It's been waaaay too long...
I haven't posted a real update since April. That's terrible. I just never seem to find the time or energy to sit down and write. Until you have a kid, you don't understand how difficult it can be to make one simple journal entry. Or to do any simple thing, like the dishes or laundry or eating a meal. Either I don't have the time, or I have the
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I have never really been a clucky person - children do not interest me much. In fact, I suspect that I don't even like them. People tell me all the time that I'd be a good mother because I'm always looking out for other people but I haven't got the patience for children, and don't think I'd really be able to sacrifice the time and self I'd need to devote to them. So I haven't had much of a desire to have them. In recent years, I've thought about this a lot because while I don't particularly want children now, I really think that I would regret it later in life if I didn't have any, and I do not want to be an old mother.
When you were pregnant you posted a lot about how much you loved the little guy inside you, and you were so excited about it. You made me think differently about pregnancy. When I imagine it for me, I imagine sickness and the violation of my body and it scares me. But you gave me something beautiful to consider. I was excited for you, because you were excited, and you shared that. A lot of people share their pregnancy and birthing horror stories, and try to out-do each other with stories of how badly their children behave and what they have to put up with. You were one of the first to be so honest about how much you were looking forward to meeting your new baby and I saw something different about childbirth, something that wasn't just pain and indignity.
Considering how much you wanted to be a mother, I really feel so bad for you that it isn't what you wanted, and by the looks of it is so much worse than what a lot of people deal with. Undiagnosed illnesses in you both and the baby are just exhausting and frustrating and depressing. I have never had a baby so I can't offer you any useful advice or much by way of consolation. But I really, really hope that you get some answers soon, for both of you. And that Ilan settles and turns out to be the perfect toddler.
My mum tells me I was the kind of horror baby new mothers would want to throw out the window. I screamed all the time, and was whiny and difficult. But now I'm the best daughter ever, so maybe it will work out happier for you soon.
I don't really know why I'm telling you this, or what I think I'm saying. I think I want to have children before I'm 30 (and considering I'm not far from 27 that really doesn't give me a lot of time to decide and get on with it) but I'm so afraid of giving birth, of losing my identity as myself and not just someone's mother, of the post-natal depression I'm pretty certain I would suffer (considering I have an anxiety disorder and bouts of depression already). I'm so afraid I would resent my child for doing all those things to me, and be a selfish miserable mother who didn't show her children as much love and affection as they would need. I fear I wouldn't be a good parent at all and I wouldn't be able to cope. And what if I passed on the bipolar or schizophrenia that are so common in my family? I would hate to think my kids would have to suffer from such dreadful diseases.
But I fear that if I don't have children now, I will settle in the next decade or so and regret it bitterly, and because of the fact that my own mother was almost 40 when she had me the relationship we have isn't great, I really firmly believe that I do not want to have kids when I'm that old. I don't want such a huge generation gap between us, and I want to be friends with my children.
I struggle with this a lot, and I don't know who to discuss it with. Brad just tells me over and over that it's my choice and he's very supportive of whatever I want - but I don't know what I want! And no one will decide for me ...
But I wish life was happier for you. You wanted this so much. It's clear that you love Ilan though, and your photographs seem to show some happy moments. Maybe as the months pass there will be more happy moments that sad ones.
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