(no subject)
Rough night. I havent accomplished anything, but the night is young and i cant sleep. ive already cleaned and rearranged the kitchen and cleaned up all my stuff from the living room, and i still cant sleep...despite 2 glasses of wine. so now im on my third glass and maybe i might actually get some homework done or something. its one in the morning.
the fact that i cant have ryan isnt what bothers me most...i mean i liked him, but he's not really the problem. the problem is that i was having fun having an innocent crush - something that ive honestly been deprived of since my senior year of high school. crushes are fun, ya know? i think that they preserve one's faith in young, fun, spontaneous love. theres always something that gets in my way, like im not allowed to believe in love. Ryan is so hopelessy in love with his ex-girlfriend, its like its impossible to chip through to the fun person he is without her influence. i tried to tell him that, from experience, it would get old...he would get sick of waiting around for her and constantly convincing himself that someday maybe she'll realize she made a mistake and really should be with him. eventually you grow up and move on. but it took me years and i cant expect him to understand until he experiences it. and i just dont have time for that - i graduate in 6 months. so i cant have him. no big deal really. but the fact is, i feel like i cant have anyone. like theres no one out there for me. and its lonely...and im treating it with wine. by my lonely 22nd birthday i should be a full-blown alcoholic. that is if i make it through the holidays without doing the same. i look around at all the people i know (practically everyone i know) who are in relationships, and i cant expect them to understand...but some of them, i dont know...i guess i look at them and wonder "if they can find love, why cant i?". what the hell is so wrong with me that i cant find anyone who can tolerate me or see more in me than just a friend? like there must be something seriously wrong that i just dont get. i suppose it could be the superficial stuff, my weight and appearance (which im not crazy about) but ive seen fat and ugly people who find love...which means i think it has to be deeper than that. which means i probably cant fix it. which means im screwed.
the fact that i cant have ryan isnt what bothers me most...i mean i liked him, but he's not really the problem. the problem is that i was having fun having an innocent crush - something that ive honestly been deprived of since my senior year of high school. crushes are fun, ya know? i think that they preserve one's faith in young, fun, spontaneous love. theres always something that gets in my way, like im not allowed to believe in love. Ryan is so hopelessy in love with his ex-girlfriend, its like its impossible to chip through to the fun person he is without her influence. i tried to tell him that, from experience, it would get old...he would get sick of waiting around for her and constantly convincing himself that someday maybe she'll realize she made a mistake and really should be with him. eventually you grow up and move on. but it took me years and i cant expect him to understand until he experiences it. and i just dont have time for that - i graduate in 6 months. so i cant have him. no big deal really. but the fact is, i feel like i cant have anyone. like theres no one out there for me. and its lonely...and im treating it with wine. by my lonely 22nd birthday i should be a full-blown alcoholic. that is if i make it through the holidays without doing the same. i look around at all the people i know (practically everyone i know) who are in relationships, and i cant expect them to understand...but some of them, i dont know...i guess i look at them and wonder "if they can find love, why cant i?". what the hell is so wrong with me that i cant find anyone who can tolerate me or see more in me than just a friend? like there must be something seriously wrong that i just dont get. i suppose it could be the superficial stuff, my weight and appearance (which im not crazy about) but ive seen fat and ugly people who find love...which means i think it has to be deeper than that. which means i probably cant fix it. which means im screwed.