How long does this take
i went to bed in my parents room. i didnt want to be in my bed. 4am i woke up and tried to go to sleep in my bed. i froze because i didnt want to use the blankets that i had a blanket war with him. i laid curled up in a ball staring at where his head was lying on the pillow. where he sat putting on his shoes, the box next to my bed still moved from him pushing it aside to fit his shoes there. my dvd player still spinning the dvd we watched. the blinds still slanted upwards from me pushing it up to watch him leave and also waiting for him to come. i dont believe it. its not true. he was just straddling me pinning me down tickling me, making me laugh. he was still moving around so i couldnt see the movie on the tv. hes still leaning in to kiss me and placing his hands on my hips and my hands placed on his face and running across his tummy. him using the excuse "im cold" just to come in closer and cuddle with me. him touching foreheads with me and looking me directly in my eyes. him pulling me across my bed by my legs when i stole all the blankets. looking at my phone with his text simply saying "Hey I'm here" and me expecting him to be at his car like all my friends, and him being at my door. i keep opening my door expecting him to be there. in my bed expecting him to be lying there, my phone expecting him to send me a random text thats sweet/mean/funny/anything, i keep expecting as i lie there in bed shivering for him to roll over and grab me and n ot let me go and playing footsie with me. i keep thinking of when he left. the look in his eye. his smirk and our awkward goodbye like high five. i want to be angry at him and text my neighbor with annoying texts of "why does he act that way?" "Why is he flirting with all my friends" "why is he such a dick" "Why does he hide from you guys" "Why does he open up to me"
Seeing the group last night minus him just killed me. we all held pretty strong, minus Brian. he looked at me when we finally tracked him down, he was at a bar taking away the hurt that way (We all know thats not good) so as he stood infront of me making tears well up in my eyes he just grabbed me for a hug and wouldnt let go. he knew me and eric had been close and seeing eachother. when he heard i was the last person to be with him he just grabbed me tighter and sobbed into my shoulder he just kept getting worse. he couldnt hold it together, it killed me seeing him like that. he is strong, and no one thought he would take it this bad. we all had to help hold him up he just lost control and i could only offer up how happy he was when he left and he went to sleep happy and knew what he had wanted to do. i know its not much i kept telling him i dont know what i will tell his mother. i know it will be worse than that. my face hurts, it feels raw today. no matter how much clothing i put on i am freezing.
my cat wont lie in my bed with me. she hasnt since he left the other night. when he was here she was lying on a box staring at us. and once he left she stayed out on the couch. i know its weird to think that cats know things like that, but its not like her to stay distant from me. and it only makes me think. i want one more moment with him. i want to tell him everything in one breathe even. everyone talking to me is just going in one ear out the other. i just am blank. and when im not blank im crying my eyes out. and i get angry at myself for lying about how i felt. i get angry for being defensive and scared. Every moment needs to count, you never know when you might not see someone again. i want him to come hold me and comfort me again. we seemed to fit perfectly i want to hear his voice. i want to laugh and make fun of him. i want him to be self conscious about his smile where he got punched by a local in hawaii. i want him to tell me stories of his adventures. i want him to just talk to me. i want him to shove me to the side as he's kidding with me and laugh his laugh and slouch his shoulders in and sway his body as he walks. i want to see him sitting next to my older brother chatting away as if they talk everyday. i was given 22 days to be close to him and cancel out the bad feelings we had for eachother for all those months. Knotts Scary Farm, Saddle Ranch, Joes Crab Shack with the shakers, sharing drinks, him leaning over at the bar to tell me how beautiful i truly was (before he had a drink) him leaning in nervously to give me the first kiss of round 2 1/2) his arm around my waist whispering in my ear, laughing when marilou made us fall to the ground. him chowing down on a burger, joking about wanting taco bell but it was "totally against his diet" us reminescing about the past Dana days and friends. remembering sitting up on the altar (7th grade altar server) at church seeing him sitting with his mom and him just staring at me for lack of anything better to stare at. the time we were at the Feurstingers house watching Chasing Amy, me, him, my sister and Kenny. and him trying to kiss me then and me getting all freaked out and scared and crying because i had never been kissed. him denying all the times we kissed or he tried to kiss me. him being a dick to me. me being a bitch to him. bowling in vegas and putting those alcoholic chocolates into nicks pepsi. him leaving nicks as soon as i would show up. him actually being nice to me. and the shock it brought me days before he moved to vegas. pulling his shirt off, my shirt coming off or him trying to get it off but it getting stuck and it making us both laugh. lying in the nude next to him also in the nude and it being completely innocent. the way his big hands held mine. when i told him we could rent whatever he wanted to, him wanting to get the beverly hillbillies season 1. watching the weezer videos with him as we awkwardly waited for marilou and james ot show up to take us to knotts with them. me grabbing him and scaring him when i got scared in a maze. him ordering chili before knotts and the rest of the night it being the punchline everytime a noise similar to a fart would be heard. Him being very proud to be the very first person to pee out of the passenger side window in my truck while we were in motion going down aviation, the way he kissed me, how perfect it felt, not to rough, not too soft, and how lightly he held his eyes shut while kissing, like he was at peace. joking about how when everyone dies, what their final wish was. (nick being exploded like mega man including the sound effect (pu pu pu), toby wanting to be wearing nothing but a crash helmet and be shot out of a cannon while some random song at a certain part was played, and he wanted to be taxidermied(spelling) into a weird position and placed by someones front door to freak people out when they walked by). his nervous shuffle and the way he'd mumble when he spoke, head down, shoulders shrugged forward, hands in pocket, lower voice looking at his feet while he did the shuffle. his willingness to go see casey affleck movies with me as long as he got to spend time with me... I could go on for days. it seems... staring at pics of him hurts so bad because i expect him to be laughing with me at them.
Seeing the group last night minus him just killed me. we all held pretty strong, minus Brian. he looked at me when we finally tracked him down, he was at a bar taking away the hurt that way (We all know thats not good) so as he stood infront of me making tears well up in my eyes he just grabbed me for a hug and wouldnt let go. he knew me and eric had been close and seeing eachother. when he heard i was the last person to be with him he just grabbed me tighter and sobbed into my shoulder he just kept getting worse. he couldnt hold it together, it killed me seeing him like that. he is strong, and no one thought he would take it this bad. we all had to help hold him up he just lost control and i could only offer up how happy he was when he left and he went to sleep happy and knew what he had wanted to do. i know its not much i kept telling him i dont know what i will tell his mother. i know it will be worse than that. my face hurts, it feels raw today. no matter how much clothing i put on i am freezing.
my cat wont lie in my bed with me. she hasnt since he left the other night. when he was here she was lying on a box staring at us. and once he left she stayed out on the couch. i know its weird to think that cats know things like that, but its not like her to stay distant from me. and it only makes me think. i want one more moment with him. i want to tell him everything in one breathe even. everyone talking to me is just going in one ear out the other. i just am blank. and when im not blank im crying my eyes out. and i get angry at myself for lying about how i felt. i get angry for being defensive and scared. Every moment needs to count, you never know when you might not see someone again. i want him to come hold me and comfort me again. we seemed to fit perfectly i want to hear his voice. i want to laugh and make fun of him. i want him to be self conscious about his smile where he got punched by a local in hawaii. i want him to tell me stories of his adventures. i want him to just talk to me. i want him to shove me to the side as he's kidding with me and laugh his laugh and slouch his shoulders in and sway his body as he walks. i want to see him sitting next to my older brother chatting away as if they talk everyday. i was given 22 days to be close to him and cancel out the bad feelings we had for eachother for all those months. Knotts Scary Farm, Saddle Ranch, Joes Crab Shack with the shakers, sharing drinks, him leaning over at the bar to tell me how beautiful i truly was (before he had a drink) him leaning in nervously to give me the first kiss of round 2 1/2) his arm around my waist whispering in my ear, laughing when marilou made us fall to the ground. him chowing down on a burger, joking about wanting taco bell but it was "totally against his diet" us reminescing about the past Dana days and friends. remembering sitting up on the altar (7th grade altar server) at church seeing him sitting with his mom and him just staring at me for lack of anything better to stare at. the time we were at the Feurstingers house watching Chasing Amy, me, him, my sister and Kenny. and him trying to kiss me then and me getting all freaked out and scared and crying because i had never been kissed. him denying all the times we kissed or he tried to kiss me. him being a dick to me. me being a bitch to him. bowling in vegas and putting those alcoholic chocolates into nicks pepsi. him leaving nicks as soon as i would show up. him actually being nice to me. and the shock it brought me days before he moved to vegas. pulling his shirt off, my shirt coming off or him trying to get it off but it getting stuck and it making us both laugh. lying in the nude next to him also in the nude and it being completely innocent. the way his big hands held mine. when i told him we could rent whatever he wanted to, him wanting to get the beverly hillbillies season 1. watching the weezer videos with him as we awkwardly waited for marilou and james ot show up to take us to knotts with them. me grabbing him and scaring him when i got scared in a maze. him ordering chili before knotts and the rest of the night it being the punchline everytime a noise similar to a fart would be heard. Him being very proud to be the very first person to pee out of the passenger side window in my truck while we were in motion going down aviation, the way he kissed me, how perfect it felt, not to rough, not too soft, and how lightly he held his eyes shut while kissing, like he was at peace. joking about how when everyone dies, what their final wish was. (nick being exploded like mega man including the sound effect (pu pu pu), toby wanting to be wearing nothing but a crash helmet and be shot out of a cannon while some random song at a certain part was played, and he wanted to be taxidermied(spelling) into a weird position and placed by someones front door to freak people out when they walked by). his nervous shuffle and the way he'd mumble when he spoke, head down, shoulders shrugged forward, hands in pocket, lower voice looking at his feet while he did the shuffle. his willingness to go see casey affleck movies with me as long as he got to spend time with me... I could go on for days. it seems... staring at pics of him hurts so bad because i expect him to be laughing with me at them.