Faith
My thought for today is optimism. I have always felt myself to be an optimistic person and yet as of late I am feeling exhausted and quite the opposite. So much so that I am faltering in my faith in God, life and many things.
I am just so tired of hoping that things will change and that things will get better. There is anger at myself and others and whether it is warranted or not I hate that I have these feelings because I know with whatever crap I deal with there is always someone who needs faith and help more than I. Maybe it's just the mood lately but no one would know because I conceal so much of it and have no access to any real true friends. That in it itself is another entry. I recognize that concealment is one of my issues. I could go on and on with all that is wrong, but I really want to move to what is right. But I have to deal with hurt feelings which are my own fault because I put them there. I have always tried to be the one who is there for anyone or everyone who needs me for anything. I try to be thoughtful, caring,considerate, generous and kind. I try to love unconditionally and with all my heart. When I write those down I don't know as if that would describe me or not. It looks foreign to me. I keep feeling like I have no one who really understands me or the deep thoughts I have sometimes. I try to keep it together when all I want to do is fall apart and burn all my bridges and take my lovely daughter and hide out on some tropical island or go to my Dad's in FL and hide out for awhile. Maybe it's burnout from the stresses of my everyday life and job. I feel like I have turned my back on the career I thought I loved. I loved what I did but I needed to have stability and more money to raise my child. So I switched from my right brain to my left brain. I want the creative me back. I love walking in to the fabric store and envision what I would make for family and friends or what costume I could make out of that fabric or what a great picture I could paint or take. I turned away for what reason??? I am not sure but I will analyze that later. I am still hurt by all the things my ex did and does. His disregard is hurtful. I am, however, thankful for what I do have, which is not much, but my prize item I am most thankful for is my beautiful lovely child who I thank God for every single day. She is what keeps me going sometimes no matter what I may say, she keeps me saner than I should be. Sometimes I wish there would be just one person other than my daughter who I trusted enough to talk to about absolutely anything. To talk about philosophical things or psyhcological things literature and music, love and just life. My co-workers are nice but they are what I call surface people. They ask how you are and after much coaxing to get you to open up, then the conversation goes to how bad they have or had it. Sometimes I think about those hotlines to call and want to do that just so I can talk to someone on my level and just to talk with out anyone trying to resolve it or top it but just listen to what I say. Someone who when I say this is the problem I have and they not say oh yeah I or I know a friend who had this happen to them. I know how hard that is because when I listen to someone I have to really hold back and try not to interject a resolution or comment. How happy I am that I can pretty much talk to my daughter now about almost everything. And with her maturity we will be able to talk about more things in the time to come. She told me not too long ago how she loves that we talk so much and she thinks that there was a change cuz she thinks we did not used to talk like we do now and actually she is right its evolved with her maturity. We have always had these talks its just that now she is a contributor and not just a receptor of the conversation. So as Martha Stewart would say "thats a good thing". So in closing I know that this too shall pass and there will be brighter days ahead. There always is but I just wish that in the interim I could actually have a conversation with an adult my age or at least with a soul close to my age regardless of what their chronological age is. I liked the 65 year old friend I had once but now no longer see them. They taught me allot. I thought of a movie today I have always loved and now know why. I love "Pollyanna" I did when I was young and still love it. Why because I still want to see the good in everything. Odd that my previous boss used to call me that because when everyone else was ripping an agents work apart I was trying to focus on what was good first. I forget that, sometimes and have lost allot of that feeling. I want to find the good again. I want to see Christmas through a child's eyes again. I only hope that I can sometime soon find someone I can be completely and openly and utterly honest with. I don't mean on a romantic level but someone on a intelligent level. Someone I can unburden the terrors that rip my soul and heart. I know there is hope because I still do that, I hope. HOPE for the best and hope that I turn a corner before I lose all my faith in everything and everyone.
I know there will be brighter days I just wish someone would turn the light on right now. Just a thought.
I am just so tired of hoping that things will change and that things will get better. There is anger at myself and others and whether it is warranted or not I hate that I have these feelings because I know with whatever crap I deal with there is always someone who needs faith and help more than I. Maybe it's just the mood lately but no one would know because I conceal so much of it and have no access to any real true friends. That in it itself is another entry. I recognize that concealment is one of my issues. I could go on and on with all that is wrong, but I really want to move to what is right. But I have to deal with hurt feelings which are my own fault because I put them there. I have always tried to be the one who is there for anyone or everyone who needs me for anything. I try to be thoughtful, caring,considerate, generous and kind. I try to love unconditionally and with all my heart. When I write those down I don't know as if that would describe me or not. It looks foreign to me. I keep feeling like I have no one who really understands me or the deep thoughts I have sometimes. I try to keep it together when all I want to do is fall apart and burn all my bridges and take my lovely daughter and hide out on some tropical island or go to my Dad's in FL and hide out for awhile. Maybe it's burnout from the stresses of my everyday life and job. I feel like I have turned my back on the career I thought I loved. I loved what I did but I needed to have stability and more money to raise my child. So I switched from my right brain to my left brain. I want the creative me back. I love walking in to the fabric store and envision what I would make for family and friends or what costume I could make out of that fabric or what a great picture I could paint or take. I turned away for what reason??? I am not sure but I will analyze that later. I am still hurt by all the things my ex did and does. His disregard is hurtful. I am, however, thankful for what I do have, which is not much, but my prize item I am most thankful for is my beautiful lovely child who I thank God for every single day. She is what keeps me going sometimes no matter what I may say, she keeps me saner than I should be. Sometimes I wish there would be just one person other than my daughter who I trusted enough to talk to about absolutely anything. To talk about philosophical things or psyhcological things literature and music, love and just life. My co-workers are nice but they are what I call surface people. They ask how you are and after much coaxing to get you to open up, then the conversation goes to how bad they have or had it. Sometimes I think about those hotlines to call and want to do that just so I can talk to someone on my level and just to talk with out anyone trying to resolve it or top it but just listen to what I say. Someone who when I say this is the problem I have and they not say oh yeah I or I know a friend who had this happen to them. I know how hard that is because when I listen to someone I have to really hold back and try not to interject a resolution or comment. How happy I am that I can pretty much talk to my daughter now about almost everything. And with her maturity we will be able to talk about more things in the time to come. She told me not too long ago how she loves that we talk so much and she thinks that there was a change cuz she thinks we did not used to talk like we do now and actually she is right its evolved with her maturity. We have always had these talks its just that now she is a contributor and not just a receptor of the conversation. So as Martha Stewart would say "thats a good thing". So in closing I know that this too shall pass and there will be brighter days ahead. There always is but I just wish that in the interim I could actually have a conversation with an adult my age or at least with a soul close to my age regardless of what their chronological age is. I liked the 65 year old friend I had once but now no longer see them. They taught me allot. I thought of a movie today I have always loved and now know why. I love "Pollyanna" I did when I was young and still love it. Why because I still want to see the good in everything. Odd that my previous boss used to call me that because when everyone else was ripping an agents work apart I was trying to focus on what was good first. I forget that, sometimes and have lost allot of that feeling. I want to find the good again. I want to see Christmas through a child's eyes again. I only hope that I can sometime soon find someone I can be completely and openly and utterly honest with. I don't mean on a romantic level but someone on a intelligent level. Someone I can unburden the terrors that rip my soul and heart. I know there is hope because I still do that, I hope. HOPE for the best and hope that I turn a corner before I lose all my faith in everything and everyone.
I know there will be brighter days I just wish someone would turn the light on right now. Just a thought.