so there's this guy...
So there is this guy... I really don't know what to do about it, I have prayed, but I don't kow if I've gotten an answer. I know that I need to focus on God, and on my outreach, but at the same time, when I leave this place in 10 days (holy cow) so does he, and I don't know when I will see him again.
I just feel something differnt with him. Everytime we hang out, I am so excited, and it's fun. I told my parents about him the other day, and that was pretty cool, because I don't usually talk to them about that kind of stuff, but they had some good things to say.
The thing is... everything is different. We met on a prayer walk, we live next to eachother, when we talk, it's not all about dumb things, but there is depth in the conversation, and we talk about God and the future. One of the first times we talked, we talked about our passion for youth, and church, and how he wants to be a pastor, and I don't know, I observed that conversation, and then I looked back on all of the other guys that I have liked in the past, and this time it is so different. I have definitely brought this to the Lord, and not out of anger or frustration like I did with Jack, or other guys, but I layed him down, and told God that no matter what I will serve him, and if this guy isn't in my future, than I am ok with that, because Jesus will be with me.
Man... YWAM definitely changes you. I remember when I first got here, and how different I was, and now to look at the person that I am now. It's pretty amazing. Last night I went on a date with Jesus, and this is one of my new favorite things to do. But at the same time, a lot of things came out that I didn't know were there. I had to ask for forgiveness for my attitude towards my korean brothers and sisters. Last night during our team time, I had a really difficult time, and I felt trapped and alone and isolated. I didn't think I was going to be able to do it. Over time, the night got better, and we laughed a lot which always makes everything better, but it was still really hard.
I am also sarting to freak out slightly, because I leave for Japan in 10 days. I am not ready. I'm not ready to say goodbye, I'm not ready to leave this place, I don't know if I am ready to go to Japan, and put to practice everything that I've learned. My fear is that I am all talk, but that I don't know how to walk. I see this as satan trying to attack me, and I am glad that I can recognize it, but it still doesn't make it easy. His attacks suck, and it comes down to relying on God for EVERYTHING. I think this is going to be a big concept for me not only on outreach but for the rest of my life.
Another thing I am worried about is that I am going to be a homebody when I return. I don't want to be stuck in this YWAM bubble, but at the same time, how do I just step back in to these friendships after months with very limited communication. My fear is that it will be really awkward when I return. The thing is... for a lot of people they are going home to friends and family that's not the greatest, and I keep talking about how when I go home I have a great support system of friends and family, and this is true but will I ever hang out. When I read chris's journal and about the weekends events, I knew that if I was at home, I would have most likely been there, but when I read it from here...thousands of miles away, nothing from that night was appealing to me. Just sitting around and watching tv. I haven't watched tv in 3 months, and that feels great. I love it. And even though we aren't always active here, it is almost always life-giving. Before we go to bed, we pray for one another, or when we are sitting on the courtyard, we are discussing God and real-life issues. When a brother or sister asks for prayer, you stop what you are doing, and pray for them. Before I came here, I never asked people to pray for me. There have only been a few rare occasions where I would, but now, I realize the power in prayer, and we/i pray all the time. I know that I will still be able to do this when I return home, but is that all I will do? Will it be easier for me to spend time praying than hanging out? And I know this way of thinking is wrong, because with the 3-legged stool, you need fellowship with other believers, but will I be strong enough to do it.
This morning when I was laying in bed trying to wake up, I started thinking about what I will do when I get home, and then I thought about the YWAM base in the springs, and how I might just be able to hang out up there. I can drive the students around, and be a helper without being a leader. But then is that getting me stuck in the YWAM bubble? The bubble that I am trying to stay away from? I don't know, I am just in a really weird place right now, and I think it's that sort of "senior mentality complex" where you're a senior in high school, about to graduate, and you have a million questions, and no answers.
Lord please help me. I don't know what to do... about this boy, about going home, about life when I return home, about Japan, about my feelings towards my korean brothers and sisters, about so many things. I know that you have the answers, and I am ready to hear them whenever you are ready to tell me. Lord I pray for my friends back home, and I pray that you surround them with your love and peace right now. Be with them as they learn to walk in you more and more. Lord please help me these next few days. Love feast is going to be great, but I think it's also going to be really hard, because that's when we really start saying goodbye. Give me your strength Lord, I am nothing without you, I can't do anything on my own, and I don't want to. I want to include you in every thought and action. Thank you for loving me, and being with me. You have transformed me, and I am forever thankful. I will praise you forever.
Shannon
I just feel something differnt with him. Everytime we hang out, I am so excited, and it's fun. I told my parents about him the other day, and that was pretty cool, because I don't usually talk to them about that kind of stuff, but they had some good things to say.
The thing is... everything is different. We met on a prayer walk, we live next to eachother, when we talk, it's not all about dumb things, but there is depth in the conversation, and we talk about God and the future. One of the first times we talked, we talked about our passion for youth, and church, and how he wants to be a pastor, and I don't know, I observed that conversation, and then I looked back on all of the other guys that I have liked in the past, and this time it is so different. I have definitely brought this to the Lord, and not out of anger or frustration like I did with Jack, or other guys, but I layed him down, and told God that no matter what I will serve him, and if this guy isn't in my future, than I am ok with that, because Jesus will be with me.
Man... YWAM definitely changes you. I remember when I first got here, and how different I was, and now to look at the person that I am now. It's pretty amazing. Last night I went on a date with Jesus, and this is one of my new favorite things to do. But at the same time, a lot of things came out that I didn't know were there. I had to ask for forgiveness for my attitude towards my korean brothers and sisters. Last night during our team time, I had a really difficult time, and I felt trapped and alone and isolated. I didn't think I was going to be able to do it. Over time, the night got better, and we laughed a lot which always makes everything better, but it was still really hard.
I am also sarting to freak out slightly, because I leave for Japan in 10 days. I am not ready. I'm not ready to say goodbye, I'm not ready to leave this place, I don't know if I am ready to go to Japan, and put to practice everything that I've learned. My fear is that I am all talk, but that I don't know how to walk. I see this as satan trying to attack me, and I am glad that I can recognize it, but it still doesn't make it easy. His attacks suck, and it comes down to relying on God for EVERYTHING. I think this is going to be a big concept for me not only on outreach but for the rest of my life.
Another thing I am worried about is that I am going to be a homebody when I return. I don't want to be stuck in this YWAM bubble, but at the same time, how do I just step back in to these friendships after months with very limited communication. My fear is that it will be really awkward when I return. The thing is... for a lot of people they are going home to friends and family that's not the greatest, and I keep talking about how when I go home I have a great support system of friends and family, and this is true but will I ever hang out. When I read chris's journal and about the weekends events, I knew that if I was at home, I would have most likely been there, but when I read it from here...thousands of miles away, nothing from that night was appealing to me. Just sitting around and watching tv. I haven't watched tv in 3 months, and that feels great. I love it. And even though we aren't always active here, it is almost always life-giving. Before we go to bed, we pray for one another, or when we are sitting on the courtyard, we are discussing God and real-life issues. When a brother or sister asks for prayer, you stop what you are doing, and pray for them. Before I came here, I never asked people to pray for me. There have only been a few rare occasions where I would, but now, I realize the power in prayer, and we/i pray all the time. I know that I will still be able to do this when I return home, but is that all I will do? Will it be easier for me to spend time praying than hanging out? And I know this way of thinking is wrong, because with the 3-legged stool, you need fellowship with other believers, but will I be strong enough to do it.
This morning when I was laying in bed trying to wake up, I started thinking about what I will do when I get home, and then I thought about the YWAM base in the springs, and how I might just be able to hang out up there. I can drive the students around, and be a helper without being a leader. But then is that getting me stuck in the YWAM bubble? The bubble that I am trying to stay away from? I don't know, I am just in a really weird place right now, and I think it's that sort of "senior mentality complex" where you're a senior in high school, about to graduate, and you have a million questions, and no answers.
Lord please help me. I don't know what to do... about this boy, about going home, about life when I return home, about Japan, about my feelings towards my korean brothers and sisters, about so many things. I know that you have the answers, and I am ready to hear them whenever you are ready to tell me. Lord I pray for my friends back home, and I pray that you surround them with your love and peace right now. Be with them as they learn to walk in you more and more. Lord please help me these next few days. Love feast is going to be great, but I think it's also going to be really hard, because that's when we really start saying goodbye. Give me your strength Lord, I am nothing without you, I can't do anything on my own, and I don't want to. I want to include you in every thought and action. Thank you for loving me, and being with me. You have transformed me, and I am forever thankful. I will praise you forever.
Shannon