It's Done
I finally lost hope. I cried, and I cried, and I cried until there were no tears left to cry. There' s just none left anymore.
I lost my big brother.
I still don't understand why or how. The only thing I know about is so petty that I almost wish I did something so much more outrageous and awful that I just have no clue about.
I tried to open myself up one last time, and I couldn't even evoke a feeling of sorrow from him. He couldn't even show that he's been affected by it at all.
It doesn't matter what other people tell me. I've said time and time again, words mean nothing to me anymore. I've been burned so many times by them that I just don't believe it until I see it, until I hear it, until I feel it. It needed to come from him.
He can sit there and talk about the ideals of brotherhood, fraternity, friendship, loyalty, and trust, and I don't believe him.
If he truly understands all of that, why am I such an exception? What about me? Where did I go so wrong to deserve this?
I forgave him a long time ago, but I'm afraid the memory is now but a giant scar across my heart. I cannot continue to make it larger. I'm throwing in the towel, finally. I give up.
It's going on four months now and it's been nothing but pure hell. It's been hell on me, and worst of all, it's been hell on my friends.
I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry. I can't tell you just how sorry I am.
To see that empty space on the paper where his little brothers should go just breaks my heart. That's not the answer.
This Monday it ends.
I lost my big brother.
I still don't understand why or how. The only thing I know about is so petty that I almost wish I did something so much more outrageous and awful that I just have no clue about.
I tried to open myself up one last time, and I couldn't even evoke a feeling of sorrow from him. He couldn't even show that he's been affected by it at all.
It doesn't matter what other people tell me. I've said time and time again, words mean nothing to me anymore. I've been burned so many times by them that I just don't believe it until I see it, until I hear it, until I feel it. It needed to come from him.
He can sit there and talk about the ideals of brotherhood, fraternity, friendship, loyalty, and trust, and I don't believe him.
If he truly understands all of that, why am I such an exception? What about me? Where did I go so wrong to deserve this?
I forgave him a long time ago, but I'm afraid the memory is now but a giant scar across my heart. I cannot continue to make it larger. I'm throwing in the towel, finally. I give up.
It's going on four months now and it's been nothing but pure hell. It's been hell on me, and worst of all, it's been hell on my friends.
I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry. I can't tell you just how sorry I am.
To see that empty space on the paper where his little brothers should go just breaks my heart. That's not the answer.
This Monday it ends.