(no subject)
i have never had such issues in my life. i have never felt so ugly, fat, unattractive or undesirable. i was just talking with lindsay. i told her how i felt like girls who are fatter than me but who are confident are better off, they get attention from guys. it seems so trivial to focus on guys...like what is this?? junior high? but the truth is, im afraid that if i dont lose weight i will never be confident and will never be able to find someone that i can marry and have children with and grow old with. so this trivial thing becomes something much bigger. i want to be successful in my career, but more than anything i want to get married and have a family, and i cant do that if i feel like im not worth anything. and i dont. i feel like im fat and ugly and theres always gonna be some skinny pretty girl that is actually worth someones time. i suspect that if i lost the fat i would be able to feel better about myself and my problems would be nonexistent, but what if i didnt feel better? that means its something wrong with my personality. and i cant fix that. and im fucked. fat and ugly does not happy make. im gonna have alot of cats.