i finally had the guts to tell her....even though she pulled it outta me
last night i called ashlee thinking she wasnt going to answer and she did. so we talk for about an hour and a half. about alot. about family. relationships. spiders in her moms car. lol. i was so suprised she actually picked up the phone and talked to me for that long. i was happy in some ways and crushed in others. happy i finally got to talk to her again. but crushed that no matter what happened, i wasnt going to be her girl anymore. while on the phone it hurt so much to hear her voice that tears streamed down my face without me wanting to. and i guess she knew something was wrong. i didnt want to tell her why i was crying. i didnt want her to know i missed her despite the pain. i didnt want anyone to know why i cried so much at night. but she pulled it outta me. she has this way of making you tell her what she wants to hear, or at least for me she does. but i had to tell her. i wanted her to know how ive missed her. i wanted her to know how much i loved her. i just wanted her to be with me! but it was too much to ask for. she didnt want me. i dont know who she wanted. but i wanted her to want me the way i wanted her. it was so hard for me. but anywho, she pulled it out of me and hat was exacly what she was expecting from me. she knew what i was going to tell her. those three little words didnt change anything, just added more problems than she was already having. i not only felt like an idiot, but i also felt guilty.guilty because i add more to her life in negative ways and guilty i let myself get out like that. it hurt, like always...