today's posts
this is my last entry for today i hope
Why didn't anyone tell Joel i was gay?
alright so i decided if i stay up during the whole day i get alot more accomplished i haven't slept yet because i actually want to go to sleep today at a decent time im tired of waking up when it's dark. I got a phone call like 20 min ago and it was UNKNOWN at least that's what my phone said and in my experience the UNKNOWN is always usually my brother cause he's in Japan and Michael cause he's in boot camp. I miss hollywood though and i was going to dedicate a voice message to him on my cell because i've missed two of his calls(i ended up recording me talking to my friend krysta and kept that instead) i actually think i will sit down and write him a letter cause he asked me to and he wants me to send him pictures. Anyways so i pick up the phone and im like "Michael? is this michael because if it is i love you soo much and i miss you" then the guy is like "no it's not michael" and he's kinda mean about it so i think it's jon and then i start fucking around and i'm like "is this my brother that i'm about to hang up on " and then he's all like no this is joel. This is the same Joel that's in the army and the same joel that i knew in highschool and the same Joel that my mom forced me to date and the same joel who asked me to marry him before he got transferred to Korea. Soo I of course ask Joel if he's spoken to anyone in V.a and of course he has but i guess no one told him about me i mean he's been gone for a while and he's missed alot but he always calls me and we never really get a chance to talk. I kind of avoid him cause of the whole marriage thing but Joel is like im coming back for your birthday im going to fly to v.a and then drive up to ny to see you. I mean i love joel as a friend but i really don't know how to tell him and i wonder why i didn't even tell him about me my god damn self. So i have from now untill December to break it to joel cause i don't want him to drive up to ny and expect something he's not going to get...if i ever lost any friends because of my sexuality i think he will be the first
Public - 9:40 AM - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it
my stupidity never ceases to amaze me
alright i went to the bank and i managed to pay my credit cards however i didn't get around to paying my phone and just as i was about to sit down and do a check by phone my mom asked me to borrow money i knew what she wanted cause she was being all nice so before she even asked me i was like no. She wanted to borrow 200 but i still have one more credit card to pay so i was like no mom i can't this is my credit and i don't want to fuck it up already. Of course me being the big moron that i am i feel guilty can you believe that i feel guilty i don't even know why so i decide i'll just let my dad pay my cell phone (which he probably won't get around to till the end of the month cause he's supposedly broke but he bought a fucking car yesterday i mean it's a used car but still.) SO anyways i let my mom borrow 100 bucks i mean it's not much but i still have one more credit card to pay and she already owes me 200 bucks from 3 weeks ago. sometimes i feel like i'm just one big doormat for my family. The reason im in all this credit card b.s is cause i ran up almost $2,000 during spring break going clothes shopping for my brother who promised he'd pay me back. I mean he's trying to he sends me what he can but they should know more than anyone i don't have a job anymore and i haven't for a few months and god forbid i have my own expenses. call me stupid but i love them and because im stupid i constantly keep putting them before myself and they know i will so the question is do they love me?
Public - 7:30 AM - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it
i'd like to leave an upbeat entry because im not depressed or at least i wasn't last time i checked. I'm just in this really pensive mind state at the moment and i think once again my apathy is prevailing. Blah Im working on it anyways this is not a sad or hey look at me entry this is a "hola mi amor mi bella entry"
Public - 5:38 AM - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it
i'm bitching again
so much has happened or maybe so little has happened in the past few days, well maybe it's just me...I mean everything seems important and possibly life altering when it happens but after a while it's not so important or maybe it is but i don't let it get to me. So maybe i should just quit babbling and actually update. My dad can't come to our house anymore, and he's not allowed to be within so many yards of mom . Oh i still haven't gotten a chance to run to the bank cause i wake up like at 6 and 7 pm. Im determined to make it today because i have a sneaky suspicion my phone is going to get cut off if i don't, but if it does it does i really don't need it till i get to ny anyways because the signal fades something horrible. I can always use my mom's phone until then
Why didn't anyone tell Joel i was gay?
alright so i decided if i stay up during the whole day i get alot more accomplished i haven't slept yet because i actually want to go to sleep today at a decent time im tired of waking up when it's dark. I got a phone call like 20 min ago and it was UNKNOWN at least that's what my phone said and in my experience the UNKNOWN is always usually my brother cause he's in Japan and Michael cause he's in boot camp. I miss hollywood though and i was going to dedicate a voice message to him on my cell because i've missed two of his calls(i ended up recording me talking to my friend krysta and kept that instead) i actually think i will sit down and write him a letter cause he asked me to and he wants me to send him pictures. Anyways so i pick up the phone and im like "Michael? is this michael because if it is i love you soo much and i miss you" then the guy is like "no it's not michael" and he's kinda mean about it so i think it's jon and then i start fucking around and i'm like "is this my brother that i'm about to hang up on " and then he's all like no this is joel. This is the same Joel that's in the army and the same joel that i knew in highschool and the same Joel that my mom forced me to date and the same joel who asked me to marry him before he got transferred to Korea. Soo I of course ask Joel if he's spoken to anyone in V.a and of course he has but i guess no one told him about me i mean he's been gone for a while and he's missed alot but he always calls me and we never really get a chance to talk. I kind of avoid him cause of the whole marriage thing but Joel is like im coming back for your birthday im going to fly to v.a and then drive up to ny to see you. I mean i love joel as a friend but i really don't know how to tell him and i wonder why i didn't even tell him about me my god damn self. So i have from now untill December to break it to joel cause i don't want him to drive up to ny and expect something he's not going to get...if i ever lost any friends because of my sexuality i think he will be the first
Public - 9:40 AM - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it
my stupidity never ceases to amaze me
alright i went to the bank and i managed to pay my credit cards however i didn't get around to paying my phone and just as i was about to sit down and do a check by phone my mom asked me to borrow money i knew what she wanted cause she was being all nice so before she even asked me i was like no. She wanted to borrow 200 but i still have one more credit card to pay so i was like no mom i can't this is my credit and i don't want to fuck it up already. Of course me being the big moron that i am i feel guilty can you believe that i feel guilty i don't even know why so i decide i'll just let my dad pay my cell phone (which he probably won't get around to till the end of the month cause he's supposedly broke but he bought a fucking car yesterday i mean it's a used car but still.) SO anyways i let my mom borrow 100 bucks i mean it's not much but i still have one more credit card to pay and she already owes me 200 bucks from 3 weeks ago. sometimes i feel like i'm just one big doormat for my family. The reason im in all this credit card b.s is cause i ran up almost $2,000 during spring break going clothes shopping for my brother who promised he'd pay me back. I mean he's trying to he sends me what he can but they should know more than anyone i don't have a job anymore and i haven't for a few months and god forbid i have my own expenses. call me stupid but i love them and because im stupid i constantly keep putting them before myself and they know i will so the question is do they love me?
Public - 7:30 AM - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it
i'd like to leave an upbeat entry because im not depressed or at least i wasn't last time i checked. I'm just in this really pensive mind state at the moment and i think once again my apathy is prevailing. Blah Im working on it anyways this is not a sad or hey look at me entry this is a "hola mi amor mi bella entry"
Public - 5:38 AM - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it
i'm bitching again
so much has happened or maybe so little has happened in the past few days, well maybe it's just me...I mean everything seems important and possibly life altering when it happens but after a while it's not so important or maybe it is but i don't let it get to me. So maybe i should just quit babbling and actually update. My dad can't come to our house anymore, and he's not allowed to be within so many yards of mom . Oh i still haven't gotten a chance to run to the bank cause i wake up like at 6 and 7 pm. Im determined to make it today because i have a sneaky suspicion my phone is going to get cut off if i don't, but if it does it does i really don't need it till i get to ny anyways because the signal fades something horrible. I can always use my mom's phone until then