(no subject)
i know everyone goes through things. i know everyone hits a rough time. but i cant deal with all this stuff anymore. i wish i could just fade away and i wish i never existed. im not going to kill myself, im too fucking pussy for that. i just want to leave. and go where? i have no where to go. my dad said i could transfer schools, but not until next september. i told him i wanted to take a year off and he said ok. but not until after high school. i wish i could just skip these next ten years and not have to do it all myself. but this is life. and i guess i just dont want to live anymore. these thoughts sound so dumb and depressed, but i am dumb and depressed i guess. i need help but i dont want any. i want to just be deemed crazy and be sent away, then i wouldnt have to live in everyday reality. yea i have a good life, even a great life. i want someone else to have it. i dont appreciate it. i dont want it. i didnt ask for it but its been tossed at me and i have no choice. im lucky. but with all the perks come expectations and pressure. im being suffocated under all this pressure. someone give me a breath. i want anything to take my mind off things. thats why i smoke and drink. he helps me drift away. fuck drugs, fuck school, fuck everyone, fuck life. i wish it was just easy to say no and go off a cliff. like i decide not to live, so im not going to and there its over. but its harder. its thought out and planned. i dont really want to die. i just dont want to live. or atleast not live my life. maybe a new school, maybe boarding school, maybe it will help me realize theres a point. a reason. and give me hope for my future. i dont know what i want to do. i have no skills. i have no reason try and succeed. i hate living life. i want it to be pre planned and i want to know where my future will lead me, so atleast ill have an outline or a plan. im now on a map with no lines. i seem to be making all the wrong turns. if i knew i was headed somewhere then maybe it would be less depressing. like im on this blank page, but i keep finding the dead ends when everyone else is on the highway to someplace great. everybody around me is doing something great and meaningfull that might change the world one day. i have none of these asperations. i dont even want to do something great. all i want to do is fade away. but i cant. now i sound like a whiny rich white privledged kid. but too bad. i dont fucking want ANY of it. i just want nothing to be expected because then i cant dissapoint people over and over. everyone tells me im smart and beautiful and talented and full of potencial. but im not going anywhere in life. i dont even know what i want to do tomorrow. i dont even know if it will be a good day or a bad day. i have those, good and bad days. but theyre kind of extreme. i think i hide it well, so thats good. but other then that i just want it to be over. everything to end. its not worth it anymore. how come other people are happy? how can i be that way too? are they just pretending also? why are we all lying to eachother?