I should be sleepin 'stead of keepin these late hours I've been keepin
Why? How is it that I can take a perfectly lovely thing and destroy it? What is it in me that screams to not be alone? Why can't I just have friends and relax and jsut trust that someday, someone, somewhere might just really like me, without me having to wear my heart on my sleeve or bat my eyes or flirt like a maniac?
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
I wish I knew how to fight the demon that tells me I can't be alone....or more importantly the one that says I am alone.
No one was kidding when they said that this was going to be a tough battle to fight....They weren't kidding when they said my baby steps forward would be countered by big steps back.
My heart just hurts right now. I'm sick to my stomach. I don't like this. I wish I had an instant fix pill, a one stop shop that could just make this all go away. I don't like the feelings that dealing with my past evoke. Its so hard to drudge up the hurt again, and feel the pain again, and walk through the hurts just so I can get past them. I wish that I could just stuff it all away again sometimes. It was almost easier to be numb to the pain than to face it and walk through it. No one likes to hurt in the first place, but to have to hurt all over again just so you can move on....well, some moments its unbearable.
Who told us we’d be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
Were asking why this happens to us
Were asking...
Who have died to live, it’s unfair
I can't go back to the way things were though. It makes me cry to think about how lost and hurt I was, and how lost and hurt I'd remain if that's where I went back to. The past will always be there to haunt me, it seems. Like my shadow, it will always follow me. I know thats a lie, and I'll be able to move forward by the grace of God. But at moments like this, that seems like such a foreign concept to me that I can't even begin to explain it.
I don't want to be the victim anymore. I don't want to use my story for pity, for everyone to say what an ordeal I've been through. I'm ready to have victory over my hurt and suffering. God hasn't given me more than i can bear; He's just given me a lot to work on, and sometimes that just seems like a heavy load to bear. Maybe my story will be used someday though. Maybe someone will understand what I'm going through and have hope that they can make it through too.
I don't know how many more wounds my heart can take. I need to keep moving forward. I need to have patience. I need to know grace.
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held