagged right now while I write. I kind of really like streaming and I didn’t think I would, and it has gotten to where it rarely gets sexual. Sure I get flirted with.
Amy Winehouse, You Know I’m No Good is playing right now
“I cheated myself
Like I knew I would
I told you I was trouble
You know that I'm no good.”
And after last night. I feel like trouble. I saw TS. I drove 2 hours to see him. He fell asleep waiting for me to get there…and I waited another almost 2 hours for him when I got there…Spent 3 hours together…and then I drove the 2 hours back home.
And As if right on cue for tonight's theme of CYCLES
The Sound of Silence - Disturbed
“Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again.”
I will always bend to him I think. But the thing is….the fucked up part….I haven’t felt that pain in my chest but one time (and it wasn’t even THAT bad) since I saw him. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT ABOUT!!!! Fucking SOUL TIES! TRAUMA BONDS! FUCK THEM SHITS IN THE ASS! I mean I felt like if I could just see him…feel him they would go away…I knew they were heart pains, being away from him pains….but I WANTED to be wrong about it. He didn’t want to have sex….(which is part of our fucking script…our fucking cycle) but he did want head (of course….because we are falling right back into it) I think I wrote about this in an earlier entry…about how exactly this was going to go.
If You Want Love - NF
“If you want love, you gon' have to go through the pain
If you want love, you gon' have to learn how to change
If you want trust, you gon' have to give some away
If you want love, if you want love”.
That’s how I feel about him sometimes.
I really like how the universe just falls in line with my playlist when I am writing these. It’s like the music is either following me or it is guiding me in my “flow”. And that’s what music is right? Flow?
But, yes…I have to go through the pain he causes to show my love, I need to change to earn his love…and I need to give give give. But then there's the ….what about me…the selfish. The he doesn’t treat me right. Not like even a little. He abandons me when I am at my weakest. Every time I show that I am weak he runs away. So have I changed enough…is it time for him to give some? Isn’t it time for him to bend some for me? Because he says he has…but I don’t see it. But could I just be blind to it? Could I be missing his sacrifices? Am I actually crazy? Am I making up this whole narrative that doesn’t even exist? Because there is no ONE IN OUR relationship. Absolutely NO ONE. He doesn’t talk to anyone about me (so says he) and I don’t really talk to anyone about him. I mean SS (a new local friend that we will talk about at some point) knows a little to a lot about the situation, just because like I literally don’t want to talk to JJ and MD (TS’s Local parental figures) ie. The ONLY other people that I really interact with for real for real. And MD doesn’t say anything bad about TS just that she’s mad as hell at him for putting his hands on me…(I am slightly obsessed with a scar he left on my face…only I know it's there, I think maybe an old friend of mine AG would probably notice the scar…and maybe EB…but no one else I feel like looks at me close enough to see it) So, it is like my little reminder and secret….I don’t even think that TS would notice it. Maybe one day he will read this blog and discover this weird little obsession I have with it. It feels very odd…like there are little knots under my skin. As I age and get crow's feet I feel like the small scars left there will deepen and add character to my face, I don’t anticipate them fading as time goes on.
I reached out to CS (TS brother….I am sure we will talk about him some too) and asked him….if TS claims to hate me so much why does he always come back? And urged that if he could give me a heads up about what the ulterior motive of his coming back is that would be great. But…I've been trying to get CS to reply to me for a few weeks now… just to check on him…because I worry about his well-being as well…there is a whole history there that we will unpack at some point. I just want to have a heads-up for the next hit if I can get one. And THIS IS the CYCLE with him. Hang out, smoke, talk, get head, talk, dip. Rinse and repeat.
Jesus Universe
Alone - Heart
“Till now I always got by on my own
I never really cared until I met you
And now it chills me to the bone”.
Not only does this make me have the big feels about TS…It also reminds me of my mom. And maybe if his birthday wasn’t on the same date as she died. Maybe I put too much weight in that coincidence at some point….but there are a lot of things about him that make me think of my mom and I am just drawn to him and want him need him fucking addicted to him and he knows it. We were supposed to play Fortnite when I got home early this morning at 2:30 am but he wasn’t on. He texted me this morning and said he would catch me on the game later. And asked a follow-up question. A few hours later I replied (I try really hard not to reply to him immediately)…let him know when I would be getting on the game. Let him know that the PS app shows he's in the game but the game shows he hasn’t been on in 2 days (in case it’s a weird glitch) and he hasn’t replied. So I probably won’t text him again until he texts me. I need to not be SOOOOOOOOO aggressive about getting or keeping his attention. I am still a person beyond the emotions and feelings I have for him and I cannot lose myself in him again. I need to be strong. IT NEEDS to be different this time around.