I dont know what to say . . .
I don't know what to say right now, but I believe I should say something. I've been in a relatively relaxed and calm state about my current plight, except for the added stress of homework. I remember feeling like this after I found out Andie had slept with Noah. It was a reassuring feeling that things were getting better until a couple weeks later, the feelings came back again. The anger rose once again and I could hardly stand looking at her. I want to talk to her so bad, and I want to just hold her because I still care for her, but I know I can't. I can't put myself through that again, I can't allow her to hurt me like always. I know it will never be the same, and I know I have to move on...but it's hard. Everyone says to just move on, but it's not that simple. It reminds me of when I was at Pizza Hut last Friday and Dave came over and was like "Just get over it. I've been through this before." I couldn't get over it...and it was during the time of my frustrations and the anger level was high. I wanted to jump over britanny and stab him with a fork. He says he's been through this before, but he's also a virgin. It is true that more feelings arise when there's sex involved. It takes the relationship to another level and brings the two people closer together. This is one of the reasons I always say Andie and Noah fucked....it gives it the connotation of animalistic urges, and it helps me cope because I'm not saying they "made love." That statement would just rip me up too much inside. It would give me the ideas that it really meant something and it was a cherished moment. Fucking doesn't do that, it's just for sheer pleasure and nothing more. It helps me deal. But anyways, he's also said he's been through it before. This is practically the third time for me, so if anyone's the veteran between Dave and I, it's me. The only other two real girlfriends I've had have been rumored to have cheated on me, but they would never tell me. No woman I've been with has ever really been able to be honest with me. The first one, was just a slut...we dated a short while and people kept telling me she was cheating on me, but I didn't want to believe it, she was my first real girlfriend, she wouldn't do something like that to me...or so I thought. My second one...was still a relatively short relationship but longer than the first and I kept being told she was cheating on me...but it was by a person I was told by her was her cousin. I didn't think anything could have happened...but after I finally broke up with her, they ended up becoming engaged, now married, and have a daughter. Some cousin that one is...well I guess I did find out he wasn't really her cousin, but he was "like family." that's why I said I was tired of going through this. I've been cheated on in the past, but this one hurt the most. I had so many more feelings for Andie than either of those two combined. I lost my virginity to Andie and I cherished the time I spent with her...I didn't take HER for granted. Our relationship was the longest one I've ever been in, and actually the most happy, except for the end, but most relationships don't end happy. This one was also harder because I was actually told she fucked Noah by someone I actually trusted. Before it was just by random people I hardly knew, but they were the girls' friends....This person was my friend, one of the friend's I confide in and he knows how much it would hurt me. I was talking to him(Matt) about everything and I asked him about his distrust and disliking of Andie. I was asking him if it was only because him and I had known each other for quite a while and have become good friends. He basically said yes. He said he has gotten to know the true person I am, the relatively nice person I am to almost anyone. He knows I didn't deserve any of this. That's what's making everything so hard. Our friends . . . I'm not saying they're to blame, but it makes it hard for Andie and me. If we didn't have mutual friends, we wouldn't have to hang out and could avoid eachother sooner. If we didn't have mutal friends, our friends wouldn't be stuck in the middle. If we didn't have mutual friends, her friends might not be saying anything to her because they wouldn't have gotten to know me as well. If we didn't have these mutual friends, I probably never would have known. Thanks to all of you who are our mutual friends. But anyways, Matt was saying that he probably wouldn't care near as much if Andie had cheated on her boyfriend if he didn't know me and was only friends with her. He still would have disliked her, I'm sure, but it wouldn't have been as strong (IN MY OPINION).
Everything hurts though. My head, my eyes, my back, my heart.....I just want to forget. I just read Andie's lj before posting one of my own and it was sounding like she was wanting to run away again. I guess I don't necessarily blame her for wanting to go away because of all the drama that is arising. But she can't run away from her problems. She will be abandoning everyone...except Tony apparently. I've never heard of Tony wanting to move to Colorado, but whatever.... She was saying they wouldn't move until after the summer and she could have things fixed by then. I don't necessarily know if this is true. It's going to take a lot to gain our trust back and it's going to take a lot of work for her to change. I don't know if she would be able to do it over one summer. And changing would be very hard over the summer because more parties and more alcohol will be circulating because of the added number of people. It would be hard for her not to want to drink, smoke, or....whatever...... And if she would move, what's to say that she actually would change? How would it be that she changes to keep the people around her, but then leaves them all? Maybe it's just me thinking and talking about something I know nothing about. One thing that makes me unsure about the whole thing with Noah coming over the other day. She was saying Noah just showed up at her door and remembered how to get there. He just remembered after a year. That sounds a little fishy. I keep wondering if she gave him a refresher on where she lives and was expecting him to come over. Granted her house is relatively easy to find, but if you haven't been in the area in a year and haven't even been around there that often, how exactly are you going to remember where its at? Maybe I'm mistaken and he has an amazing memory. But if he has a great memory...why couldn't he remember she was in a happy relationship? Sorry, there I go again asking the questions I'll never know the answer to, but I want to know. I'm curious person... I just want honesty, but that's hard to get these days. I know other people are being honest with me, but I know at times it can be distorted. Like Dave going back and telling Andie stuff on Friday. He didn't know what the fuck he was talking about when he was telling Andie half of that stuff. He messed so many things up. My look at her first off wasn't an angry look, it was more of a look of shock that she was actually there. Matt's on the other hand prolly was angry. Him bouncing back and forth helped no one out. Just pissed everyone off more. Nice going Dave.
Take care all....and remember....if you think your day is going bad...read my journal...10 bucks says mine's continually going worse.
Everything hurts though. My head, my eyes, my back, my heart.....I just want to forget. I just read Andie's lj before posting one of my own and it was sounding like she was wanting to run away again. I guess I don't necessarily blame her for wanting to go away because of all the drama that is arising. But she can't run away from her problems. She will be abandoning everyone...except Tony apparently. I've never heard of Tony wanting to move to Colorado, but whatever.... She was saying they wouldn't move until after the summer and she could have things fixed by then. I don't necessarily know if this is true. It's going to take a lot to gain our trust back and it's going to take a lot of work for her to change. I don't know if she would be able to do it over one summer. And changing would be very hard over the summer because more parties and more alcohol will be circulating because of the added number of people. It would be hard for her not to want to drink, smoke, or....whatever...... And if she would move, what's to say that she actually would change? How would it be that she changes to keep the people around her, but then leaves them all? Maybe it's just me thinking and talking about something I know nothing about. One thing that makes me unsure about the whole thing with Noah coming over the other day. She was saying Noah just showed up at her door and remembered how to get there. He just remembered after a year. That sounds a little fishy. I keep wondering if she gave him a refresher on where she lives and was expecting him to come over. Granted her house is relatively easy to find, but if you haven't been in the area in a year and haven't even been around there that often, how exactly are you going to remember where its at? Maybe I'm mistaken and he has an amazing memory. But if he has a great memory...why couldn't he remember she was in a happy relationship? Sorry, there I go again asking the questions I'll never know the answer to, but I want to know. I'm curious person... I just want honesty, but that's hard to get these days. I know other people are being honest with me, but I know at times it can be distorted. Like Dave going back and telling Andie stuff on Friday. He didn't know what the fuck he was talking about when he was telling Andie half of that stuff. He messed so many things up. My look at her first off wasn't an angry look, it was more of a look of shock that she was actually there. Matt's on the other hand prolly was angry. Him bouncing back and forth helped no one out. Just pissed everyone off more. Nice going Dave.
Take care all....and remember....if you think your day is going bad...read my journal...10 bucks says mine's continually going worse.