Happy Birthday...Or something like that....
I remember now why I hate birthdays. They're a let down, regardless of what you did or did not expect. I don't expect a whole lot anymore, so it shouldn't be that hard to impress me right? I get to school, expecting nothing, to be surprised with lots of things. My kids are amazing! I coast through the morning, happily, til lunch, when I have to bust some students for bad behavior. Greart morning leads to cranky afternoon because of said kids, and unfortunate incident with temporary principal. Let down? Yes. I was built up only to crash.
He didn't call me. He didn't text me. Didn't even send me an email. Yes, its bothering me. Should it? No. We hung out, out of the blue, things got out of hand when they shouldn't have, and now I'm the one left stressing, wondering where we stand. It feels so lonely, but compressed at the same time. Compressed like I can breathe through the clouds of well wishers surrounding me. Nice.
The other man didn't call me, text me, talk to me either. Two years together, and he can't even remember to say hi on my birthday. Maybe he did remember, but just didn't want to acknowledge it. I guess I'll never know. That one really shouldn't bother me, I know, since I'm so much better off alone, but it still does. Plus, the selfish part of me says I called him on his brithday, why can't he show the same courtesy? Shouldn't care....but tell that to my heart.
Right now, its 5:39. 21 years, 6 hours, 3 minutes ago I came into this world, welcomed by two parents. Yet on this day, only one of them thinks of me. Only one of them remembers that moment and cares enough about it to recognize the day. Yes, the other people have brought me down a bit, but the crushing blow to it all is that the man half responsible for my creation can't even remember to call me. Doesn't care enough to pick up a phone. He forgot last year too, so I guess it shouldn't surprise me. I haven't heard from him in months, so why did I expect today to be different?
I was supposed to be daddy's little girl. Always wanted to live that fantasy. Never will. Some days, when the wondering gets me down, I just pretend that he's away on a business trip, like when I was a child. Sick, huh? That me, a grown up who's supposed to have it together, has to live in a fantasy so that the weight of her reality doesn't crush her. I don't think I can take the heartache anymore. Its so hard to explain that you're dad's an addict, strung out somewhere to the point that he might not even recognize you anymore, let alone remember your birthday.
On days like today, when I'm supposed to be the happiest, I wonder if today will be the day I get the phone call saying he's gone. My famils often talks about my 80 year old grandmother often, and how lucky we are to still have her with us. They talk about her, and I think of my father. Will he make it to my next birthday? What about my college graduation? Will he walk me down the aisle at my wedding? Do I want him to? Will he meet his grandchildren? Or more specific things; things I take for granted: Does he have somewhere to sleep? Is he eating? Or did he spend his last few dollars on another chance at a high? Will he try to get in touch with me today? Or will today be the day I find out he's gone forever?
Another birthday, another let down.....