Aug 07, 2005 18:07
Well the truth is, I am going back home. I am not happy here in a land where i thought dreams were right in your grasp. But you want to know the truth, My dreams were coming true right under my nose and i left. I left as an ignorant, selfish person. I am coming home a different person. Dreams just do not happen. There is a lot of hard work that in involved and in no shape way or form did i come to California with that mind set. Perhaps this is a place for me to live but if it is, it is entirely the wrong time. So is this giving up? Is this failure? No. It is a learning experience that i needed to work through. Its not that i can not live out on my own. It is with what circumstances i surround myself with that determines my longevity in such a place. I used to think California was a goal of mine. But i realized it was just an adventure i wanted to take with Doug. And after the adventure is done, the reality of it all is i am unwilling to work for something i have no use for.
A part of me thinks I did not come out for myself. And truthfully, a part of me did come out for ties. I was worried if i did not come to California, my first best friend would think of me as a lesser person. I was unwilling to let someone i loved and cared for so much exit out of my life forever. I knew my family and friends would always be there for me back home, so i felt safe in coming to California to be with Doug. It was very selfish of me. To come out to California, boosting myself up on the love of people I left behind just to make sure I could still be Doug’s best friend? SO let the truth be told. If in order for us to both be happy we must live on other sides of the country, and let our friendship dwindle, I choose that road. Not saying we both wont be friends, but I can already tell the fact we are drifting. It has a lot with me being very depressed, and a lot with Doug trying to flourish in new surroundings. I am nothing but something to hold him back.
But in this story of not making it where so many thought i would escalate, there is a new chapter. I am coming home. I am going to a place where my heart grows. Sure, home does not contain the plethora of excitement and fast paced life that a big city has to offer. But it does offer and evoke from me a sense of pride, love and compassion. My family is back home. A family it took me 19 years to obtain. I am literally a pile of ashes. But from these ashes will burst forth a phoenix so intense, so magnificent, I will Blow you away.